Relationship Struggling with partner

[skgray]

Hi everyone,

I'm starting to really struggle with my relationship at the moment and found this forum so have joined up in hopes to be able to get this off my chest and maybe get some support and/or insight.

I don't want to go too much into detail but my partner and I have been together for nearly 2 years (both females) and it has been a tumultuous time to say the least. She was sexually abused at age 12 by a male family friend, emotionally, physically and sexually abused at age 16 by a female partner and then for 10 years was abused by a full-on narcissist (also female), sexually, physically, emotionally, mentally, financially.....in all ways possible really. My partner was a drug and alcohol addict for many many years to cope with everything she has been through and got off the drugs right before we got together, after the narcissist left for the billionth time and she decided that she wasn't going to let her come back again (hoovering, from what I've read?) I myself have depression, panic disorder with agoraphobia and chronic fatigue syndrome. So between us, there's a lot.

Any who, over our relationship, there have been a lot testing times on both of our behalves. I definitely have my own behavioral issues that I'm working on and she is working on hers but I'm really struggling with the ways she learned to cope. She can be very snappy, reactive and withdraws a lot. She started seeing a counselor a few months ago and she has said to me that because she's not covering up everything with drugs anymore (aside from marijuana use to help her cope with everything coming up) she is feeling all of the feelings she should've felt back then so it's all new and coming to the surface which she is finding extremely hard. I'm unsure if she has PTSD but I'm pretty sure she does, given some of the traits she shows but she doesn't have flashbacks or anything like that but she has everything else. She has dissociated a lot, lost periods of time and has done things in that time that has caused a massive strain on our relationship. With the help of her counselor, she has started to control her anger and how much she withdraws but with my own abandonment issues and the fact she has spent just about as many nights away from me as she has with me over the past 2 years, I'm finding it hard to cope. She has explained to me that the reason she needs so much alone time, which I will clarify-we don't live together anymore but she considers my home her home and is here most nights, is because she was the only one who could keep herself safe and that she needs that time to be in her own bubble. She says she finds it hard to be away from me and doesn't want things to be like this but it's all she knows right now and is trying to work on it. I have told her that there needs to be boundaries because she often withdraws not only physically but also emotionally, takes her love away, wouldn't let me know that she wasn't going to be in contact with me, I wouldn't know when she was coming home again, says she would be coming home and then doesn't etc. It was starting to hurt me all too much and she has been making a real effort for the past week but she had her counselling session yesterday and is now wanting to be alone for the night as she's feeling lost within herself, which is something I hear a lot (she has a room at her parents where is where she lives but only goes there when she needs these me nights).

I guess I just wanted to hear if anyone has experienced anything like this either with their own PTSD or their spouses. I love this girl very much and am willing to stay by her side through everything but I would be lying if I said it doesn't hurt. Every time she goes distant, spends nights away, not knowing when she's coming home and because of the dissociative episodes she's experienced and what shes done in them, it has created trust issues for us but I have been putting that aside for the most part so she can have what she needs. I have made my mistakes in this relationship so I do understand why I don't feel like a safe person so all I'm trying to do is work on my own stuff while she works on hers. I guess, just with all of my health issues and not much of a life or support network for myself, I am emotionally relying on someone that has had a really rough past and isn't able to give me the kind of relationship I would like at this stage in her life. Even though things have been rough, she is the first person who has actually whole-heartedly loved me, which is probably why my abandonment issues have come up in this relationship and I am the first person she has properly loved so we are very much in this together and deciding to work through our own wounds instead of breaking up and having those wounds come back up in the next relationship (been there, done that too many times so with this relationship I want to actually sort my shit out and keep the person).

Thank you for reading and any advise would be much appreciated.

 

[Orangesfrompears]

It sounds like you have a lot of insight. It’s super hard when the person withdraws emotionally and physically. I’m also in a same sex relationship. I think you’re absolutely right to recognise that mistakes you’ve made contribute to making you an unsafe person for her. I think being safe is probably the thing to work on. Not getting your needs met is the hardest. Im polyamorous and getting my needs met by someone else doesn’t replace the needs not met by my girlfriend. Good luck

 

[Friday]

I guess I just wanted to hear if anyone has experienced anything like this either with their own PTSD or their spouses

Yep. It’s called Isolation in PTSD-land, and it can either be a tool -used to keep Stress Cups stable- OR a reaction/coping mechanism when there’s been too much stress. Essentially the difference is the cause. Is it something you’re doing on purpose, to remain functional... or is it a consequence that renders you non-functional?

Not all people with PTSD isolate, but a lot if not most, do.

You are 100% within your rights to apply your own boundaries in regards to isolating. She may or may not be willing or able to meet those, at which point IME it’s negotiation or serious consideration of the long term time.

 

[Kubash16]

I don’t have any real advice other then to mimic what Friday said about determining your boundaries. Her issues do not get to determine everything, it’s a collaborative effort and if you try being the one who gives all the time you will burn out. So boundaries are necessary.

I don’t isolate quite as extreme as some on this forum do. I tend to do it in a halfway sense. Most of the time I can physically still be there but I’ll be checked out. I’ll withdraw into myself and just operate on autopilot pretty much. Unless I’m having a really hard time being around people in general which does happen, and then I would hide out somewhere pretending to be social with others so that I’m not bothered and will just be by myself to recharge. It’s not anything personal.

Given that she’s doing nitty gritty stuff in therapy it’s totally understandable that she is isolating. Therapy is f*cking hard. It brings so much stuff to the surface that you feel like you’re being swallowed whole. Especially if you’ve spent years being numb to it all.

Give her time. I am glad she has someone as supportive as you.

 

[Justmehere]

Build up other supports as much as you can. Do things with friends or make new friends (I know, easy to say, harder to do.) This might help when she needs space. Working on trauma is super hard, and very draining. When I sit down and isolate it’s not out of lack of care for the other person, it’s more like wanting to connect but I just can’t. I can’t do it anymore than I could climb a mountain while on chemo.

If not all your emotional needs for connection are wrapped up in one relationship but you have friends to talk to and spend time around, then it might be a little less jarring when she’s gone.

 

[Freida]

Given that she’s doing nitty gritty stuff in therapy it’s totally understandable that she is isolating. Therapy is f*cking hard. It brings so much stuff to the surface that you feel like you’re being swallowed whole. Especially if you’ve spent years being numb to it all.

yep.

When I sit down and isolate it’s not out of lack of care for the other person, it’s more like wanting to connect but I just can’t. I can’t do it anymore than I could climb a mountain while on chemo.

great example -- and yep.

 

[skgray]

Thanks so much everyone, all this information is really helpful. I’ve read quite a bit on this forum about isolation and have noticed that a lot you say the same things as her about how much it’s it if her control and how hard it is not to do. I think the best thing for me to do is to start concentrating on my own life when it happens and to not stress so much about it. The dance of an avoidant attachment and an anxious attachment is not easy, that’s for sure!

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I guess I just wanted to hear if anyone has experienced anything like this either with their own PTSD

Uh huh! After therapy has been hitting me hard over the past 6 months, at least. I spend hours and hours curled up on the dark bathroom floor (door closed, I live alone) with my service dog peering out the bottom of the floor because that's where I felt the safest in my trauma (locked in a closet).

We need space, period. We isolate, period. It is normal for PTSDers. Not saying she has PTSD but just saying that in general. It will be like that probably forever for me. I am sure most that suffer from PTSD learn to isolate less and less over time but for a long, long, LONG while we spend it by ourselves in our own personal hell in our minds.