Relationship Dating a veteran with ptsd, UPDATE: finally was ghosted

[Jamie88]

So I have been seeing a former marine since last year of November 2018. Sadly he ghosted me because I confronted him about seeing other woman. I sent a long paragraph because we were seeing each other for about a month and I wanted to make it clear I wasn’t a joke. When I did he ghosted me. So I was devastated but I moved on fast forward 3 months later he reappeared and apologized to me. He was remorseful and honest he said I ghosted you because I was in a bad spot I said I completely understand so I waited two weeks to speak to him again. We started dating again in February of this year for another month. He recently landed a job as a drag racing mechanic and he went to Vegas we saw each other and everything went well he also let me know when he got back. I went to his house for two days in a row and he was completely exhausted, quiet, he wouldn’t speak to me and was wearing the same pajamas for two days straight. He drank beers and smoked his pot and fall asleep twice on the couch. Mind you he did admit to me that he went to Iraq 9 years ago but things aren’t adding up. He all of a sudden came back from his trip depressed and quiet now he’s barely even speaking to me.

 

[EveHarrington]

Can you explain what isn’t adding up?

 

[Jamie88]

Can you explain what isn’t adding up?

I’m sorry I’m dating a veteran who isn’t vocal he was in the marines 9 years ago but I can tell he has ptsd he won’t open up to me and admit it. We were seeing each other almost every day he rarely answers my text and recently he has gotten so depressed very quiet and withdrawn. I just need advice

I went to go see him on Sunday and Monday and he was still wearing the same pajamas drinking and fall asleep on his couch. Very quiet won’t say a word

 

[OrangeJulius]

What are you looking for from us?

It sounds like you don't know if he has PTSD or not?

 

[Hojay]

This guy isn’t behaving in line with what a mutual relationship would require. It sounds like you’re falling into the trap of focusing on “why” he’s behaving this way, rather than whether or not all of the above is acceptable to you regardless of what he’s going through. Is this acceptable to you? If so, would it be acceptable to you because you would be hoping he can change? Often we’re trying to find answers because we hope they will help us gain some control over the situation. That’s human. But for a relationship to work, you need two people. Stop focusing on why he’s acting this way, and start focusing on what you’re truly looking for in a relationship. It’s not your responsibility to help him, nor is it up to you to turn him into the person you want him and need him to be. That game will always be rigged against you.

Plus, and this is my own biased opinion, if someone’s cheated and lied once—as he did the first time around—they won’t miraculously turn into a shining example of integrity and honesty out of the blue. I’m not sure I’d trust the guy.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Even if he has PTSD, it doesn’t cause somebody to cheat... don’t fall for that line. A lot of supporters do.

 

[EveHarrington]

Sadly he ghosted me because I confronted him about seeing other woman.

It’s not clear that he was cheating.

Were you two only dating? Or were you in a committed relationship? Dating someone doesn’t mean exclusivity and exclusivity should never be assumed. Did you have a conversation about only seeing each other and he was seeing other women? Or did you fly off the handle because you thought you were the only one but you weren’t, even though you never talked about just seeing each other and no one else?

(With what you’ve written it’s impossible to tell if he actually cheated.)

I can tell he has ptsd he won’t open up to me and admit it.

HE may not know he has PTSD.

YOU can’t determine if he has PTSD.

 

[Jamie88]

It’s not clear that he was cheating.

Were you two only dating? Or were you in a committed relationship? Dating someone doesn’t mean exclusivity and exclusivity should never be assumed. Did you have a conversation about only seeing each other and he was seeing other women? Or did you fly off the handle because you thought you were the only one but you weren’t, even though you never talked about just seeing each other and no one else?

(With what you’ve written it’s impossible to tell if he actually cheated.)



HE may not know he has PTSD.

YOU can’t determine if he has PTSD.

I’m sorry I’m not wording things correctly but he did mention once he has ptsd and hasn’t open up about it he’s very closed off and quiet. No we arent in a relationship but we were just dating recently for almost 1 month I was willing to give him another chance but he has fallen back to not speaking to me I recently went to go see him this Monday and he was completely quiet strange and withdrawn. He is sick and he is depressed I have been in the medical field and I see things everyday but I’ve never dated a former veteran and it is very difficult for me to understand where he is coming from because once again he’s stepped back we have had no arguments we give each other space because we are just dating. I’ve seen enough of him to decide whether or not he is sick. But I’ve read a couple of posts here stating that veterans do withdraw at times and won’t speak to you.

 

[EveHarrington]

If he said he has PTSD once, why does he need to admit it again?

You’re at the very beginning of things with him, so why do you think he should open up to you about it at this point? Relationships, all relationships, are built up over time. It’s going to take time for him to open up to you.

You could be putting pressure on him to talk about what could very well be the very worst thing that has ever happened to him.....And the effects of this/these event(s), something that he may relive every day, possibly multiple times a day....

It is very common for sufferers to withdraw. Sometimes we just need space in order to cope.

Do you know if he’s in any kind of treatment? He needs to seek help for himself, when he wants it. You could approach him in an “I’m worried about you” kind of way, but know it may spook him again. I’m not saying this so that you should avoid voicing your concerns, rather so you may know the possible outcome. I am of the belief that when someone in my life isn’t doing well and may need help, it’s always best to offer my assistance and sometimes give tough love, because their well being is more important than the relationship itself.

 

[Jamie88]

If he said he has PTSD once, why does he need to admit it again?

You’re at the very beginning of things with him, so why do you think he should open up to you about it at this point? Relationships, all relationships, are built up over time. It’s going to take time for him to open up to you.

You could be putting pressure on him to talk about what could very well be the very worst thing that has ever happened to him.....And the effects of this/these event(s), something that he may relive every day, possibly multiple times a day....

It is very common for sufferers to withdraw. Sometimes we just need space in order to cope.

Do you know if he’s in any kind of treatment? He needs to seek help for himself, when he wants it. You could approach him in an “I’m worried about you” kind of way, but know it may spook him again. I’m not saying this so that you should avoid voicing your concerns, rather so you may know the possible outcome. I am of the belief that when someone in my life isn’t doing well and may need help, it’s always best to offer my assistance and sometimes give tough love, because their well being is more important than the relationship itself.

I completely understand and I haven’t been doing any pushing or asking him any personal questions I just wanted to express how I wish he could be more open about it but I understand that he needs his space yesterday he finally replied to my message saying I’m ok today how are you? I replied I’m doing good I said I hope you’re feeling better if you need anything I’m a phone call away I’m always here. I learned that with him he’s a very simple guy no long messages and no calling him constantly just short and sweet. I just simply need advice because I’ve never dealt with something or someone like this and I’m a very strong person but it’s better to get advice from people who actually have to live it and deal with it so I can understand where he’s coming from.

 

[OrangeJulius]

I just simply need advice

What do you want advice about?

 

[Jamie88]

Last year I started to date a former marine he did ghost me because I confronted him about his intentions with me and he didn't want to be honest so he disappeared. fast forward he came back February 19 of this year he was apologetic and I forgave him he said he was truly sorry about disappearing for over 3 months. We started to talk and he seemed to want to prove himself constantly about him being honest and he did follow through we did hit a lot of bumps in the road. Recently he took a trip to vegas for work and became very distant. I messaged him everyday asking him how he was and he always responded and he was obviously busy. When he came back he completely distanced himself from me I send him a txt asking him why he was so distant if he no longer wanted to speak to me to please be honest and let me know silence no response from him. I couldn't even get a simple answer from him third time he has done this. Is their something missing?

Mod edit: Merged from thread "Finally was ghosted by former veteran"