Dom Violence The Double Standard Of Men In DV

[Friday]

The way that people react to victims of domestic violence drives me a little insane.

Female - You poor thing! It’s not your fault! You’re so brave! You can do this!
Male - I don’t believe you. Why do you let this happen? You’re disgusting. Why haven’t you left yet?

Same exact story, with reversed pronouns, gets polar opposite responses from people.

Personally? Having lived in DV... I think both extremes are bullshit.

Your thoughts?

 

[hithere]

This topic makes me literally effing mad. Men are treated like total shit in intimate partner violence cases. They are not believed. There was a movie made with Peter Straus called Men Don't Tell in the 90's. I had read the movie was only shown once and then "put in the vault" because of the outcry from women's groups. I don't know if it's true or not, but I couldn't find it for a long time. I finally found it again. It's an important movie.

I would like to respond it involves my story and I haven't gotten to the point to really deal with it or own it-- if a man is murdered by his intimate partner and it was a woman, then people say "oh he must have cheated on her," or "he must have been wicked"--when the truth is many men can't even defend themselves or they are the ones arrested. This double standard totally pisses me off.

 

[somerandomguy]

As a male survivor of domestic violence, I didn't even know I was going through it while I was going through it. And I think that's more usual than not.

At the time I was being abused, the official line was that men could not be the victim in a DV situation. A lot of DV advocates, workers, and researchers still believe it, some for political reasons (there's barely enough money available for female victims, and so is jealousy guarded against any male victim encroachment). There are researchers that currently earn their living trying to prove that the NISVS doesn't say what it actually says, which is that male and female DV rates in the USA are now roughly equal.

I've written a million words on this topic here at these boards. I have personally been trying for a year to get the NCDSV to take down old, outdated articles from their resource clearinghouse (listed under Male Victims, no less) that conclude that either 1. male DV victims do not exist, and men that claim to be are always the true abusers in any DV relationship and 2. maybe there are a few male DV victims, but the fact that males injure and kill their partners more often than women is enough reason to completely ignore and deny resources to male victims. But this was the official line until just about ten years ago.

The tide is changing somewhat as more men come out as actual victims. I believe that now most people do understand that men can be victims of DV. That doesn't mean that there are any resources for abused men yet. However, during the previous VAWA renewal Congress mandated that groups receiving federal money were required to support some services for men - but most local shelters and programs don't receive federal money. In the last year, both the Domestic Violence Hotline and RAINN have made their websites gender-neutral (mostly to satisfy trans groups, but men are still receiving the benefit from it).

My personal issue, if I can inject some of my own shit into this, is that I'm not just a DV victim but also a victim of sexual abuse at the same time. I've been looking for a year and I simply cannot find any other men like me. Either I'm pretty unique, or this is still an unspoken issue among male DV survivors.

 

[Kubash16]

I’m probably very ignorant on this topic, so please correct me/point stuff out to me/whatevs. I absolutely believe there should be equality in how people react regardless of the gender of the victim or the abuser.

The part where I start really pushing and getting frustrated/angry is when there are children involved. I know in an earlier thread, I was pretty harsh on the guy. But it has nothing to do with him being a guy, only that there are kids involved and he came across as complicit.

I can appreciate that trying to leave a DV situation is incredibly dangerous and it would feel so much easier to just stay and try to keep things somewhat even keeled. But once there are kids, I just don’t understand it. I’m probably biased though, given how I was raised.

 

[somerandomguy]

Oh groan, I think you were talking about a specific thread and I bloviated and didn't address that at all.

Yeah, that guy probably got much more yelled at than a woman with kids would have. I'm sure his use of the phrase "lovely little lady" or whatever didn't help, and his entire tone about telling all of us what PTSD was definitely unhelpful.

But yeah, he got piled on way more than a woman have been.

 

[LuckiLee]

I would like to think I react the same whether it's a male or female in that same situation. Get out! But maybe I do react differently? I'll have to make sure I don't.

When kids are involved? And cords are being tied around their necks? And they're being dragged? Yep. I say GTFO. Now!! Male or female.

Adults? Can make their own choices. Babies. Can't.

 

[Chris-duck]

I'd feel the same whether he was male or female. I don't think I'd be cool with a female standing by and watching her kids be abused either. It's nothing to do with whether it's the mum or dad dragging them across the room by their neck and everything to do with the fact there's toddlers there and the non abusive parent is cool with it. The not believing was cos of extra details that don't add up, the not breathing thing. And his attitude basically.

In most situations I'd probably agree with you that people react massively different to both genders. In this case I don't think so though. I think that's to do with the not giving an actual shit about his kids abuse. I don't think I've seen (or at least replied) to a similar thread with genders reversed but if I have then feel free to call me on it. But I can't see it.

 

[EveHarrington]

Sadly the double standard is rampant across many male/female issues.

Just look at “metoo”.

 

[jaccat]

My mum beat up my dad, and my brothers, but never laid a finger on me or my sister. I couldn’t talk about it (even if I’d been capable) because it didn’t happen, right?

When I was in college we had a mental health day, where outside groups came and gave talks and workshops. Among them, two women from the local domestic violence shelter. After sitting through half an hour of them telling us how horrible/useless/evil men were I got up the courage to ask what support there was for men if the roles were reversed. They actually told me that that never happened. They laughed. That was the late ‘90’s, not the dark ages. I kind of wish I could go back now and tell them just what I thought of their response.

It’s like a lot of gender disparities, it’s slowly changing as people realise anything one gender can do, the other can also (positive and negative). There was a documentary on British TV a few weeks ago where a very brave man talked about his abusive relationship, which ended with the woman receiving a prison sentence. Back when I was a child my father was advised not to leave my mother because, being a man, there was no way he’d get custody of me. Pretty screwed up. Yeah, it’s a topic that gets under my skin.

I haven’t read this other thread, so can’t comment on it.

 

[Friday]

Oh groan, I think you were talking about a specific thread and I bloviated and didn't address that at all.

Nope. I’m not shy. I already said my piece in thread, and if I’d wanted to threadjack-but-not I’d have linked it. It’s the entire issue, from start to finish, that pisses me off. So I think it rates it’s own thread. ;) Similarly, I don’t think this is a “mens issue”, or I’d have posted in there. I think it’s a people issue. Women are still seen as powerless against the Big Bad (you poor helpless thing!) when in point of fact there is a helluva lot one can do in most situations; and men are seen as the Big Bad, and clearly it’s all their fault. The reality, IMO, is messy & complicated. But I said already, I think both extremes of Faultless Victim & God Mode are shit.

 

[Freida]

The double standard is alive and well and something that cops and dispatchers struggled to understand. It's surprising for the trainees to realize that the 911 call comes in from the male half, that he is the one being abused, because society teaches us that it doesn't happen that way. We had to do a lot of training for our trainees to get them out of that mindset and to understand that yes, DV happens with men as the victim. Many of the cops I worked with talked about that too. I live in a mandatory arrest state - which means someone goes to jail in any DV call. The officers sometimes had a hard time wrapping their minds around the concept that the 5 foot tall wife was the person who beat up the 6 foot tall guy and SHE needed to be arrested. But it happened. A lot more than anyone realized.

It is changing though -- because of conversations like this and men's willingness to come forward and say that it isn't right that they don't get the help they need. Changing slowly -- but changing.

 

[Sideways]

Maybe it’s about how slowly we’re coming to understand the dynamics that go on in DV situations? I didn’t comment on the other thread because the whole thing blew me away and I was seriously wondering why my head was so off mark!

I do think that anyone who comes here in a DV situation where kids are caught in the crossfire gets the “Prioritise your childrens’ safety” line. Which makes sense given the makeup of the community here.

The way that’s delivered, though?

With women-victims of DV, it’s increasingly (read: not yet standard, but we’re getting there) common for responses to come at the problem from: this is a complex situation, you probably feel stuck/threatened, here’s some useful info about DV shelters so you can empower and free yourself and protect your kids...

We get a man-victim, and...phwoar! That blew my mind! The tone suddenly becomes, fundamentally, victim-blaming. Not victim-blaming in the sense that “You’re causing this problem”, but in the sense of “what the fk is wrong with you that you can’t sort this shit out for your kids???”

I’m removed enough that it was fascinating to watch that unfold. We evidently have a long way to go learning how to extend compassion, rather than judgment, to victims of DV. But I’m an optimist - if we can get there with women victims, I reckon we can get there with all DV victims given enough time and education.