Sufferer Scared Newby - Childhood Trauma, Abuse, & Trying To Quit Porn As A Coping Mechanism

[Sinner]

Have you thought about applying for disability?

Seeing a lawyer next month. My health is so bad I am having to close my business in the next several days or weeks. I am a barber. Need several surgeries. Prostate, foot, hand, 2nd surgery on vocal chords. Diabetic, arthritis, hypertension, asthma. Need knee replacements. They have tried to put me on opioids for pain but I refused them. Clean and sober for 26 years.
I don't know how we will survive without my income. Need to work and I just feel like I can't take another step.

 

[Kubash16]

I think in your case disability would be a really good option. Does your wife work?

 

[Sinner]

I think in your case disability would be a really good option. Does your wife work?

Very hard. Long hours. Low pay. We live in a depressed farming community. Closest large towns are 1 to 2 hours away. I drive an hour to get to work daily. I really appreciate your thoughts and time.

I have got to go in for work now. I will check back later this evening if possible. It helps a little just to get some things off my chest. Thanks.

 

[Kubash16]

I feel your pain, I drive an hour one way as well lol. It may be beneficial to look into whether she qualifies for disability as well-not sure how old y’all are. I can’t remember the steps to it but you could go on disability and she could become your caretaker and get a subsidy from the state for it (if you are in the US).

 

[Starfire]

Hope things have calmed down & your referral to a good therapist is on the way. This is our normal. I still forget to blame the adult perpetrators not myself the child. You just reminded me again. Thanks.

 

[Sinner]

I feel your pain, I drive an hour one way as well lol. It may be beneficial to look into whether she qualifies for disability as well-not sure how old y’all are. I can’t remember the steps to it but you could go on disability and she could become your caretaker and get a subsidy from the state for it (if you are in the US).

I'm 59 in October. She is 58 but needs the benefits she gets through her work. I am considering trying digital marketing to supplement the disability if I can get it. It is hard dealing with people when I'm so depressed.

 

[littleoc]

Commiting suicide won’t help :hug: because you’ve got some healing to do and I can tell you’re capable of it. You’ve come here reaching out for help despite being scared to speak out; that’s huge. That means you can do this.

Do you need numbers for a suicide hotline? We can’t help in an emergency, but they can. We’ll support you :hug:

Whatever makes you so sure that reaching out to people in real life — maybe that’s a good topic for your first main-forum thread. There have been so many people (including me) with this fear, and maybe they can offer advice for you.

Hang in there. I’m glad you can tell it’ll make your whole family sad. It’s true.

 

[Sinner]

Thank you.

 

[Ronin]

You are still having plans (like, what to do, and try a new to improve your situation), that is pretty awesome, and regardless of how things work out, it is totally badass you are trying and still moving forward and not giving up.

Edited to add: With porn itself, have you considered you are helping the actors in it earn a living? It may not be the healthiest for marriage life true, depending how your wife feels about it and all, but also is not something really sinful... and you are helping other (quite often marginalized) people earn a living.

 

[Sinner]

You are still having plans (like, what to do, and try a new to improve your situation), that is pretty awesome, and regardless of how things work out, it is totally badass you are trying and still moving forward and not giving up.

Edited to add: With porn itself, have you considered you are helping the actors in it earn a living? It may not be the healthiest for marriage life true, depending how your wife feels about it and all, but also is not something really sinful... and you are helping other (quite often marginalized) people earn a living.

Thank you. There is some pretty raunchy out there these days. It's not good for me. The abusive stuff makes me remember more things. When I have the flashbacks, I can't really get a clear fix on the faces. It's like I need to recognize them so I can be angry at them and bring closure. But finding closure is as ellusive as the first high so I keep trying. I think I am seeing that it's an endless Chase and I just want off the rollercoaster. Makes me feel really depressed and disappointed in myself.

 

[Sinner]

Hope things have calmed down & your referral to a good therapist is on the way. This is our normal. I still forget to blame the adult perpetrators not myself the child. You just reminded me again. Thanks.

I try to remember the individual can be victim, perpetrator or both. I have forgiven some and struggling with forgiving others. It's hard to forgive fuzzy faces.

 

[Sinner]

I tried going to church today. A woman sang a song I haven't heard in a long time. "Who will love me for me". A song about abuse and forgiveness. The message was about prayer breaking chains. I had the minister pray for me about the PTSD. I cried through the song and message.

It's like God made the whole service for me. I wasn't even going to go to that church until a few minutes before the service started. Maybe God's still listening to my prayers.Maybe I can make it through another day.