Relationship I’m very worried about my girlfriend with PTSD

[Danyal]

Hi guys, I’m really worried about my girlfriend who’s suffering with severe depression and anxiety everything to do with ptsd, I’m trying so many ways to talk to her and understand from a different point of view which sometimes I’m deemed as helpful but sometimes I’m a trigger with things, any advice on what to speak about or ways to deal around it I would appreciate the advice

 

[Friday]

The best advice I can offer is to try and be a friend, not a therapist.

If the difference seems confusing? Consider if she was dyslexic or diabetic. A friend might listen to venting about either, be a shoulder to lean on from time to time, or give a shout when something seems extra wrong... but they’re not going to try and teach them how to read, or be attempting to monitor their diet or insulin use... and if all their time together is spent discussing or dealing with dyslexia or diabetes? That’s not really a friendship, is it? That’s being a special needs tutor or endocrinologist.

Friendship is an invaluable thing, but people often don’t weigh it accordingly, thinking they need to do more because they love this person. Attempting to be more than a friend? Will exhaust you, and unbalance the relationship. That’s why even endocrinologists, teachers, & therapists refer their loved ones to colleagues... rather than trying to be all things, they choose the most important role. Which is the personal one, rather than the professional one.

 

[EveHarrington]

Can I ask how you try to talk to her?

Some talk.....very bad.

Other kinds of talk.....very good.

 

[pam4him]

First, I wish more people were as understanding as you. PTSD can be tricky with different emotions happening with different triggers. It's hard to know how to help, and even more frustrating for those who suffer from it. Second, if you haven't already, perhaps have a conversation with her about how you can help her. Maybe set up some signals, like if she holds up 1 finger she wants to be held, 2 might be just be near me, 3 is "i need alone time.", etc. Hopefully together you can establish a support system that you both can work with. Prayers for wisdom, peace and strength.

 

[OrangeJulius]

any advice on what to speak about or ways to deal around it

I generally don't talk about it unless he brings it up first (rare) or if an aspect of it is affecting our relationship that needs to be addressed. Otherwise I do normal check ins like I would with anybody else, "how was your day?" "Yeah, that sounds hard. Want to talk about it more?" "Is there anything I can do to help take your mind off it?" "Ok. Let me know if that changes. I'm here for you whenever you need me. I'm off to the store, any dinner requests?"

 

[Justmehere]

What is worrying you the most about her symptoms? Are there any safety issues?

In a moment where things are going well, ask her what is helpful to her as a partner, not a therapist or someone who is trying to fix her. Because you can't cure or fix her symptoms.

You are responsible for respecting boundaries whenever she communicates them and your own reactions and emotions. But you are not responsible for her being triggered, and she will feel triggered at times. You are just responsible for you.

I'm triggered by those closest to me, but it's up to me to manage my symptoms and communicate my boundaries and needs.

 

[Danyal]

Can I ask how you try to talk to her?

Some talk.....very bad.

Other kinds of talk.....very good.

I’m always trying to be quite positive with it but I feel sometimes I’m too forward with questions and the way I approach her

What is worrying you the most about her symptoms? Are there any safety issues?

In a moment where things are going well, ask her what is helpful to her as a partner, not a therapist or someone who is trying to fix her. Because you can't cure or fix her symptoms.

You are responsible for respecting boundaries whenever she communicates them and your own reactions and emotions. But you are not responsible for her being triggered, and she will feel triggered at times. You are just responsible for you.

I'm triggered by those closest to me, but it's up to me to manage my symptoms and communicate my boundaries and needs.

Yes a few times she’s actually been to the point of feeling suicidal and as you can imagine I’m really worried, I try my utmost best but even as a boyfriend I feel sometimes nothing matters around her and she wants out but then seems to calm with time until a trigger happens

The best advice I can offer is to try and be a friend, not a therapist.

If the difference seems confusing? Consider if she was dyslexic or diabetic. A friend might listen to venting about either, be a shoulder to lean on from time to time, or give a shout when something seems extra wrong... but they’re not going to try and teach them how to read, or be attempting to monitor their diet or insulin use... and if all their time together is spent discussing or dealing with dyslexia or diabetes? That’s not really a friendship, is it? That’s being a special needs tutor or endocrinologist.

Friendship is an invaluable thing, but people often don’t weigh it accordingly, thinking they need to do more because they love this person. Attempting to be more than a friend? Will exhaust you, and unbalance the relationship. That’s why even endocrinologists, teachers, & therapists refer their loved ones to colleagues... rather than trying to be all things, they choose the most important role. Which is the personal one, rather than the professional one.

I appreciate the advice thank you I hope it helps, I just really want to help her but I also think I do things sometimes unintentionally I make matters worse and I’m trying so hard to work around but it seems a lot of things are triggers then I start questioning myself thinking am I making matters worse when all I wanna do is help?

First, I wish more people were as understanding as you. PTSD can be tricky with different emotions happening with different triggers. It's hard to know how to help, and even more frustrating for those who suffer from it. Second, if you haven't already, perhaps have a conversation with her about how you can help her. Maybe set up some signals, like if she holds up 1 finger she wants to be held, 2 might be just be near me, 3 is "i need alone time.", etc. Hopefully together you can establish a support system that you both can work with. Prayers for wisdom, peace and strength.

I’m gonna try this and see how I get on, thank you for that appreciate the replies.

 

[Justmehere]

If you are ever concerned for her safety, you can reach out to a crisis phone or text line. They can talk someone through in real time things to say and do if someone is expressing a desire to die. It's not just for sufferers, but supporters too.

Does she communicate suicidal thoughts or behaviors related because of a trigger she says is related to you?

 

[EveHarrington]

I’m always trying to be quite positive with it but I feel sometimes I’m too forward with questions and the way I approach her

Can you explain this in depth?

I’m trying to understand how you talk to her so I can give better feedback.

Thanks!

 

[Danyal]

If you are ever concerned for her safety, you can reach out to a crisis phone or text line. They can talk someone through in real time things to say and do if someone is expressing a desire to die. It's not just for sufferers, but supporters too.

Does she communicate suicidal thoughts or behaviors related because of a trigger she says is related to you?

Yes!!!

Can you explain this in depth?

I’m trying to understand how you talk to her so I can give better feedback.

Thanks!

It’s very difficult because there’s times when I’ll hold her and say everything will be alright or try to get her to explain her thoughts and remind her that flashbacks and stuff are not happening again they’ve happened once or if she’s very upset and wants to cry or let it out I’ll try to let her be but it’s very hard seeing your partner like that and I never know what’s right or wrong

 

[Justmehere]

You have a lot of compassion.

It’s a big red flag that she is stating to you that she is suicidal because of things you are doing. That’s a huge sign to back up. It’s good to reach out when someone is feeling that way, it’s not ok to try to put it on someone else.

This is probably something you do not want to read, but she simply may not be able to be in a relationship right now. I get triggered by partners, but I don’t tell them I want to die because of it, even when I am depressed and already fighting suicidal thoughts - I don’t tell them it’s because of things they are doing. That’s a really shitty thing to put on someone.

She is using the suicidal statements to try to change you and get you to manage her symptoms for you, instead of doing the work herself, and it will never work.

She needs to be setting boundaries for her own life and getting the professional help she needs to manage her symptoms herself.

The whole situation could be sliding into the area of emotional blackmail and more mental health issues other than PTSD.

Take all her statements about suicide seriously and call or text for help. They can assess the seriousness of the situation and talk you through what to do, and if needed, send help to her. She’ll either get the help she desperately needs or find other more productive ways to communicate her requests and needs.

 

[Deleted member 48076]

You have a lot of compassion.

It’s a big red flag that she is stating to you that she is suicidal because of things you are doing. That’s a huge sign to back up. It’s good to reach out when someone is feeling that way, it’s not ok to try to put it on someone else.

This is probably something you do not want to read, but she simply may not be able to be in a relationship right now. I get triggered by partners, but I don’t tell them I want to die because of it, even when I am depressed and already fighting suicidal thoughts - I don’t tell them it’s because of things they are doing. That’s a really shitty thing to put on someone.

She is using the suicidal statements to try to change you and get you to manage her symptoms for you, instead of doing the work herself, and it will never work.

She needs to be setting boundaries for her own life and getting the professional help she needs to manage her symptoms herself.

The whole situation could be sliding into the area of emotional blackmail and more mental health issues other than PTSD.

Take all her statements about suicide seriously and call or text for help. They can assess the seriousness of the situation and talk you through what to do, and if needed, send help to her. She’ll either get the help she desperately needs or find other more productive ways to communicate her requests and needs.

In all honesty, I think this is out of order. I think without knowing the full story, it isn’t fair to talk about mental health problems and emotional blackmail.

Let’s not discard the idea that the person themselves may have played a major part in causing the trauma to begin with. And then provided AND continue to provide an environment of mistrust, betrayal and complete insecurity covered by sweet words and apologies to destroy the sufferer further and now they want to talk about trying to help?

Don’t be so naive.

I am not denying that being with someone who is suffering with PTSD is hard. It is hard for all those involved, including the sufferer. However, you’d think that all this ‘caring’ and ‘loving’ would result in trying your best to create a safe, loving and secure place in which the person can focus on nothing but their healing without having to worry about anything else? Instead of actively doing everything in their power to destroy them further.

Danyal, I don’t know what point you are trying to prove here. I understand you have chosen to widen your knowledge on the topic and are requesting real advice but if you’re going to be posting on this forum to gain insight, it’s best you post the whole truth and nothing but the truth - don’t try to sugarcoat it.

Thanks.