There's someone dangerous outside my bathroom door

[bellbird]

I've been contemplating posting about this for a while.

Not exactly sure why the degree of contemplation; maybe that's something to look into in itself.

Sorry, rambling. Must be nervous.

I know where this has developed from:
In my abusive relationship, when I lived in my abuser's house, I used to hide in the toilet room (not sure what exactly to call it; the toilet was separate from the bathroom. A little room, big enough to fit only the toilet in it, toilet paper stacked just to the side).

The toilet room was the safest room in the house sometimes.

I would lock myself in the room, and burrow down as deep as I could within myself to try and pretend that I wasn't living in that reality. To try and get away from him.

But on multiple occasions, he picked the lock and suddenly the door was burst open.


Enough, background done.

Now, distortion:
I'm actually not sure what has made this become so prevalent. I'm also not sure exactly when this started.

Since at least January 2019 I would say.

Whenever I'm sitting down on the toilet, trying to go, I can't until I calm myself down enough by telling myself that I'm ok/safe/etc.

I actually say outloud:
"You're ok, bellbird. You're ok."
Because bellbird didn't exist back then; I joined this forum and created that pseudonym after the abuse years. And in those moments, I don't want to be the me that existed back then, because that was the me that got burst in on.

It's a bit stressful.

This need has happened in multiple locations, including ones where my ex and I were never there together in the past.

I'm currently out of town, recovering from surgery. So I can't see my T for another few weeks about this, and it's not the sort of thing that can be "processed" over the phone or an email.

I'm not really sure what sure what I'm hoping to get out of posting here.

To feel less "weird"?
Less alone?
Maybe just to get this out of my head. I've never told this to anyone before. Probably time that it got out of just being in my head.

 

[Wendell_R]

But on multiple occasions, he picked the lock and suddenly the door was burst open.

Maybe it's been stressful because this is another horrible thing about your past that you are admitting happened. And in the past few weeks, toilets haven't exactly been comfortable places for you, either.

I'm not really sure what sure what I'm hoping to get out of posting here.

Putting it in words and posting it gives you ownership and decreases shames & secrets. You have nothing to be ashamed of. This is another example of how controlling your $%*# was.

I actually say outloud:
"You're ok, bellbird. You're ok."

This is fine & good! Another thing that works for me: choose someone safe, and every time you go to the toilet, imagine seeing them outside and keeping things safe and calm. Dissociative people have a lot of imagination, and it's okay to use that to our advantage!


:hug: :hug:

 

[littleoc]

Same. When I shower at night, especially, I fear my dad is about to kick down the door. In fact, the door is still splintered from other times he’s done that.

What I do now is ground myself when I shower. I use another bathroom that I used to hide in for everything else, and for that I can close a bedroom door to feel safer. For the shower room, I open a drawer in the way of the door, then make my phone and turn it either to music, or those long episodes of SciShow because they’re new facts and facts always keep my attention. :)

Sometimes just talking about it to someone has been helpful :)

 

[knuckles]

I am not a big fan of the dysfunctionality that ensues when traumatic experiences bleeds into normal everyday situations.

I have a thing about closed doors in general. Locked doors often seem to hold even greater threat. I live alone, so I have taken down most doors in the house. I'm guessing leaving the door open while you're in the bathroom isn't much of a socially acceptable option in your current situation though.

Sorry I have no advice or words of comfort. Just wanted to let you know that you are not alone.

ETA: a thought though... Would it help you feel less threatened if the door was unlocked (but still closed). If the locking of the door is a precursor for the anxiety/fear, maybe leaving the door unlocked could sort of bypass that chain of thoughts. Unless the past experiences has tainted the whole being-in-a-bathroom/toilet too much.
I like Wendell's suggestion about imagining someone standing guard/keeping you safe.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

((( @bellbird )))
You are NOT weird...unless I can be weird with you? You are an AWESOME person, supportive and empathetic in spite of your own pain. You aren't alone in feeling like you are "weird." I have always felt like I stick out like a sore thumb...and that ppl see weirdness when they look at me. But, there are a LOT of ppl that are a LOT weirder that we will ever be...guaranteed!

Perhaps you can start trying to visualize us, as your "PTSD army guard" standing on the other side of the door, blocking every access point so that you can feel safer? Just a random thought...

I hope your recovery is going well!!! (((hugs))) if ok....

 

[bellbird]

Another thing that works for me: choose someone safe, and every time you go to the toilet, imagine seeing them outside and keeping things safe and calm. Dissociative people have a lot of imagination, and it's okay to use that to our advantage!

Ohh, I like this idea!! I will try this.

I fear my dad is about to kick down the door. In fact, the door is still splintered from other times he’s done that.

Oh @littleoc . This is one of those moments that it's nice to feel not alone, but where I also wish it hadn't happened to anyone else. I'm so sorry you had to experience that :hug:

Sometimes just talking about it to someone has been helpful :)

Yeah, absolutely :)

I am not a big fan of the dysfunctionality that ensues when traumatic experiences bleeds into normal everyday situations.

Me neither. Like it was enough for us to have lived through it in the first place, and now we have to go through this as well. Ughjjhhhhhsv.

Sorry I have no advice or words of comfort. Just wanted to let you know that you are not alone.

Thank you for validating my experience and for being compassionate, that brings me a great comfort.

Would it help you feel less threatened if the door was unlocked (but still closed).

Here at my parents' house, we actually don't lock the bathroom door; door closed = don't come in, so it seems to be irrespective of the lock. Just being in the bathroom and sitting on the toilet, it seems. No actually, sitting on the ground in the bathroom (if I've been panicking), does it too. Because I'd sit on the ground in the toilet room when I was hiding from him, too.

You are NOT weird...unless I can be weird with you? You are an AWESOME person, supportive and empathetic in spite of your own pain.

Ohh, teary. Thank you @AngelkeeperJ .
I would love to be weird with you ;) :hug:

You aren't alone in feeling like you are "weird." I have always felt like I stick out like a sore thumb...and that ppl see weirdness when they look at me. But, there are a LOT of ppl that are a LOT weirder that we will ever be...guaranteed!

True.

Perhaps you can start trying to visualize us, as your "PTSD army guard" standing on the other side of the door, blocking every access point so that you can feel safer?

Yes, I quite like this idea.

Love that -- PTSD army guard :)
I did picture you guys pacing the hospital corridors waiting for me when I went in for surgery. I suppose y'all can make the trip to the hallway outside my bathroom now :laugh:


I think I will add this to my toolbox along with telling myself outloud that I'm ok.

I hope your recovery is going well!!! (((hugs))) if ok....

Thank you, it is chugging along so far :)
And hugs graciously accepted :hug:

 

[Freida]

yep. There is someone on the other side of every closed door waiting to shoot me. I know that like I know my own name, and the argument that it hasn't happened yet don't work. Neither does the argument that it's a distortion.
One of SDs duties is to go thru the door first and warn me and when we taught him that I cried because that meant HE would get shot first. Guru finally got me to understand that he's a lower target so gunman wouldn't see him. Mine would be going for a head shot. All the therapy I've had and I still can't shake it. So T says to just accept it as a fear and hope that by the end I will be able to let it go.

In the meantime, feel free to borrow SD cause he is really good at making sure no one comes thru the door unless I ok it. :hug:

 

[bellbird]

I know that like I know my own name, and the argument that it hasn't happened yet don't work. Neither does the argument that it's a distortion.

Yep, I understand.

One of SDs duties is to go thru the door first and warn me and when we taught him that I cried because that meant HE would get shot first.

Ohh gosh, my heart goes out to you in that moment.

Guru finally got me to understand that he's a lower target so gunman wouldn't see him. Mine would be going for a head shot.

It is very good logic, love that Guru brought that up.

All the therapy I've had and I still can't shake it. So T says to just accept it as a fear and hope that by the end I will be able to let it go.

:hug::hug:

In the meantime, feel free to borrow SD cause he is really good at making sure no one comes thru the door unless I ok it. :hug:

Ohhh, @Freida . This has got me very teary. Thank you. He will make a wonderful addition to my PTSD army guard.

 

[Friday]

d because that meant HE would get shot first. Guru finally got me to understand that he's a lower target so gunman wouldn't see him. Mine would be going for a head shot.

Funnily enough... I was just thinking about this today (not being where people are aiming)...

I met one of my favorite boyfriends because he dropped his towel as he stepped outside of his hotel room to grab the paper. So *I* dropped to crouching look around the corner, all clear, bounced back up / no fuss no muss and was about to go on my way, but this bloke had this stunned / shit eating grin on his face.

“A man drops his towel in front of you and your first thought is it’s a distraction for whomever is about to come around the corner??? Oh I LIKE you.” :sneaky:

I ended up liking him, too.

 

[Freida]

“A man drops his towel in front of you and your first thought is it’s a distraction for whomever is about to come around the corner??? Oh I LIKE you.” :sneaky:

That is awesome!!!!

 

[Friday]

@bellbird I’ve been meaning to respond to this for long enough I’ve lost a couple different drafts now, because it hits a little too close to home with stuff about my kid, and I keep stepping away. The bathroom was his safe place to run to while I dealt with his father.

The short version is:

In order for the bathroom to be a safe place? There has to be danger outside of it.

For a moment of levity? It drives my parents absolutely craaaaaaazy that my kid & I never shut the door :p Well. Rarely. I don’t tell them that they should take that as a compliment (hey, we’re comfortable enough with you to do what feels right, rather than obeying societal standards at the cost of our peace of mind), because they wouldn’t get it... but it’s true. Seriously. It drives my mom so nuts she tried to shut the door on my oxygen tube in the hospital. Just because she was all “Friday! Shut. The. Damn. Door.’ :banghead: ... :hilarious: It caused a bit of a scene.

Door open? Life’s good.
Door closed? Beeeeware. Hell’s coming.

 

[RobU66]

Funnily enough... I was just thinking about this today (not being where people are aiming)...

I met one of my favorite boyfriends because he dropped his towel as he stepped outside of his hotel room to grab the paper. So *I* dropped to crouching look around the corner, all clear, bounced back up / no fuss no muss and was about to go on my way, but this bloke had this stunned / shit eating grin on his face.

“A man drops his towel in front of you and your first thought is it’s a distraction for whomever is about to come around the corner??? Oh I LIKE you.” :sneaky:

I ended up liking him, too.

The old ‘oops sorry I’ve dropped my towel’.... that made me ROFL ? ??