Relationship Isolation and my bf

[lostforgottensoul]

Wow, what a lot of stress on him. It's no wonder he didn't go. A robotic voice is a dead giveaway that it's bad. When it's bad, I can only get out a word or two of an entire sentence. Even typing in here (which is way easier for me then speaking outloud) I do the same. He forced himself to talk to you in the real bad time and that speaks to how much he wanted to talk to you.

Calming your own anxiety or just going away and melting down elsewhere that's not in his presence is so important. If you melt down about the trip (which is already likely causing a f*ck load of stress on him all by itself) what do you think it's going to do for him? Sufferers cannot force yourselves to go somewhere, epsecially if that somewhere stress is involved, in our bad times. We may not even make it to normal day activities like work.

And lastly, his buddies, random strangers are less stress. He avoids you because you bring the most stress. It's just how a relationship works. The SO of a relationship is also the one that brings the most stress. Automatically without you doing anything wrong or not doing something right. You can do everything right and still be the one that brings the most stress. In the bad times, we flee from said stress and saftey is the only things on our minds. Thus, we flee from our SO or the person that brings the most stress but we as humans aren't meant to be alone so we crave human contact therefore we hang out at buddies houses and sleep on random stranger's couches all while avoiding you, our SO. It sucks but it's easier to think of it as stress and not necessarly love or caring. I flee from those I love and care about the most and hang out with those I could careless about. Both because of stress and because I want to spare those I love and care about from the darkness of PTSD. Which gets super bad. He knows you already have anxiety. Why would he want to put that on you too? Edited to add: Which, by the way, is also stress.

 

[OrangeJulius]

I don't know why he won't address the elephant in the room and just come and talk to me.

@Freida has a great perspective on this as usual.

From the supporter perspective, in my 5-7 years of experience this doesn't change. Its hard to conceptualize as a supporter but if you spend more time on here and see what sufferers say it starts to make sense when you really put yourself in their shoes.

Keep in mind that the sufferers on this website do all the same things your boyfriend does.....including not address the elephant in the room. They speak so eloquently about their PTSD experiences on here, but that absolutely does not mean that their significant others have heard any of it. Their significant others are getting the robotic responses (if any responses). They are missing the vacations, they are not necessarily telling their SO's "hey this is hard for me". They are coming on here to anonymous people that they don't care about and telling us instead because we are safe and can't hurt them and have zero expectations.

The sufferers here are also in therapy for the most part (at least the ones that hang out on the supporters side) and have actually practiced talking about their demons. Though, even that doesn't necessarily translate into their SO's hearing about any of it.

The more you hang out here the more you'll see supporters sharing a tiny phrase or action and sufferers going "oh yeah that makes perfect sense" and then the sufferers talking about whatever is on their minds and the supporters going "TELL YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER".

All this to say, the elephant in the room is difficult to address. And may never be addressed. And because your 2 brains work completely differently the differences in your perspectives on what's going on is laughable almost. He probably thinks your mad and upset with him for missing it when at this point you're probably just worried about him and disappointed about the trip being collateral. Prepare for the possibility that he just reemerges like nothing happened. From my personal experience and posts on here, that happens a lot.

 

[Orchid1818]

I'm mad at myself for not going, loosing my miles, loosing my flight money. I could have gone but I was so upset last night I didn't want to go anywhere. And now im stuck in this crappy state with grey dreary skies and I blame myself for not just going. He lost out on a couple hundred dollars. The airlines were jerks about everything. I had 3 clients ask me to work this week and I lost out on those jobs. He makes way more money then me so its no skin off his back to loose the cost of a cheap flight. I honestly believed he would pull thru last min.

I was at peace last night when i realized he wasn't going. But since dealing with the airlines and crappy weather. I'm just depressed. Talking to the airlines made everything way worse. They are the least compassionate people.

I just feel like we loose so much time to be together because he isolates for three weeks. And I know he will avoid me this week. Which will make it a month. Thank you for all the insight. It helps.

I don't understand how he supposedly went to Mexico on vaca with friends last year, but this he ran away from.

 

[Orchid1818]

What's done is done. I'm not going to fault him for having mental health issues. I will just give him love and understanding. I want him to feel better and be at peace. I am grateful for all the insight you have given me.

@Freida is that why he also said he messaged that he hoped I went on vacation anyways.

 

[Freida]

g. I flee from those I love and care about the most and hang out with those I could careless about. Both because of stress and because I want to spare those I love and care about from the darkness of PTSD. Which gets super bad. He knows you already have anxiety. Why would he want to put that on you too? Edited to add: Which, by the wa

This!!!

m. They speak so eloquently about their PTSD experiences on here, but that absolutely does not mean that their significant others have heard any of it. Their significant others are getting the robotic responses (if any responses).

And this!! So very very true

They are coming on here to anonymous people that they don't care about and telling us instead because we are safe and can't hurt them and have zero expectations.

Yep

pare for the possibility that he just reemerges like nothing happened. F

I
Yep. I'm not sure if you have seen it but I started this thread a while back and lots of and sufferers have weighed in. It might help??
What are they thinking?

@Freida is that why he also said he messaged that he hoped I went on vacation anyways.

That's what I would have done. And honestly it makes perfect sense to me for him to say that. I mean, why ruin both vacations? The idea that you were worried may have never crossed his mind. All he may be thinking is "well crap. I'm down the rabbit hole...hope she goes even if I cant"

I had NO idea what an impact I was having on my supporters till I came here. It all makes sense to me....I go away bad..I come back better. Nuff said. Then I started reading about it from your side and damn. My attempt to fix things wasn't working at all like I thought it was

 

[Orchid1818]

he wont talk and feels unsure about us..... Yes I'm out money etc but I'm content with my decision of not going. It was the best decision for me.

@Freida it helps to know what sufferers go thru as well.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

The sufferers here are also in therapy for the most part (at least the ones that hang out on the supporters side) and have actually practiced talking about their demons. Though, even that doesn't necessarily translate into their SO's hearing about any of it.

I don't have an SO but if I did, they still wouldn't hear my demons. Why? Because the dark parts of trauma aren't for supporters to know and I did learn that the hard way. People really don't want to hear about these dark things. They think they do but in reality, they can't handle it and end up packing their shit and leaving because they can't deal. If my SO had anxiety to boot, I sure as hell wouldn't add my darkness onto that!

And this translates to the supporter side of the forum. I talk about my trauma on the sufferer side but over here I don't for the most part unless it's to illustrate a point. Over here I talk more about why a sufferer does or says a certian something and what could be going on with them or through their minds to help a supporter understand. But their sufferer talking to them about it usually isn't an expectation I set because it's not for supporters to know.

I just feel like we loose so much time to be together because he isolates for three weeks. And I know he will avoid me this week. Which will make it a month.

I don't know how long you have been in a PTSD relationship but isolation is pretty normal for a PTSD sufferer so you will need to ask yourself if you can deal with that. Not all can so no shame if you can't.

he supposedly went to Mexico on vaca with friends last year, but this he ran away from.

Because this was packed full of stress right from the start all the way to the end. Mexico with friends wasn't. Remember, stress = fleeing to saftey. Also you already have anxiety and he knows that which will make him most likely isolate from you more to not add to your existing anxiety.

he messaged that he hoped I went on vacation anyways.

Probably feels as guilty as hell for not being able to go and wants you to enjoy yourself.

he wont talk and feels unsure about us.

I would feel unsure about an SO with anxiety issues personally. Not that you can help having anxiety but anxiety snowballs with two people. I experienced this at work yesterday. The customer's anxiety triggered my own and snowballed it until several sups were standing over me. Yep, bad. This is why some advised orginally that if you are going to break down, don't do it in front of him. A therapist for yourself maybe a good idea if you don't already have one. My therapist taught me how to feel the amxiety before an explotion and it would give me at least a few seconds to get away from what was triggering it. Not that it helped at work yesterday but the skill maybe slipping as well.

But, my overall advise is that if you want the best chances of him going, drain all stress from it. No expectations. No big deal. Go of you want, don't of you don't. My parents really wanted me to come to their house for Christmas. My step mom said no biggie. No presents. Food already there. Just a quiet evening. No one else there. I still had to call to ensure no one else would be there. Even their dog (I have a service dog that would come with me) wasn't aggressive (though in reality he was) and was a sweetheart (though in reality he wasn't). It's ok if you can't come but we'd love to have you if you can. They have learned that if they expect for me to go I won't and if they add even the smallest amount of stress (say the need to have a small present or the smallest amount of food) I won't go. If they told me their dog was even the slightest aggressive or bity or whatever, I won't go. If another would of been there, I won't go.

I don't know if you have given the PTSD stress cup a look but it is the perfect illustration of this. If you cause, even accidently, a bunch of stress he is likely to flee from it and that is even more of a possibility with having anxiety yourself. A therapist can help you with anxiety + a PTSD relationship as that isna whole other monster if that makes any sense.

 

[Orchid1818]

@lostforgottensoul Thank you for all the insight. I will take a look at the ptsd cup

One thing. I think you are confused and mis read something. My anxiety attack happened well over a month a go, totally separate from this whole ordeal. So the two don't have anything to do with each other. I didn't force him to buy this ticket He was just as excited to go when we discussed it. I didn't force him to even go. So there was no force here. He made these decisions. I weighed my options with all that transpired and I chose not to go. Because that was right for me. I deal with my anxiety I have learned over the years how to manage it. And what I've learned, ptsd or anxiety, one can not keep running from their problems, because it will always come back to you. Staring you in the face.
I feel pretty good today. Whatever is going on, I know I did everything I could to make things chill. I was patient, kind and understanding. There was no yelling screaming or blaming for the lost trip, or prior to. So at this point I handled it better then someone with out anxiety. I'm actually pretty proud of myself. It is what it is at this point. Thanks All! Its sunny here today, going to get out and enjoy the sun.

 

[Freida]

I don't know how long you have been in a PTSD relationship but isolation is pretty normal for a PTSD sufferer so you will need to ask yourself if you can deal with that. Not all can so no shame if you can't.

This is huge. You can't save him. I think sometimes supporters believe if they can just love us enough it will help - and they have no idea that it may actually be exactly the opposite. Because love requires letting down barriers. And that's not safe. So the question becomes -- can you handle being in a relationship with him if it is always going to be like this. Unanswered questions, isolation, moody behavior -- all the fun filled life with ptsd. Now think - -- this may never change. It may lessen/worsen but it will probably always be there. So how will you cope?

When I read the supporter side the ones who seem to be most successful are those who have lives outisde of the sufferer. Proablby because it takes the pressure off of both parties. There is no shame in bailing -- these relationships are tough and there is no rule book. It's all practice. But if you decide to stay you need to advocate for yourself. Therapy about boundaries is a great place to start.

It's ok if you can't come but we'd love to have you if you can.

This ^^^^ is the most loving thing my supporters can say to me.....

 

[Orchid1818]

I agree @Freida there is no shame in bailing. Everything happens for a reason. Now if only I can get him to believe that statement.

And to add to that. I've learned so much from all of you and from him and from this situation and how to move forward. None of which I would have learned if this didn't transpire. This was the first time we planned a vaca. So I'm learning, but now I know what to do different. How to make it work and what it requires and to always pay more for refundable tickets lol.

 

[Freida]

Travel insurance is your friend! :laugh: :hug:

 

[Orchid1818]

I got travel Insurance, they told me my reasons were not valid and the policy doesn't cover it. It would have to be a serious medical issue in order to be refunded. Having Anxiety disorder is not a valid health issue to them. Jerks.