Relationship Isolation and my bf

[EveHarrington]

Maybe stick with road trips for now?

Flying is stressful as HELL!

I need at least 2 days to recuperate from flying, zero days for driving.

(No I don’t have a flying phobia.)

 

[Orchid1818]

I would have done anything that makes it easier. But he needs to communicate what works for him and what doesn't.

But yes foing fwd road trips.

@EveHarrington if you don't mind me asking what stresses you out about flying?

 

[EveHarrington]

@EveHarrington if you don't mind me asking what stresses you out about flying?

The whole process.

Drive to airport. Leave enough time for traffic, parking, catching the bus that only runs every half hour if I arrive before 5am, etc.

Checking in & getting through security. Again, leaving enough time so I don’t miss my plane. Hope my bag isn’t pulled aside for inspection. (More stress!)

(The day is already long at this point and I’m not even to the gate of my first flight!)

Ok, so usually I have at least 2 hours before I board, because I was smart and built in enough time.

THE TERMINAL IS OVERSTIMULATING!

Catch first flight. Pray I’m not seated next to a stressful person.

Back into terminal to catch next flight.

MORE OVERSTIMULATION!

Catch second flight. Pray again I’m seated next to someone normal.

Land. Pray my luggage arrived. No clothes=meltdown because of my sensory issues. Carry-on has stuff just to get me through the flight, no room for all the clothes I need for my trip.

At this point I’ve used enough spoons for 2-3 days. Weekend jaunts are out of the question. I need vacations via airplane to be one week minimum.

I’m lucky I love to fly. There’s something magical about looking out the window and seeing the earth from above.

Ohhhhhh.

And this is only when things go well!

I’ve had flights during ice storms, during snow storms. Even THINKING about a cancelled flight freaks me out. Especially when you realize that your flight leaving depends heavily on crew flying time. New crew? You can get out! Crew came in from somewhere else? Sorry, you’re SOL if there’s a delay.

There’s more, but I think you get the idea.

 

[LuckiLee]

My guy wouldn't handle being trapped in a confined space with a bunch of strangers. Danger. Danger. Danger.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

The whole process.

Drive to airport. Leave enough time for traffic, parking, catching the bus that only runs every half hour if I arrive before 5am, etc.

Checking in & getting through security. Again, leaving enough time so I don’t miss my plane. Hope my bag isn’t pulled aside for inspection. (More stress!)

(The day is already long at this point and I’m not even to the gate of my first flight!)

Ok, so usually I have at least 2 hours before I board, because I was smart and built in enough time.

THE TERMINAL IS OVERSTIMULATING!

Catch first flight. Pray I’m not seated next to a stressful person.

Back into terminal to catch next flight.

MORE OVERSTIMULATION!

Catch second flight. Pray again I’m seated next to someone normal.

Land. Pray my luggage arrived. No clothes=meltdown because of my sensory issues. Carry-on has stuff just to get me through the flight, no room for all the clothes I need for my trip.

At this point I’ve used enough spoons for 2-3 days. Weekend jaunts are out of the question. I need vacations via airplane to be one week minimum.

Sitting close to strangers in a tiny vessel! Even with a service dog it's a no from me! Flying has got to be the most stressful thing ever!

One thing. I think you are confused and mis read something. My anxiety attack happened well over a month a go, totally separate from this whole ordeal. So the two don't have anything to do with each other

This doesn't matter. It happened in front of him, anxiety triggers anxiety. PTSD comes with a boatload of anxiety. It's safe to assume yours triggered his. It happened before his isolation and before your vacation. I'm just trying to fit pieces in for you. My anxiety can be triggered months ago, over something unrelated and I can be isolating because of it today. My point is, if you want him to go somewhere, drain the stress from it. Or you will just be spinning your wheels. His anxiety most likely caused his isolation and all of it, including the stress from all of the vacation stuff and traveling, is most likely why he didn't go.

 

[Orchid1818]

Its thunderstorming all day, every single day we were suppose to be there, we wouldn't of had one beach day. Lol. See not meant to be!

 

[Freida]

Those travel insurance people suck! sigh
I'm sorry you got stuck with the bills -- but happy it was stormy :laugh:

 

[Hojay]

My point is, if you want him to go somewhere, drain the stress from it.

Cherry picking what I’m responding to here, obvz. But I’d amend the above to say, if you want him to go somewhere, hope that he is far along enough in his recovery to know what he can and cannot deal with and communicate it as such. It’s not your job to intuit what may be stressful to him and try and minimize it. That’s his job. It’s also his job to understand his own reaction to your anxiety, communicate it, and take measures to deal with it while not laying the blame on you. If none of those things are possible, you’re fighting windmills.

 

[Freida]

It’s also his job to understand his own reaction to your anxiety, communicate it, and take measures to deal with it while not laying the blame on you. If none of those things are possible, you’re fighting windmills.

yep.
but.
It is really hard for me sometimes to not blame hubby for how I'm feeling. REALLY hard. We are at a point now where he will point it out and we can discuss it -- but not until I've gotten calmed down. So ya, I guess that means sometimes he has to be the bad guy even when he doesn't deserve it. Why? Beats me. It just kinda happens that way. And yea.... I have to admit... on the rare occassions he gets anxious or upset I go straight to blaming him for letting me see he stressed which stress me out.

I always feel like crap afterwards because I know it's not fair. So then the pendulum will swing the other way and I just won't talk to him at all. Which again - makes him the bad guy. It's something I'm working on in therapy but to be honest it's pretty low on the food chain. I have to get my monsters out of my own head before I can think about how I'm dealing with others.
I think he lets me get away with it because I'm actively working on fixing the problem. If I wasn't in therapy I'm guessing he would be long gone by now.

 

[Sweetpea76]

I think he lets me get away with it because I'm actively working on fixing the problem.

This.

This is what makes the big difference. It is the difference between accepting your fate as a doormat and letting some occasional lapses roll off your back.

I get that I’m gonna be the designated asshole at times, but I wouldn’t want to be it ALL the time for the rest of my life.

 

[Orchid1818]

I'm in therapy for my GAD, using the EMDR technique. I personally really like it. Its amazing to me how it works, and would recommend it to anyone. Even those with out ptsd or anxiety, I feel could benefit from therapy. Going to me is not a weakness. Its practicing good health. He is not in therapy, and doesn't want to take drugs for his panic attacks. I think he used to do therapy, long time ago. Lately he has stopped discussing if he is having many attacks or nightmares. He seemed to regret telling me about it in the first place. He is a stubborn prideful Marine. He refuses to discuss such topics. I don't get it. I take my medication if I need it. I go to therapy, I pray and meditate, use cbd oil, he got me into working out which helps. He works out. Luckily he isn't a drinker, or anything. I can't force anyone to do anything for themselves. I just work on myself.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Therapy is everything. 10 yrs and still go weekly. Untreated PTSD is a bitch. I was forced into therapy. Just broke my back. Living with my dad. Couldnt work. And he basically said go to therapy or get the f*ck out of my house. I went to therapy. But, I knew deep inside I needed help and exploding every 10 seconds because someone asked if it was raining really wasn't normal. But, I'd never admit that at the time. Pride was a big thing. I suppose it maybe more for a Marine. Being in control, I imagine, is big for the military. It's hard to admit that you don't have it all under control. But necessary. I'm not suggesting that you give him that sort of ultimatum @Orchid1818, but maybe think about where your boundries are in this relationship. Boundries are about what you will and won't put up with in a relationship and it's so huge for a sufferer too. So, will you put up with untreated PTSD in your life or not? Up to you. Let me be clear that a boundry isn't an ultimatum but it is saying what you will and won't put up with. Boundries are necessary for any relationship but very huge in a PTSD relationship.

I'd personally try to mention therapy and see how it goes. Or maybe mention support like say, something like a forum and see how that goes. But perosnally, I don't know if your boundries are clear to you. Just an observation though. Could be totally off the mark on that.