Relationship New girlfriend

[scout86]

I don't want to be all radical, black and white, turn him into a monster.

A person doesn't have to be a monster to be someone you don't want to be involved with, or someone who's not in a place to be in a healthy relationship, or just the wrong combination of people, or something else that makes things just not work. If he actually has a personality disorder, remember it's not something he chose to have. It's more or less something he was born with. (Circumstances play a role too.)

You don't have to either protect him or hate him. You can accept him like he is and move on too. I'm betting the counselor will help. I hope so! (Let us know what you find out?)

 

[Hojay]

A person doesn't have to be a monster to be someone you don't want to be involved with

Yes, this is what I'm aiming for. I don't want to demonize him, as that would totally let me off the hook in terms of responsibility. I don't want that. At this juncture, however, I need to start validating my own experience here and call some things as they are. I couldn't win with this one, no matter the mistakes I made.

I don't blame anyone for a personality disorder--if that's truly what's going on here. On the other hand, it's a slippery slope for someone involved with a PD, or any disorder for that matter, to think along the lines of "but he can't help it." All the tools, support, therapists, books, groups, teachers, you name it are available to help you stop traumatizing those around you. Use them. Is my opinion. There's got to be some responsibility on the other end too. Still, that doesn't mean I have to hate him. But I need to start feeling the anger I didn't let myself feel by relativizing all this shit.

I'll let you know what the counselor said, for sure! Should be interesting.

 

[nursenurse]

We are all fools for love. And with the right person, that is okay. No one can blame a heart for seeing what it wants to see, wishing for what it wants and thinks it needs. What we learn is how we need to be loved by others, and that we need to love ourselves first and foremost. Recognize your patterns, but above all, don't be too hard on yourself. There is generally a smidgen of truth in most affairs of the heart, in that the other cared for you in their own twisted way, when love goes wrong. Healthy, maybe not. It reaffirms your own humanity, and hopefully fortifies your heart so that you can learn to love again in a mutually giving and satisfying relationship. Hold your head high and be proud of the loving, giving person that you are. Take your sweet time healing. Living your life alone (for awhile at least, with good friends for support) is not bad, it is here where you can put things into perspective, recognize your own self worth, and be ready for when the time comes to be a fool for love again, with the right fool. Hugs.

 

[Sighs]

Hugs!

I strongly recommend counselling if you can possibly access some. There are so many emotions to process. Feeling foolish for not seeing it earlier, feeling hurt that someone could deliberately take so much from you without giving anything back, feeling angry that you've been taken for a very painful ride...

Its taken me a long time and many (thankfully for me - free) counselling sessions to get to the point where I realise that I want to stay a loving, caring, giving person - I just want to be more careful who I love, care for and give to. That was on me.

But having said that, my ex's previous GF is a very intelligent, well educated woman with an excellent job - very senior position with an insurance company. I'm a lawyer and his new GF is a doctor. The guy is very very good at what he does - which is manipulating women for his own gain, He does have combat PTSD but that's not the cause of his behaviour - its just a handy excuse.

 

[Hojay]

Hold your head high and be proud of the loving, giving person that you are.

Your entire message is so spot on and kind, thank you! This is the process I'm in, forgiving myself and not letting this shut me down. I don't want to give anyone the power to change my heart permanently.

my ex's previous GF is a very intelligent, well educated woman with an excellent job - very senior position with an insurance company. I'm a lawyer and his new GF is a doctor. The guy is very very good at what he does - which is manipulating women for his own gain,

This is comforting to hear. I mean, yes, strong, intelligent women across the globe get themselves trapped in abusive relationships. Intelligence and strength, I guess, have nothing to do with that. But it sounds like you understand the self-blame that goes along with this. Self-blame to compound the blame absorbed by the other. It's a nice, self-sustaining loop of putting one's self down, huh?

I have yet to figure out how consciously manipulative mine actually was--something in me is still balking at the thought that he was even semi-conscious doing this. But he MUST, deep down, know the pain and trauma he is causing (he was, on occasion, seemingly destroying himself with suicidal guilt about his effect on me.)

Then again, how could he be taking responsibility if he's involving someone new so soon? It seems to confirm the fact that he's absolved himself, that he doesn't see his behavior as a problem. So maybe the question isn't, how conscious were his actions? Maybe it's more about how self-righteous they were. He doesn't need to be fully conscious of his behavior to make himself believe he was and is entitled to behaving this way, because eternal victim. Hmm...just babbling here now. But that helps too.

 

[Sighs]

I strongly recommend a book called Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft. It explains that abusers behave the way they do because of the way they THINK not because of the way they FEEL. I made so many excuses for my ex because I saw him as damaged, hurt, depressed person. And a lot of the time he was those things. But he treated me so incredibly badly because he thinks he's better than everyone else and he's entitled to take, take, take.

I wish I had read the book years earlier than I did. I had some real penny drop moments! If you google "why does he do that quotes" you will come up with some really great insights.

Again, hugs!

 

[Friday]

It explains that abusers behave the way they do because of the way they THINK not because of the way they FEEL.

That’s actually kind of freaking brilliant.

 

[Hojay]

@Sighs soooo...I downloaded Why Does He Do That?, read pretty much all of it in one sitting, and...I can't even put this into words right now. Talk about penny drop moments.

What's really landing now is the extent to which his "issues" were used as a manipulation to keep me from looking at the "real" problem, and that is how very justified he actually felt in behaving the way he did--or else he simply wouldn't have.

Scary, also, to think how much control he actually had about where and when he acted out like this. I distinctly remember a situation when he snapped back to normal the instant someone else walked into the room. I thought it was odd then. I should have listened to my gut.

So yes, while he was trying to make me look at how he FEELS (and all the understanding, compassion, and patience that elicited,) it was actually about how he THINKS the whole time--his belief system, entitlements, need for control, etc. Just like you say up there. Right now it looks like his PTSD was just one epic smoke screen for abuse (and by abuse I mean the emotional, manipulative kind that left me questioning my own sense of self and my reality.) What an eye opener.

I wish I'd read this a while ago too. Then again, I was so absorbed in his web of mimimi, I wouldn't have believed it then. I do now. THANK YOU for pointing me toward this book--this one truly made a difference. It should be required reading for supporters, if only to forget about PTSD for a moment and double check they're not in fact caught up in something plain abusive. Phew.

 

[Sighs]

People talk about books being life-changing. That one really was for me. It was the beginning of the inkling of the thought that maybe, just maybe, this wasn't about his PTSD and was about choices he consciously made to treat me worse than he treated his dogs.

It should be mandatory reading for high schoolers of both genders.

The other thing to remember is that if it hadn't been PTSD it would have been something else. "I was bullied at school" or "my mother never loved me" or whatever he thought would suck you in. Actually having PTSD and the genuine medals to fit the "wounded war hero' persona just makes it so much easier for my ex to use and abuse people.

One of the things I was angry about was how poorly it reflects on people who have PTSD and don't use that as justification to abuse people!

 

[dulcia]

Remember, it's not like you're missing out on anything. You know exactly what she's getting....either now or three months from now when the honeymoon high wears off.