Relationship Isolation and my bf

[Orchid1818]

I think he needs more time with his Marine buddies. There is a brotherhood/sisterhood there I can't give him, although I wish I could. As far as giving ultimatums like "go to therapy", I'm not going to do that. He is a grown man who fought in a war and did things and made decisions I never could. He has survived more then me, and seen more in life. He knows what needs to be done in his life. If he chooses to ever go I will support, but as I said I can only work on myself. He needs come to his own decisions.

 

[Freida]

I don't think it's an ultimatum that you give --- I think it's about letting him know what YOUR boundaries are. PTSD doesn't give someone the right to be an abusive asshat, so it is entirely acceptable to say "I won't tolerate (insert behavior here)"

 

[Orchid1818]

He never has yelled or been mean. Just isolates. Yes I would like more communication to happen. That would be my boundary. Can't just bail on me and not talk.

 

[Orchid1818]

Not allowed to just disappear and leave me to stress and worry. Relationships take work and even if its hard people can't just run.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

so it is entirely acceptable to say "I won't tolerate (insert behavior here)"

Exactly! Saying "go to therapy or get the f*ck out of my house" was my dad's way. But what he was saying, was I'm living in his house, eating his food, wiping my ass with his toliet paper and I don't get to act like an asshat in it. That just so happened to be the push I personally needed at the time. I had fallen on my ass (quite literally) and couldn't pay my own way and needed his help. It absolutely doesn't need to look that way but every single human being has a right to say "I will not tolerate XYZ". It is not healthy not to, to be honest. Or, you are a doormat, basically.

PTSD is a f*cked up mental disablity but it absolutely can pave the way to abuse others. Which is part of the reason we isolate.

Can't just bail on me and not talk.

That's a start. Or maybe "if you need space, I'll give it but you need to send me "I'm ok" texts every X amount of days. I mean, communication looks like many things. Many things which we struggle with. But, I said this in another thread, if I'm going to be in a relationship, I need to do that much. The send "I'm ok text". A couples therapist can help teach you all how to communicate properly. But, that can be rough, personally. Text, for me, is easier. But you gotta start setting some boundries or you give him free reign to walk all over you.

 

[Orchid1818]

@lostforgottensoul, that is true. I like the "ill give you space but send a text every "x" amount of days" that would help me a lot.

 

[LuckiLee]

If he is diagnosed with ptsd shouldn't he be taking it seriously? Because like @lostforgottensoul said " ptsd is a f*cked up mental disability" and it can impact everyone involved. I've witnessed first hand how ugly and painful it can be. Remember, 22 a day!!

My guy had a reeeeeaaalllly hard time coming home. It took him 15 years to take it seriously. Now. After 6 years of therapy. It's still hard as hell!!

I hope your guy reaches out to something or someone to start healing. He deserves it.

In the meantime. Boundaries.
Good luck!

 

[Orchid1818]

Well the airlines refunded all my miles as a courtesy. Probably because I told them they need to have more compassion for mental health and other peoples limitations, and to show more compassion for others. Lol

 

[EveHarrington]

It is ok to say “I can’t be in a relationship with someone who has an untreated mental illness.”

 

[LuckiLee]

What I meant was shouldn't he address it if he intends to be in a relationship? He doesn't have to. Obviously. But how can a relationship develop if the other partner isn't "in the loop"?

All the effort to make it work ends up on the S/O. That's a whole lotta eggshells to try to avoid if you have no clue where they are.

(Just some random thoughs)

 

[anon1234]

I don't think it's an ultimatum that you give --- I think it's about letting him know what YOUR boundaries are

This here. It was once hinted I should do this, I didn’t figure it out until much later though. Possibly too late now I’m in my current situation. It’s super important and it really helps both parties.

 

[Justmehere]

@Orchid1818 - Maybe in the future consider inviting a friend to go hang at the beach with you for a weekend.

@lostforgottensoul - I talk to my supporters and romantic partners fairly early on about my symptoms. Later on in the relationship, that may or may not mean mentioning brief statements about type of trauma, when it happened, the basics. No, they don’t need to know all the details but if I’m in a relationship with a PTSD sufferer, communication about symptoms and how we navigate the impact of them on the relationship helps the supporter considerably.

I think sufferers need to be careful to not be too appalled that supporters struggle too. I personally couldn’t sustain a relationship with someone who needed to isolate for a month quite often.

I feel pretty good today. Whatever is going on, I know I did everything I could to make things chill. I was patient, kind and understanding. There was no yelling screaming or blaming for the lost trip, or prior to. So at this point I handled it better then someone with out anxiety. I'm actually pretty proud of myself. It is what it is at this point. Thanks All! Its sunny here today, going to get out and enjoy the sun.

Well done! Kudos to you! I’m glad you are proud because this takes class, courage and composure.

Having Anxiety disorder is not a valid health issue to them. Jerks.

UGH.