How are you settling in
@shimmerz? I hope it's all starting to feel like home. :hug:
Hi
@blackemerald1, thank you so much for asking. I just saw this message today. Yikes!
It has been a super interesting process, this whole integration into a semblance of normal life. As far as the apartment goes, I have to say that it surprises me to no end that I get these really vivid feelings of 'peace' while I am here. That started just after Christmas.
I am cooking now and even tried baking my famous blueberry muffins. Baking was something that was far and beyond me for all of these years. That was a huge milestone. More importantly, I believe this is the first time EVER that I have been able to feel peaceful in a space. It helps very much that my landlords are great people.
Physically, I am focusing on eating very healthy stuff. I am eating a fat rich diet right now and am taking things like avocados, iodine, magnesium, selenium, probiotics, bone broth and salads. My meds (CBD.THC) oils are helping with my intake of healthy oils, and I am really trying to drink a lot of water and cut back on my coffee. These are things I am finally able to do now that I have my own place with my own fridge and stove etc. Kitchens were a huge trigger for me along the way so I took it very slowly - incorporating new foods just as a mother would go slowly with a new child. This is part of my self care.
Psychologically, I am being hit with something like flashbacks, but not quite. They aren't debilitating so much as they are shocking (?). Many of them I haven't remembered for years, but they are all relevant. Relevant in the way that that memory may lead to another memory that is tied to it, and then another, so it can feel like a real cascade and be overwhelming at times. They mainly occur when I am at home. The thing that I notice about them is that when they hit they come with a timeline attached, which sounds irrelevant, I know, but I think the thing with the flashbacks back when they started was they felt like they were happening in the moment and I couldn't file them in my brain as past events. Now that the memories are coming to me with a timeline, I can safely file them away. There are a ton of them every day and it can be tiring.
My therapist has asked me to be mindful of reminding myself of what 'part' that particular memory may have affected. This is part of the integration process. Many times I will see, along with the timeline, that this memory in some form or fashion, affected more than one 'part' of me and that is important information.
I haven't quite figured out what comes first here, but I am - every night - releasing physically. It's like my body needs to stretch and twist. It is not a process that I do purposefully, but I am noticing that the muscles are stretching to release tension. And as the tension releases, I am noticing that new memories come up. It almost feels as if I am going back in a timeline that has been set throughout the course of my traumatic history, which I am realizing now has been with me all of my life. My therapist keeps reminding me to have compassion for myself - which isn't easy particularly, but prior to doing my self care stuff, this would have been impossible for me to do.
I am noticing that my muscles seem to be releasing way inside the core of me. When this started to happen profound things started to change. I could literally feel the muscles in my core release the tension in my diaphragm and I am now having a much easier time coming back to my breath if I am affected while I am out and about living life.
Speaking of living life, I am reacting to a whole bunch of things now that I am able to walk in crowds and do normal things again. For instance, yesterday I was at the barns for the first time with the grandkids. I met a few people who had NO attachment to trauma and it really f*cked me up. There was a tremendous amount of grief there as it hit me so hard just how much of my life I have lost to this trauma stuff. After I left the barn, my kids and grandkids, my head went insane trying to process it. Certain times I find that the processing of normal events that I am exposing myself to again is really challenging me to the point that I feel I am losing my mind. The spin out yesterday didn't stop until I reminded myself that I had every reason to grieve for all of these losses and again I acknowledged how each part of me has been profoundly affected by these losses. Emotions and naming them are so important in this process. And I mean, I am pretty sure there is much more than grief that was affecting me yesterday. I was most likely mad, and sad and confused, and hurt and a million different things, but even just stating that simple 'grief' thing seemed to stop me from losing my mind.
I don't know how I felt this whole recovery thing was going to go down. I don't think I really even believed truly that I would get this far, but I have to say that I never thought it would be like this. This is so complex yet so simple all at the same time. I mean, I am building a new life now that I am out of survival mode, and looking at it in retrospect, of course I was going to have to figure out how the 'new me' was going to feel about all of these things. It is fascinating and challenging. I am so thankful for this opportunity.
Sorry this is such a novel. Just one more thing.
Therapist and I have done a lot of foundational work prior to me being housed. She thinks I am DID; I don't. I think mine is Structural Dissociation. Doesn't much matter though, because the process of integration is pretty much the same it seems. And parts in this process have been very, very important. Recognizing them so that each wounded part of me can be a part of this victory. That I can recognize it and be mindful that each of my parts have helped me to get here. My 'business woman' part who feels like a complete failure because she can't work yet. My 'mother' part who is so incredibly damaged by what has happened to she and her children. My grandmother part who is trying to limit the damage to her grandchildren given the dynamic in her family. My 'future' part - who is most important. She is the one who is envisioning the future; being mindful of incorporating each of the parts that have made her who she is today and respectfully asking them to be part of the future me. And I am pulling from the best qualities from each of my 'parts' as I experience new situations from a different but more healthy perspective.
I remember watching the movie Sybil back in the day. Never in a million years did I think that her journey would be mine. There is more to all of this 'putting the pieces back together again thing' but I have put a ton of time into finding good supports and I am running with it. My therapist and I had a 2 hour session today where we were mapping out and strategizing how to continue moving forward in a way that will be congruent with the ultimate goal of being able to never reference 'me' as 'she' ever again. Making certain that I get it right and do not create a separate fragment of myself as I walk into whatever plans I have in the future. She says it is much like being an addict. I will always have to be mindful that I have this ability to split off. I need to be careful of what people I hang out with; what environment I am in; how I treat my body physically. By and large that is easier than it sounds in this posting. It is not scary but rather exhilarating and exciting.
I am not out of the woods yet - I seriously thought I was losing myself completely yesterday - but I am a hell of a lot closer than I thought I would ever be. I say thank you a million times every day when I am reminded of my supporters; some of whom I know I will never see again.
