Confused about my parents

[Questioning]

Hello. I am now a 24 year old woman. I have been struggling with my mental health for about six years now: panic attacks, exhaustion and self-blame leading to severe depression. When I was thirteen, I had a bad case of blood poisoning. This resulted in me spending four days unconscious,two weeks in hospital, and about three months of rehabilitation and antibiotics. I used to be athletic and active, but this all changed after my hospitalization. My whole life changed. I was not able to walk without support for months, and have had heart problems ever since. When I got home from the hospital, my parents started arguing about everything and my mom blamed me for it, saying I am ungrateful that they took care of me when I was sick. This made my dad furious with her, which lead to violent and threatening situations. My mom would pull me out of bed so that I would fall on the floor in the middle of the night to come and defend her because she felt I was responsible for their arguments. If I left a sock on the floor it meant I wasn't grateful. Her screaming always triggered my father and they would have a huge fight. This would continue until I moved out, and I feel that the effects really kicked in when I was alone. Now I struggle to be alone, as these memories come back to my mind. I remember being terrified my dad would hurt my mother and hearing her choke in the other room. It was constant stress, I didn't have a peaceful moment at home because I was scared I would do something that would cause an argument between them. I have gone to therapy, and have been directed forward to depression counselors but I never go since my mom is a psychiatrist and gets angry because she is worried her colleagues will find out her daughter's problems. I guess I am just in need of an outsider's opinion, what do you think of this situation and do you believe I have an issue bad enough to seek psychotherapy? I feel I have symptoms of PTSD but I feel like I am being oversensitive since many people have worse issues than a weird parent relationship.

 

[EveHarrington]

Can you see that this is more than a weird parent relationship?

You lived in a home where your parents were verbally and physically abusive to you and to each other.

I strongly urge you to seek out the help of a therapist who can help you work through these issues and provide you with an accurate diagnosis.

:hug:

 

[Questioning]

Can you see that this is more than a weird parent relationship?

You lived in a home where your parents were verbally and physically abusive to you and to each other.

I strongly urge you to seek out the help of a therapist who can help you work through these issues and provide you with an accurate diagnosis.

:hug:

Yes, I guess that is true. I will seek professional help again, than you for your reply!

 

[blackemerald1]

Hello @Questioning - sounds like you have had a difficult time with your health and your parents.

I think you ought to understand that regardless of how you contracted the blood poisoning that you believe started this terrible family situation - it's not your fault. They were the adults and it doesn't seem they have behaved like adults at all. They are also your parents which means they have a lot of power over your well being and life, or did have. So that's a difficult position, as a child, to be in.

You are not responsible for your parents behaviour and never were.

I have gone to therapy, and have been directed forward to depression counselors but I never go since my mom is a psychiatrist and gets angry because she is worried her colleagues will find out her daughter's problems.

I think if you have gone to therapy and have been directed to further treatment (of any sort) and you wish to try and resolve your ongoing depression then you ought to go and at least give it a go.

I don't think you need to consult your mother about the merit of seeking therapy.

The counselor's should be restrained by privacy policy (but I don't know what country you are in or what you privacy laws are). So if they are good laws you should feel confident that a therapist cannot go blabbing off to your mother or anyone else. But before you begin check with the therapist first.

do you believe I have an issue bad enough to seek psychotherapy?

I've got no idea if your issue's (depression) is bad or not. Depression is a terrible condition to have and it would seem sensible to get help.

You seem to have identified areas of your life that you are very unhappy about so possibly you could do with some caring and professional assistance.

It's more important how you feel about getting help - not what your mother thinks. Step away from her feelings and learn to deal with your own. It may help you to be happier. :hug:

 

[shimmerz]

since my mom is a psychiatrist and gets angry because she is worried her colleagues will find out her daughter's problems.

Anyone note the irony of this situation?

Questioning, I am so sorry you went through all of this. Unfortunately, without a supportive family to guide you to wellness, you are going to have to be your own navigator. I think that reaching out for help, regardless of your mother's feelings of inadequacy and her lack of empathy for your situation, is a must. This is YOUR life, not your mother's and you have every right to live your best life. You get to decide what is best for you.

Be well and be strong.

 

[Questioning]

Hello @Questioning - sounds like you have had a difficult time with your health and your parents.

I think you ought to understand that regardless of how you contracted the blood poisoning that you believe started this terrible family situation - it's not your fault. They were the adults and it doesn't seem they have behaved like adults at all. They are also your parents which means they have a lot of power over your well being and life, or did have. So that's a difficult position, as a child, to be in.

You are not responsible for your parents behaviour and never were.



I think if you have gone to therapy and have been directed to further treatment (of any sort) and you wish to try and resolve your ongoing depression then you ought to go and at least give it a go.

I don't think you need to consult your mother about the merit of seeking therapy.

The counselor's should be restrained by privacy policy (but I don't know what country you are in or what you privacy laws are). So if they are good laws you should feel confident that a therapist cannot go blabbing off to your mother or anyone else. But before you begin check with the therapist first.



I've got no idea if your issue's (depression) is bad or not. Depression is a terrible condition to have and it would seem sensible to get help.

You seem to have identified areas of your life that you are very unhappy about so possibly you could do with some caring and professional assistance.

It's more important how you feel about getting help - not what your mother thinks. Step away from her feelings and learn to deal with your own. It may help you to be happier. :hug:

Thanks for your reply! I keep telling myself the same things that it is not my fault, yet still I find myself feeling guilty about it. At least now I am able to recognize it a little bit, so maybe that's a step in the right direction. I am from Finland, and they are restricted by privacy policy but my mom is worried about me ruining her image in her colleague's eyes. I have told her this doesn't make sense but I still do not want to hurt her feelings intentionally by going to talk to someone she doesn't want me to. I will try to find someone that she doesn't know, that is what she hoped for as well. Thanks so much for reading what I had to say and commenting!

Anyone note the irony of this situation?

Questioning, I am so sorry you went through all of this. Unfortunately, without a supportive family to guide you to wellness, you are going to have to be your own navigator. I think that reaching out for help, regardless of your mother's feelings of inadequacy and her lack of empathy for your situation, is a must. This is YOUR life, not your mother's and you have every right to live your best life. You get to decide what is best for you.

Be well and be strong.

Yeah, kind of ironic isn't it. I am definitely making some progress with helping myself, and i'm happy I found this forum! Thank you for your advice:) Be well!

 

[Muttly]

Hi, I am sorry you have been through so much. It definitely sounds abusive to me. Even if it wasn't, it has caused you pain and you have a right to work through that. I understand the desire to protect your mother, but I'd ask you to think about what you would advise someone else. Would you tell them, that they are responsible for protecting someone's feelings and image at the cost of their own healing?

Also, it doesn't matter if others had it worse. Your experiences matter.

 

[Questioning]

Hi, I am sorry you have been through so much. It definitely sounds abusive to me. Even if it wasn't, it has caused you pain and you have a right to work through that. I understand the desire to protect your mother, but I'd ask you to think about what you would advise someone else. Would you tell them, that they are responsible for protecting someone's feelings and image at the cost of their own healing?

Also, it doesn't matter if others had it worse. Your experiences matter.

Yeah, that is a good perspective which I should consider. Thank you for your reply!

 

[blackemerald1]

Anyone note the irony of this situation?

Definitely did.. and what a position of authority this woman sits in. She's a significant family figure and an expert in the area that Questioning is having difficulties with. So that would be twice as persuasive and so hard to ignore.

 

[EveHarrington]

Maybe your mom should be stripped of her license.

She’s definitely obliterated that “first of all do no harm” oath!

Do you understand that your mom cares more about her reputation than the well being of her own daughter? She came up with a zero in that whole “mama bear” thing, which is quite sad as someone who has no parental protection instincts really should think twice before having kids. I mean, protecting your kids is the number one job of a parent.

I hope one day that you find the strength to separate yourself from her. I wouldn’t be surprised if she was indeed disordered herself.

 

[blackemerald1]

stripped of her license.

She’s definitely obliterated that “first of all do no harm” oath!

Whoops! Hold up a moment. She was never Questionings doctor so though it would be tempting to go there, her professional status isn't really in question and shouldn't be.

as someone who has no parental protection instincts really should think twice before having kids. I mean, protecting your kids is the number one job of a parent.

Heaps of parents are not effective with the parental role in one way or another but that doesn't mean they don't have their strengths too.

I hope one day that you find the strength to separate yourself from her.

Questioning is living away from home now. Not everyone has to separate completely to heal. :)

I wouldn’t be surprised if she was indeed disordered herself.

That's a bit of a stretch. Questioning's mother might have her priority's totally screwed up but that doesn't mean she has a mental health disorder. :oops:

 

[Freemartin]

Hey, countryman! Another Finn here. ??
Seconding everyone: get help. Your mom is entitled to her opinions, but you don’t have to see them as rules regulating your behaviour. Easier said than done, I know... and one of the classic features of abusive families is exactly the fact that what people think and feel feels like the law.

Anyway, go get help. Really.
:hug: <- an awkward Finnish hug