General What are they thinking?

[Never_falter2]

Yep. To be honest when I was in that place it was damned annoying when people tried to blah blah blah we're worried about you..blah blah into changing. My thoughts? It's my life - I'll live it as I want because (wait for it...:laugh: ) you can't possibly understand!:

Blahblahblah... but he has children... blahblahblah... they want to have him around... Blahblah.

 

[NaeNae75]

I think you probably mean will power (translation?). I get it, it's the same for my guy. He would like to make better choices, but there's so much to work on, he has to pick a place to start and go from there. This is essentially what he has told me. It's tough, but he's not going to be able to change until he's ready.

Unfortunately, having children doesn't change the fact that the brain wiring and chemistry is having issues processing. It stinks, but it's just true. When my kids were young, I wasn't at the point that I am now. For the most part, I function fairly high but that hasn't always translated into making the best choices for myself or anyone else. In fact, I hadn't been deep into therapy yet, and I was volatile at best. There were a lot of things I would change in a heartbeat if I could go back. But no one could have "made" me do anything at that point. I wanted the best for my kids, but I didn't have the tools available. I simply wasn't capable of making those changes with what I had in my arsenal at the time.

With my guy, I let him make the choices he's going to make, and I just try to help him find the tools. I don't force anything down his throat or make him feel bad for the decisions I think are "less than healthy". It's not my life to control. I've found out that by being respectful to him, not judging him, and leading by example, he's come farther than I could have imagined.

There are a million things I could pick apart, but I don't see any point in that, it just leads to fights and misunderstanding. Even when I had the best intentions and knew what was best for everyone...all I did was push my family away. Now that I lean back and let him ease into it, he's responding.

It's so hard to explain how it feels to be on the other side of this. It's so hard to explain how you hate yourself for doing things you don't want to do, but can't get yourself to stop. Add someone berating you for it, and all it does is make it a billion times worse. For me, being badgered by my friends and family about things I already hated myself for made me suicidal. I felt weak for not being able to control it and that everyone could see it.

Once I realized I could tell them that I'll handle it my way in my time, I did. Once they left me alone and I didn't have to fight on another front, I could fight the front with myself and my bad habits. They meant well, and wanted the best for me, but all it did was make me hate myself more. To this day, if my father starts in on me, until I hold my boundary and tell him to let me make my own choices, I pull into myself and get triggered. It took me a long time and a lot of work to be able to hold that boundary.

Now, just this year I've lost like 80 pounds by changing my eating habits. No one could have ever made me do that until I was ready to. I did it for myself and by myself. I finally felt like I was being left to make my own choices, so I could make better ones. I'm still losing too! I had support, but no one made me feel bad about my choices anymore.

 

[Freida]

I have done some research about the energy drinks he drinks. [deleted the names, do not want trouble with the company, one never knows]... and actually those both seem to not very healthful. It seems the UK children have been banned from buying [deleted the names] Government to ban energy drink sales to children in England ... and it seems that in Germany the big cans have been withdrawn from the market (not sure why, maybe it had nothing to do with health, but it might have). I have read some people on internet boards say that the one he drinks very much will soon not been available on the European market anymore. Again I am not sure if it has anything to do with health and if it is even true.
To be honest I am not sure if he has much free will in his food choices because actually he WANTS to eat healthy and is disgusted by the fact he isn’t and beats himself up for it.

This may come out way harsher than I want it to but.... Hun. He is a grown man. He's been in the military. He's done shit he can never tell you about. He's been hurt in ways he can never share with you -- even if you think he has told you everything.

He. Is. A. Grown. Man.

I think supporters sometimes forget that and they end up making us into their child.
Into a project
Into something they can fix.

But they can't.

He knows what he is doing is messing him up. He knows some of his choices could potentially cost him everything. He knows what he needs to do to get healthy and sane and be a better person. He knows he needs to change. I think it's pretty safe to say we all end up in that place at some point or another (if ya ask hubby hes gonna say more than once!)

But
He's not going to do anything until he is ready.
He may never be ready
These are HIS choices. Are they bad ones? yep.
But they are his.

Supporters often want to make us into someone else. Into the person they think we can be, if we can just get thru this. The person that they see under the ptsd. And I love that they can see that person and want so badly to help us get there.

But
We're not children to guide to a better life.
We have to make that choice.
He is a grown man

Sadly I don't have any suggestions other than letting us be who we are. And that may be someone who ends up homeless, estranged from his entire family and drug addicted before he is ready to do the recovery work. If this is the path he chooses you may have to step aside and let him fall.

Honestly I have no idea how the supporters can do this -- how they stand by us even when we get impossible. But I do know that you HAVE to take care of yourself too. Don't let him make you crazy because you want more for him than he wants for himself.

 

[Freida]

Now, just this year I've lost like 80 pounds by changing my eating habits. No one could have ever made me do that until I was ready to. I did it for myself and by myself. I finally felt like I was being left to make my own choices, so I could make better ones. I'm still losing too! I had support, but no one made me feel bad about my choices anymore.

That is amazing! Congratulations!!!

 

[Never_falter2]

That is amazing! Congratulations!!!

My congrats!

 

[Never_falter2]

@Freida and @NaeNae75

I really see your points... BUT... then there is a problem... my vet wants and expects and needs to be nannied a bit. Would be cool if you could have a look a the two threads below. They are old but the same problem continues to exist...

My guy sometimes acts as if he expects to be nannied. A few examples...
1. He doesn’t fetch himself fruit salad which is in the kitchen but when you bring him a plate with fruit salad he will happily eat it - happened countless times
2. Late at night, vet working out, painting, playing videogames, whatever. I come and tell him it is late at night... Vet surprised and shocked ? saying “Why didn’t you tell me earlier ?. I need to be at work early next morning“... sort of as if it is my fault
3. For a while couldn’t choose his clothes without becoming very stressed. I had to do it for him (and I have no sense of dress and he is welldressed. Never made any sense).

So he is kind of the guy who expects to be nannied a bit but not too much. Please read below. It is very complicated.

General - Does Your Sufferer Sometimes Make His Life Complicated?
General - Suffering From Too Many Choices

 

[Justmehere]

my vet wants and expects and needs to be nannied a bit.

What you describe doesn’t strike me as someone who wants to be nannied. Nor would it be at all healthy or helpful to his recovery for you to become his nanny, no matter how much he wanted it. It will enable him to avoid effective recovery work and leave you increasingly frustrated.

You’ve clearly made up your mind to nanny/caretake him anyhow, and I don’t think anyone here can talk you out of doing so until you are ready to stop. There are tons of ways to handle the situations above without nannying him, but they are useless until you are ready to change to a more effective course of action and relate to him as a grown adult.

How are you doing on your own self care? You are very caught up in his, but how are you doing on your own?

 

[Never_falter2]

There are tons of ways to handle the situations above without nannying him, but they are useless until you are ready to change to a more effective course of action and relate to him as a grown adult.

Which ones? Really, I am being serious. Which ones?
Have to add that he is a bit afraid of going to sleep because of nightmares and trying to postpone it. He is also stressed by too many choices. Best to read to first post in the thread about too many choices to understand this.

As for selfcare
*I experimented with make-up
*Looking forward to carnival, when I will be invited to several themed parties. Already planning my costumes
*Tried to improve my language skills... some of which I did on this board
*Baked several themed cakes

 

[Chris-duck]

@Never_falter2 It sounds a bit to me like learned helplessness, if you're doing everything for him, he's not needing to do it for himself. But if you weren't there, he'd have no choice. Yeah, he might go without for a bit, but eventually he'd realise he needs to step up and make those choices. Like if you don't pick his clothes for him, okay, he can lounge around in his boxers for days, but eventually he's gonna get sick of that, or need to go out, and he's going to -have- to pick some clothes and put them on. They might not be the clothes he'd usually pick, but whatever. It sounds to me a bit like you're trying to protect him from that shitty middle stage where he is frustrated he can't work out what to do and blahblah, but by always stepping in at that point, it kinda shows him that you also think he's unable to decide for himself which makes him more likely to keep coming back to you to make decisions that he is capable of making himself.

Just my opinion though.

 

[Never_falter2]

Actually I did that for the clothes. That’s a thing of the past. Sorry for not being clear enough.

But in the other two cases that would have negative effects for his health.

 

[Chris-duck]

But in the other two cases that would have negative effects for his health.

The same thing applies though. If you weren't around, how would he manage the other things? Cos that's where you want him to be at - not needing you. So maybe he messes up his health for a bit, but eventually he's gotta realise (or not tbh) that he's screwing himself over. It's really your choice, but doing these things for him IMO is not helping him long term. You can't guarantee you'll always stick around, you presumably want him to be competent to live his own life without you in that case. Which, as much as it sucks, kinda means letting him mess up and pick his own mess up.

 

[Justmehere]

Are you truly ready and willing to learn how to not be his nanny and learn new ways to manage your fears about his health other than trying to change him? If not, that's ok, totally your choice... but you have to be ready and willing. Right now, you have a lot of reasons why you see need to keep being his nanny.

Can you see any reasons to not continue to be his nanny?