How do you identify parts that don't speak clearly for themselves? How do you learn to communicate with them?

[zombycat]

During therapy last week, it came out that one of my deep-held resentments stems from my childhood. She assigned me the homework of getting to know this resentful little part and trying to figure out what she needs to feel safe and worthy. Okay great.

How?

A little background:
I was used to being the center of attention until I was almost three (middle child of three). When my kid sister came, everything changed. With her bright smile, blonde curls and deep blue eyes, she charmed the socks off of everyone she met. The attention I had felt was my due turned to her, and oh how I resented her for it as we grew older. We fought like cats and dogs. I now believe that was, in large part, my fault. I'm in this place where I want everything from the people in my life while holding them at arm's length because I'm convinced that they don't actually want to be here. I don't want to make myself vulnerable, but then I resent them for not being more... there. I often feel threatened by their other people (friends, etc.) because one of my core beliefs is that, given a choice of any kind between me and another person, the other person will always be the preferred choice. Somehow that seems to mean (as far as my distortion goes anyway) that a choice always must be made, and I will always lose. People straight up can't win with me. I frustrate the ever-loving shit out of myself, so I can only imagine how the people exposed to this side of me feel. I remember how it felt when I was on the other side of it.

I've become this tangled knot of contradictions. I want to be the center of attention. I want to be left alone. I want people to take an active role in my life. I'm quiet and aloof. I'm friendly. I don't give people a chance to really know me. I overshare when someone actually asks me questions about myself. I have huge compassion for people in general. I fear people as individuals. I think people are basically good. I fear the person in front of me will hurt me. I crave affection and playfulness. I'm closed off and rigid. I love light-heartedness and laughter. Too much of my 'humor' has a negative edge to it. My jokes can cut.

I'm familiar with the concept of parts from talking to some of the people here. I've also experienced it myself. After a traumatic event several years ago, I found myself with five distinct voices in my head. Each adopted her own name; each represented a facet of me that needed to be heard. I had no mental health help at the time. I had no idea they were even called 'parts' until I found this forum, but I still managed to re-integrate them on my own. If this kid somewhere inside me was like that, I think I could handle it. But I have no sense of her. I don't know her. I can't hear her, and I don't know how to find her and give her what she needs.

Those of you on here who are familiar with parts work, I'd love some advice. How do you identify parts that don't speak clearly for themselves? How do you learn to communicate with them?

 

[Wendell_R]

My first question would be whether your therapist meant "part" in the same way that you've heard people with parts talk here. In other words, maybe its' too fast to assume that you have a personality-split type part.

With or without parts, you can find a calm, quiet place and imagine the world from the perspective of your little kid self. See what comes up--what you notice, what you imagine, what you feel. What would that little girl need? You can do this purely as an exercise in imagination.

If what comes up is a strong feeling, or a sense of a sliver of consciousness that you haven't been aware of, then maybe it's a part. I've found connection to new parts by coloring and making collages, as well as imagining events or place. Another sign of parts for me is an achy stomach, which often comes up when one of my parts is upset in an undeclared way.

Communication happens for me only after the parts have a safe place to be. It takes time. And initially, "communication" is the wrong word. More like "one-way expression of repressed feelings." Waves of sadness, for example, coming up and out after being hidden for decades.

 

[zombycat]

@Wendell_R
Thank you so much for your suggestions. I think I'm a big part of why she doesn't feel safe to communicate. I find myself feeling pretty judgmental toward some little kid in my head who thinks it's okay to act like an attention seeking brat. Really harsh, right? That's definitely the first thing I'm going to work on. I know what you mean when you talk about repressed feelings bubbling up. That is something I've dealt with a lot. I'll try to pay more attention when it happens.

I asked my T specifically if that was what she meant because I wasn't sure either. I gave non-specific examples of things people have described here to be sure. I don't think it's a split-personality type part? At least not in the sense that I experienced it before. Like holy hell... @_@ Sometimes I couldn't hear the people outside my head talking because they clamored so loud. It scared the crap out of me at first. I thought I was going crazy.

 

[Wendell_R]

I think I'm a big part of why she doesn't feel safe to communicate.

Then maybe the biggest thing to learn is for the adult you to be quiet. And a big part of that is just noticing when the adult feels compelled to talk, talk, talk.

 

[NightSky]

Somatic Mindfulness & Relational Psychotherapy by Somatic Perspectives on Apple Podcasts

I just listened to this podcast with Janina Fisher over the weekend and it had a really great example of how she helped a client with a part. It made the process really clear and is a lot shorter than reading about the method in a book. Maybe it would be helpful for you to listen to.
The contradictions you speak of come up all the time in books I read about trauma. Parts of us are opposed. That seems to go with trauma. I can find the book I read specially if you’re interested.. if that aspect of your personality frustrates you.

 

[TruthSeeker]

During therapy last week, it came out that one of my deep-held resentments stems from my childhood. She assigned me the homework of getting to know this resentful little part and trying to figure out what she needs to feel safe and worthy. Okay great.

How?

A little background:
I was used to being the center of attention until I was almost three (middle child of three). When my kid sister came, everything changed. With her bright smile, blonde curls and deep blue eyes, she charmed the socks off of everyone she met. The attention I had felt was my due turned to her, and oh how I resented her for it as we grew older. We fought like cats and dogs. I now believe that was, in large part, my fault. I'm in this place where I want everything from the people in my life while holding them at arm's length because I'm convinced that they don't actually want to be here. I don't want to make myself vulnerable, but then I resent them for not being more... there. I often feel threatened by their other people (friends, etc.) because one of my core beliefs is that, given a choice of any kind between me and another person, the other person will always be the preferred choice. Somehow that seems to mean (as far as my distortion goes anyway) that a choice always must be made, and I will always lose. People straight up can't win with me. I frustrate the ever-loving shit out of myself, so I can only imagine how the people exposed to this side of me feel. I remember how it felt when I was on the other side of it.

I've become this tangled knot of contradictions. I want to be the center of attention. I want to be left alone. I want people to take an active role in my life. I'm quiet and aloof. I'm friendly. I don't give people a chance to really know me. I overshare when someone actually asks me questions about myself. I have huge compassion for people in general. I fear people as individuals. I think people are basically good. I fear the person in front of me will hurt me. I crave affection and playfulness. I'm closed off and rigid. I love light-heartedness and laughter. Too much of my 'humor' has a negative edge to it. My jokes can cut.

I'm familiar with the concept of parts from talking to some of the people here. I've also experienced it myself. After a traumatic event several years ago, I found myself with five distinct voices in my head. Each adopted her own name; each represented a facet of me that needed to be heard. I had no mental health help at the time. I had no idea they were even called 'parts' until I found this forum, but I still managed to re-integrate them on my own. If this kid somewhere inside me was like that, I think I could handle it. But I have no sense of her. I don't know her. I can't hear her, and I don't know how to find her and give her what she needs.

Those of you on here who are familiar with parts work, I'd love some advice. How do you identify parts that don't speak clearly for themselves? How do you learn to communicate with them?

During therapy last week, it came out that one of my deep-held resentments stems from my childhood. She assigned me the homework of getting to know this resentful little part and trying to figure out what she needs to feel safe and worthy. Okay great.

How?

A little background:
I was used to being the center of attention until I was almost three (middle child of three). When my kid sister came, everything changed. With her bright smile, blonde curls and deep blue eyes, she charmed the socks off of everyone she met. The attention I had felt was my due turned to her, and oh how I resented her for it as we grew older. We fought like cats and dogs. I now believe that was, in large part, my fault. I'm in this place where I want everything from the people in my life while holding them at arm's length because I'm convinced that they don't actually want to be here. I don't want to make myself vulnerable, but then I resent them for not being more... there. I often feel threatened by their other people (friends, etc.) because one of my core beliefs is that, given a choice of any kind between me and another person, the other person will always be the preferred choice. Somehow that seems to mean (as far as my distortion goes anyway) that a choice always must be made, and I will always lose. People straight up can't win with me. I frustrate the ever-loving shit out of myself, so I can only imagine how the people exposed to this side of me feel. I remember how it felt when I was on the other side of it.

I've become this tangled knot of contradictions. I want to be the center of attention. I want to be left alone. I want people to take an active role in my life. I'm quiet and aloof. I'm friendly. I don't give people a chance to really know me. I overshare when someone actually asks me questions about myself. I have huge compassion for people in general. I fear people as individuals. I think people are basically good. I fear the person in front of me will hurt me. I crave affection and playfulness. I'm closed off and rigid. I love light-heartedness and laughter. Too much of my 'humor' has a negative edge to it. My jokes can cut.

I'm familiar with the concept of parts from talking to some of the people here. I've also experienced it myself. After a traumatic event several years ago, I found myself with five distinct voices in my head. Each adopted her own name; each represented a facet of me that needed to be heard. I had no mental health help at the time. I had no idea they were even called 'parts' until I found this forum, but I still managed to re-integrate them on my own. If this kid somewhere inside me was like that, I think I could handle it. But I have no sense of her. I don't know her. I can't hear her, and I don't know how to find her and give her what she needs.

Those of you on here who are familiar with parts work, I'd love some advice. How do you identify parts that don't speak clearly for themselves? How do you learn to communicate with them?

My therapist is all about parts with respect to me. I know I have parts, they can be annoying. My parts are known by function or their talent. Two have names. To communicate with parts I invite them to help me- to include them in fun things- intentionally such as draw, make something from clay, watch a movie, play a game, or help me write poetry or writing stories. I also access them more directly when I take a Shamanic Journey- similar to self hypnosis- but with a self healing purpose or direction. They have made themselves known to me on these personal “mind walks.” I practice core shamanism-which has been very helpful in conversing and troubleshooting with my insiders.

 

[EveHarrington]

I think your therapist really dropped the ball on this one in that she didn’t guide you in how to communicate with your parts. One way is through non-dominate handwriting. You could also try talking to him/her directly, but I find this less effective when asking questions of my parts.

 

[shimmerz]

How do you identify parts that don't speak clearly for themselves? How do you learn to communicate with them?

I watch for a shift in my physical stance. For instance, I have a part who turns in her right foot when she is displaying her need to be heard.

 

[Wendell_R]

I watch for a shift in my physical stance.

And for me, a change in pose (or "physical affect" as my therapist calls it) can help me connect with a part.

 

[zombycat]

I think your therapist really dropped the ball on this one in that she didn’t guide you in how to communicate with your parts.

My T is really amazing in most respects, but I kind of have to agree with you on this one. I felt pretty adrift at the end of the session, at least in this area. I'm so grateful I have all of you to ask for help and ideas. I have a lot of follow up questions for her, too when I see her this week.

I watch for a shift in my physical stance.

I am so bad sometimes at recognizing body cues. I didn't even think about that as a way to tell. Thanks for the suggestion.

@Wendell_R i really love your suggestion about engaging in activities with her. I've loved arts and crafts at every age. I'm going to try some with her.

 

[whiteraven]

To communicate with parts I invite them to help me- to include them in fun things- intentionally such as draw, make something from clay, watch a movie, play a game, or help me write poetry or writing stories. I

Yep, this is what I do. When there was no trust, I spent a lot of time watching movies for kids, coloring, and reading children's books out loud. As I began to understand their various likes and dislikes, I incorporated them into the stuff I did.

 

[zombycat]

Hmmm, that makes sense. Most of the stuff I remember liking is from later childhood, but I'm pretty sure I liked coloring at all ages. And I vaguely remember a weird obsession with butter. Lol