CPTSD & People Pleasing Behaviours

[emmat]

Hello,

I have been doing a lot of talking with therapists, CPNs and psychiatrists of late - something I'm sure most of you are more than used to.

One of the things that we keep coming back to is the role I've played in some of my traumatic experiences mainly those that have had a strong interpersonal focus (mainly the long term domestic abuse, psychological torture) and ways that the neglect I experienced as a child left effected my thought patterns, personality development and consequently my behaviours. In an effort to try and get my head around it all I wanted to bring it here in an effort to get some perspective.

To try and get everything down I wrote a entry in my Trauma Diary ([DLMURL="http://www.ptsdforum.org/threads/14484-Ready-To-Share-My-Story"]here's a link[/DLMURL], it's the most recent entry). It looks at my experiences, patterns in behaviour (of mine and of the abusers) and the negative effects that appear to have stemmed from my desire to please.

Having read a fair bit online about it I've been left feeling a bit uncomfortable by the way it appears to be dealt with. There seems to be a strong assumption that people who engage in these behaviours do it passive-aggressively. They do things believing that they will then get something in return (be it love/ a stronger bond with someone/ favours/ gratitude) and then when they don't resentment and anger (which I should mention is always assumed to be directed at the people that didn't return the favour) leads to destructive interpersonal behaviour.

I am pretty sure that the reason I (personally) try to make people around me happy is not because I believe by doing so I will be entitled get a reward, but because I don't know how else to act. I don't get angry or resentful towards people that don't reward me because I honestly don't believe I have any entitlement to a reward. It's all a bit scary. It's taken me a long time to stop blaming myself 100% for the things that have happened and I'm worried that this train of thought may lead back to that way of thinking.

I could ramble about this for hours, but in an endeavour to keep to the point... I wanted to ask if there are people here who find that they have fallen into similar ways of thinking/behaving/coping? Then to ask if they had any advice to offer someone who is just starting out down that road.

 

[AdamAnt]

This sounds very familiar to me! Tell me emmat, do you also find it hard to feel angry even when that would be a rational response?

 

[emmat]

Oh gosh yes! I seem to have managed to repress my anger to the point I just don't know how to even think about getting it back. I even have a hard time getting angry at myself - within a couple of seconds it's instantly replaced by guilt and depression. I can get mad on other peoples behalf's (which I'm sure is partly me projecting as well as concern for others) but never about the things that have happened.

In itself the lack of anger has been a big issue for me - I have a hard time getting people to believe that these things actually happened because they don't understand how it could but for me not to be full of rage about it. (Well full of visible rage - I think I believe my therapist when he says the anger is there, just I've locked it up out of reach)

 

[Artista]

You and I are the same. This is the first I have heard another say such things in the exact manner I know it to be. My therapist had brought it up that I feel many things (especially being an artist by trade and passion) yet there is an emotion I lack and do not feel.... yep.. the big "A" word!! I don't get angry because from little on up I was pretty much unwittingly conditioned to not cause any trouble. I never wanted to be seen as another problem. I am going to read your story and I am willing to bet we have lots to talk about!!! Glad you found this site!!!

 

[TLight]

My whole entire existence depends upon keeping the people around me happy. I drive myself to exhaustion in this endeavor.

I certainly do not do it passive agressively. I'm usually never seeking anything back, except of course, that I'll be allowed to exist or stay around and I won't get kicked out.

I can't stop. I'll be exhausted and I'll still be scrubbing floors, etc so that I can even be allowed to exist.

If someone has even a weird look, I go into terror thinking I've done something they dislike, something not good enough.

No, I certainly don't believe most people who were severely abused do things to please people in order to manipulate what they what out of the situation. I most certainly believe they do it because it was what kept them alive.

I can't seem to stop. And yes, I end up very angry sometimes because I'm either taken for granted or actually taken advantage of, and that adds to my rage cup.

I recently went through this with my current BF. He has had to do a dish, mop a floor or even take out the garbage in almost 2 years. He does the chores he likes, I do all the rest of the shit. He was VERY happy until last night, when I was just toasted with all the responsibility of the house and couldn't take it anymore. had said things before, but cowered and went back to my old behaviors because it is the only thing I know, it kept me alive. Now, I HAVE TO CHANGE. I HAVE TO STOP DOING ALL OF THIS, ASK HIM TO DO HIS SHARE. This is so very hard for me, so very hard to ask someone to do something, anyone. Not even in my realm of consciousness.

I have to stop now, tired of typing.

 

[emmat]

Hi Artista!

Thank you for your reply, I can't tell you just how big the smile it left on my face was! I really empathise with what you said here:

I don't get angry because from little on up I was pretty much unwittingly conditioned to not cause any trouble. I never wanted to be seen as another problem.

I seem to be very much the same. Like you repression of anger and of any desire to be assertive in a way that might spark confrontation has become a way of life to me now. I was always taught to see anger as an undesirable quality, something not to be, something never to show. Later in life I saw it as something terrifying an uncontrollable. It lead people that said they loved me to hurt me, it turned folks into cruel and twisted monsters (if only for a few moments) and always seemed to do more harm than good.

Now I think I'm beginning to realise that it's not as simple as that. Those people weren't just angry, they were angry and afraid (often of the truth of the situation or of loosing control). Some anger can be beneficial, I can see that now. I just wish I could experience it first hand. I feel like one day I'll finally get mad and it will have a positive effect on my life and then I'll have a better chance of bringing that part of me that right now feels gone forever back.

 

[emmat]

Thank you so much for sharing TLight.

I know just how exhausting it can be. I get so scared everytime we have friends stop by that they'll notice a mess or something I've not done right that I spend hours and hours cleaning before they arrive. If they just drop by I spend the whole time tidying around them because I just can't get out of the 'They'll think I'm lazy and disgusting' headspace that has been drummed into me over the years.

You're doing the right thing by standing up for yourself. Communicating your needs with your partner can be so so very hard, even traumatic when you spent so much time trying to avoid any confontations and fighting simply to exist.

 

[Artista]

OH man... many of us ARE alike. I should send you a sign you can hang on your door.... "If you came to see me, come on in! If you came to see my home... make an appointment!"

I grew up with a mom who kept everything "just so" and always want to live up to that a little bit. Yet when she was so ill later in life, she told me she wished she had let things go more and played with her kids instead! Afterall.. what would we remember of her as kids? Her cleaning???? I took that to heart and am now a mix of guilt and letting it go. I also lived with someone who definitely is better when a place is straightened. He can't get his head together or relax if it is at all messy! I feel I failed that all the time. Learned to deal with it. It was partly HIS issue not all mine!

 

[kers]

I people please purely from fear. I am terrified of 'making' anyone else in my life angry, so I often do whatever they want (or whatever I anticipate they might want).

I am learning to get around this by learning to tolerate other people's frustration, irritation, and anger. I say no to little things, and I am learning to deflect other people's anger in many different ways, instead of absorbing it into myself. I have hope that someday, I will not worry so much about doing what everyone else wants or needs. Nobody can look out for me but me.

 

[James B.]

Am the same, I please from fear. Yes, terrified of making others angry. Think that, for me, this may be linked to allowing abusive "friends" to stay in my life. I cut contact with an abusive "friend" recently, it was obvious what was happening and I felt somewhat more aware and empowered.

Am mystified as to how to begin learning ways to deflect other's anger though, I too absorb it into myself...

 

[AdamAnt]

Do you guys think there is a correlation between some PTSD cases and the lack of an anger reflex? I can see how in certain situations, if one reacts in a subjegated manner, it might just save their life. Perhaps the anger reflex gets lost because that was so important to survival at a pivital time within the trauma?

 

[emmat]

I think so. I can easily imagine anyone that has systematically had thier sense of self worth stripped away would have problems being assertive and would want to try and avoid confrontational situations (which is something you can't do so well if you get angry a lot). I think once a person looses all sense of entitlement (even if that is just a feeling of being entitled to be free from torture or free to live) then it's going to have a strong effect on most emotions that are rooted in the desire to fight for freedom.

I know if it hadn't been for other people restoring a tiny bit of self worth to me I'd have possibly never left a couple of my abusers because I didn't feel angry at them. That drive that might have pushed another person to think 'Screw this, I deserve better' was never there. Instead all I felt was disgust towards myself.