I am not enough, I am undesirable, unwanted, and unlovable...

[Lionheart]

This is not going to be easy for me to share. I have written in my diary about it but not on the open forum.

When I was young I was a victim of sexual child abuse. One of the ways that the perps manipulated me was to use body-shaming. They teased me, making fun of my pre-pubescent body, my genitals, and my delayed sexual development. I was told that I was not enough, that no woman would want me and if she did it would only be out of pity. I was told that no woman would ever be loyal and true to me, that I did not measure up, that I was undesirable, and that I should accept that I was only good enough to pleasure a man.

So I accepted the abuse and the belief that I was the cause of that abuse.

Decades later and I have seen several doctors who have assured me that I have a normal, healthy, anatomy, and have no need to worry about my sexual development. I have seen therapists that tell me that this was one of the ways that abuse perps lie to their victims to keep them compliant. I have used CBT and positive life experiences to combat the lies, yet I am 58 years old and still struggle with these old core beliefs.

Yes, it is true, my body is not perfect, it is old, out of shape and scarred, but I am so tired of being ashamed of myself and afraid for others to see me.

I know that I need additional professional help, but don't know what type of therapist or modality to look for. Nor do I understand why this problem seems so treatment resistant.

This is a sensitive subject for me, one that has caused me a great deal of emotional pain, embarrassment, humiliation, and fear. I don't even like to talk to a therapist about this stuff and yet here I am posting about it because I need some relief from the pain it has caused.

I guess what I want to know is, can a person really recover from these types of wounds? And how might I best be able to heal from these long-held beliefs? Are they really cognitive distortions or am I lying to myself? Where do you go with problems like these? Do I need a trauma specialist? etc.

 

[Reneprays]

I am so sorry you have been hurt in such a way. I know it may sound cliche, but the truth is, God created you to be more than enough. The full healing for me in my identity was to see myself through the eyes of God who crafted and created me, who wanted a relationship with ME. And that same God created you for the same reason. He felt the world needed you. He didn't make a mistake with you. Reminding yourself whenever those lies come at you, that they are a lie, that you are worthy of love, that you are enough, that you are wanted by the almighty God. Remind yourself as often as it takes.
If you don't have a relationship with God yet, it is not too late. He says whoever believes in me will have everlasting life. He sent His son to die for you and to give you a life free from shame.
I pray that you find hope in new ways, that your heart fill with the truth that you were perfectly and wonderfully made.
Be encouraged this day. Your past does not define you and those liars are not going to steal your peace anymore!

 

[bellbird]

Ohh, Lion. I know our distortions can be deafening, so I know my voice might not be able to break through, but you are not those things your abuse-history and distortions are calling you.
You are lovable.
You are worthy of love.
You are enough.

I do think that trauma-specific therapy could be helpful for you, given how deeply rooted these distortions are with your abuse.

By processing that trauma in a safe environment, we can work to challenge those distortions, and approach them at their root cause, to help you to see yourself in the way that so many of us here see you (a wonderful, kind, lovable man who is so deserving of the love he desires). :hug:

 

[somerandomguy]

In junior high, my peers, both boys and girls, constantly called me a certain gay slur. I understand how those kinds of things can color and taint your life forever after. If I hadn't wanted to make sure that everyone else didn't ever think of me as a [gay slur] again, I wouldn't have stayed with my terrible girlfriend, who I later married, and who ended up abusing me.

It's definitely worth trying to get over. It's not true, and intellectually you understand it's not true - but you don't really KNOW it.

On really, really bad days, I still struggle with thinking of myself as that slur. But usually not only do I not think of myself as the slur ... I don't think about it at all. And that's what I hope for you.

 

[Lionheart]

I am so sorry you have been hurt in such a way.

Thank you @Reneprays !!!

to help you to see yourself in the way that so many of us here see you (a wonderful, kind, lovable man who is so deserving of the love he desires).

Oh @bellbird your opinion of me does change how I feel about myself, if only temporarily until I get these old CD's worked through. It means the world to me, thank you!!!

I understand how those kinds of things can color and taint your life forever after. It's definitely worth trying to get over. It's not true, and intellectually you understand it's not true - but you don't really KNOW it.

I know you understand how deeply those lies can cut us...to the core. Thank you for supporting me and my recovery from this issue. It is certainly not what I would wish for anyone else to have to deal with.

 

[Deanna]

Lion.. I am so sorry. Listen... They had to say those cruel things to get what they wanted ( as gross as that is) and you believe it up to this day. It's just awful. I was too bullied by my own mother. Verbally abused when little and beat on a regular basis. We are not those things.. Never were.. And don't take ownership of some pore punk that doesn't deserve a minute of your time. Don't let them continue to steal your time in those thoughts. None of it is true.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

You are lovable.
You are worthy of love.
You are ENOUGH! :hug:

A THOUSAND exclamation points!!!!!!!!!! YOU ARE A GIFT to MY LIFE, and I KNOW YOU TO BE A WONDERFUL AND LOVABLE MAN!!!

Personally, I would have been HONORED to have been in your REAL world many years ago, before I took on the emotional baggage of 4 broken marriages and other relationships that didn't work.

Our true "beauty" lies in our souls and a pretty or nice looking exterior can be quite misleading. To be honest, my taste was questioned more than once because I chose to look INTO the EYES of the men I dated and chose from my heart.

I have found that a majority of "good-looking" men have an air of arrogance about them that I could never get past. They make me want to puke. (I am quite jaded, you know, but YOU have shown me that not ALL men have ulterior motives! A man CAN be genuine and authentic, with quiet and gentle strength. That's YOU ?(((@Lionheart777 )))

I hope that your T will be able to help you process, or re-process your self-talk, whatever it takes to help you have one or more lightbulb moments that will help turn your thought distortions around your physical appearance. That "voice" from the past, the one in your head, is LYING to you, just like your abusers did!

I hope this gives you a different perspective? From a friend who happens to be a woman And who loves you dearly!

Peace, Love & HUGS for you???

 

[littleoc]

This is not going to be easy for me to share.

I’m really, really amazed that you had the courage to share this. You are a lot braver than you give yourself credit for.

I was told that I was not enough, that no woman would want me and if she did it would only be out of pity.

The first thing I want to say is that you aren’t alone in this. I’m too ashamed to talk to my therapist about it, also, but I was told the same thing. I was told something was wrong with the way I looked, was given examples, and was compared to my “hot” sister (who was 15 at the time). And the reason has to do with this:

I have seen therapists that tell me that this was one of the ways that abuse perps lie to their victims to keep them compliant.

The shame is a control mechanism. It’s to make us think that if we talk about it to anyone, it won’t be them getting in trouble, it’ll be us, because we are disgusting, wrong, and should be ashamed of what’s going on. Making us think there is something wrong with us — that’s really hard to shake off.

Nor do I understand why this problem seems so treatment resistant.

You’re doing one thing that’s going to help you a lot right now, and that’s talking about it. It’s a brave, impressive thing to do. It’s going to help you slowly get rid of that shame. You are not the one who should be ashamed. You are brave, and people respect you.

Do you know about affirmations? Saying something to yourself daily will allow your subconscious to start looking for evidence of it. Remind yourself every day that you are not ashamed, for example, and you’ll find evidence that you shouldn’t be.

This is a sensitive subject for me, one that has caused me a great deal of emotional pain, embarrassment, humiliation, and fear.

Then I’m glad you’re reaching out about it. That’s huge.

:hug::hug:

 

[Lionheart]

YOU ARE A GIFT to MY LIFE, and I KNOW YOU TO BE A WONDERFUL AND LOVABLE MAN!!!

Our true "beauty" lies in our souls and a pretty or nice looking exterior can be quite misleading. I have found that a majority of "good-looking" men have an air of arrogance about them that I could never get past. They make me want to puke.

You are a gift to my life as well. You are a wonderful and lovable woman and I am honored to know you!!! Thanks for helping me to see the truth of the situation. You are the best!!!

I’m glad you’re reaching out about it. That’s huge.

Me too, and thank you @littleoc for all that you have said here. You are an amazing friend and I appreciate you so much!!!