How to bring up this issue of yearning for the same the kind of sexual activity as abuse.

[makingit]

Lately, I've had difficulty being sexually aroused by my husband and only wanting the kind of sexual activity that was done to me when I was abused. I feel that that it's the only thing that will bring back my sexual desire, if I were to have him perform the same sexual acts. Has anyone had to deal with this issue before? How have you handle it? I am too ashame to bring it up with my T. Not sure if I want to let her know. I am disgusted just by thought alone and feel there is something sickening or wrong with me. I don't feel good about wanting the same kind of sexual acts that was used to violate me, but my mind and body seem to think it's the only way to be aroused right now.

Suffering in silence!

 

[Teamwork]

I was confused by your title vs your content. I would probably be like you as well and not be able to get it out to the t what the issue was. Sometimes writing it and handing it in is the best course of action as it is already written here. Your T can take it from there and together you can decide how to break it down so it is more manageable and so you can come to terms with it together.

 

[digger]

Hi @makingit - can you clarify how your title relates to your post please? You mention 'younger parts' in your title - do you have a DID diagnosis, or are you referring to parts in a different sense?

Have you spoken to your husband about this? Are you looking for ways to work with him on it, or are you looking for ways to approach this subject with your therapist?

 

[makingit]

Hi @makingit - can you clarify how your title relates to your post please? You mention 'younger parts' in your title - do you have a DID diagnosis, or are you referring to parts in a different sense?

Have you spoken to your husband about this? Are you looking for ways to work with him on it, or are you looking for ways to approach this subject with your therapist?

I apologize for the title, it was not what I meant to title it. I started writing something else and forgot to change the title before posting. However, I do not have a DID diagnosis. If you are aware of IFS (Internal family Syatems) therapy, the treatment focuses on the different parts of us that show up at different times in our lives. It is in no ways connected to DID. The model believes that we all have conflicted subpersonalities that resided within us. I can go on and on, but I was merely asking for help on how to bring up this issue of yearning for the same the kind of sexual activity that was used when I was abused.

I was confused by your title vs your content. I would probably be like you as well and not be able to get it out to the t what the issue was. Sometimes writing it and handing it in is the best course of action as it is already written here. Your T can take it from there and together you can decide how to break it down so it is more manageable and so you can come to terms with it together.

Thank you. It's not the title I wanted to use. I was writing something else and forgot to change the title after I wrote the post.

 

[Kate.sleeps]

Lately, I've had difficulty being sexually aroused by my husband and only wanting the kind of sexual activity that was done to me when I was abused. I feel that that it's the only thing that will bring back my sexual desire, if I were to have him perform the same sexual acts. Has anyone had to deal with this issue before? How have you handle it? I am too ashame to bring it up with my T. Not sure if I want to let her know. I am disgusted just by thought alone and feel there is something sickening or wrong with me. I don't feel good about wanting the same kind of sexual acts that was used to violate me, but my mind and body seem to think it's the only way to be aroused right now.

Suffering in silence!

I think it’s your mind’s way of trying to comprehend what happened to you.

I was abused from an early age and I was so ashamed when I realised that sometimes thinking about acts of humiliation or abuse actually made me..physically turned on. I hated it more than anything and I was so scared and sickened and worried that may it had turned ME into an abuser...
I read a lot about it and it’s very common.
Apparently, it happens when your mind makes the connection between being stimulated (at the wrong time i.e you were to young to understand and there was a reward i.e: when you were told you were special or its ‘our little secret’.
There are many other factors, but basically in an awful way, it has confused your definitions for being stimulated...

BUT there are no right and wrong ways to be stimulated. Everyone’s different.
Even people who have never suffered physical, emotional or sexual abuse enjoy being tied up, slapped, bitten, tormented, humiliated, whatever.
This is because the area of the brain that controls fear and aggression, is squished up against the area of the brain that controls sexual arousal...yeh it’s weird...
So the line between genuine aggression and role play aggression is millimetres apart.

My guess is, your brain is trying to understand what happened, to create a bridge from those memories of the situation/event/s and the current day.
Trust is a huge part in all of this. You must make sure your partner FULLY UNDERSTANDS what you went through, so he/she can help you if it becomes too scary and you need reassurring and they recognise quickly that it needs to cease.

Often I feel that with my massive fruit cocktail of issues and traumas, doing what your mind wants to do is key. LISTEN to your urges, your hungers. Your mind is a child afterall, the same as everyone’s, and it often needs to play to learn. Guide it gently to where it takes you. Take it slow, you dont need to do it all in a day.
Your mind is an amazing tool. You are incredibly smart as a human, as a mammal, you need to stop controlling it and listen to it’s needs.
It may even help you to comprehend what happened and see it differently.

If you dont think your partner will understand, or it might worry them or you feel too embarassed, just forget about them for a bit. Try acting it out by yourself if you can, or at least a milder, simpler version of the act/event/s. It may help you to develop more of an understanding on what it is from it your brain needs and then it might make it easier to approach your husband about it and explain the method behind the madness -as it were.
As an example of breakthroughs on suppressed memories, trauma, sexual acts and being open with my partner etc...
Only in the last 2 years I’ve managed to orgasm EVER (by myself), no one had ever made me because I dont allow myself to lose control. When I told my partner everything and I mean EVERYTHING (poor bloke) he supported me fully and helped me (tediously) to overcome it, and now he can make me orgasm! And he is ridiculously proud of that, haha.

Take it slow. Listen to your thoughts and inner feelings. Don’t rule anything out as inappropriate or sick or messed up. Give yourself some credit, and give yourself the chance to explore and heal.x

 

[somerandomguy]

This is common, if not universal, among sexual abuse survivors. You are definitely not alone. It's incredibly difficult to talk about, but yes it happens a lot.

I think it gets better over time, with communication (not necessarily with your sexual partner), and therapy.

 

[Missycat]

As the others above have said , it is common and you are certainly not alone. You were sexualised too young and you have no control over how your body reacts to stimulation and its understandable that you would want to find the same stimulation. I know its extremely difficult to talk about but i promise you your t will understand and it wont be the first time they’ve heard it. I had something similar and even though i had a great relationship with my t and trusted her i couldnt share with her how i felt and the problems it was causing me . Because of the effect it was having on me i knew i had to open up .. i wrote and rewrote an email , kept it in my draft box and then took a leap of faith and pressed send ..... my t was away at the time so i knew she wouldnt see it and it felt like i had breathing space .... i got a response within a day ! She knew how hard it was to send the email .. her response and understanding put me at ease - she wasnt offended or shocked and she was able to work through it with me . Please talk to your t , its a massive step but it will hopefully help you get the support and help you deserve.
I wish you well x

 

[EveHarrington]

Is this sexual behavior still what could be deemed abusive or does it fall into the realm of normal sexual behavior for adults?

I think there is a difference.....that is, I love a certain sexual activity that was indeed how I was abused, but it’s a very vanilla kind of adult sexual activity. For me, I don’t think there was anything inherently wrong in desiring this particular sexual activity. I crave it, yes, but over time this particular craving has decreased. The struggle wasn’t in trying to give up this sexual preference, but rather in accepting that my preferences were perfectly ok.

In terms of IFST and younger parts.....I recently wrote about how my little one loves to pop up during intimate activities. I’d love to be “fully adult” during these times, but it just isn’t happening. I can stay “adult” at all other times, but just not during sex. Some kind of need is being met, it’s just hard to think about. This aspect is much harder to deal with vs my preferences.

 

[Friday]

Have you tried asking your therapist how to talk about things that are too embarrassing to talk about? This won’t be the only time this happens, and getting an alliance going on what to do when it does will prove endlessly useful as other things come up which are too embarrassing to talk about.

 

[Rumors]

Ugh... I feel for you and can understand the shame that goes along with feeling the need to recreate your abuse. I think the thing to always remember is that this journey is about integrating those experiences into the here and now and anything that still makes you question, brings you shame, makes you uncomfortable or even regress into the age in which your abuse took place is an avenue for healing if you address them. I would go with writing it down. I have done that in the past and it has helped to kick off conversation. I have even had to leave the room while it was being read. I can only tell you that some of the hardest things that I have worked on have brought me the greatest peace after I was able to discuss them and integrate those things into my healing. I know it isn't easy but I want to encourage you to at least discuss the fact you have this feeling of shame about something that seems too hard to discuss and that it has a sexual content. That way, you have at least gotten it out there... you are talking about it. That is progress and something to be proud of.

 

[Cypress]

I have this too. I used to just accept it as something I could not change but lately I have been feeling angry about it. I feel like my sexuality was stunted and twisted into something that served my abuser and not me. I would like to have a healthy sexuality that is free of abuse brainwashing but I have not figured out how to do that yet.

 

[makingit]

I went in to see my T today and couldn't bring myself to even introduce it. At the beginning I mentioned that I've been thinking about a lot of things and had questions. We talked a bit about the other things, but never this. All the while, I talked about other things, this issue was at the center of my thoughts. At the end she asked if my questions were answered, I told her there were still a few things that was a bit ore difficult for me to bring up, and that I will get to it next week. But I know, if she doesn't bring it up next week, my anxiety will probably get in the way of me addressing it. I get very frustrated because I have been with her for 5 years and it's still difficult to bring up certain issues. Why does this healing process seem more of a burden at times?