General Grateful for this forum. Stuff makes more sense. Also, a question.

[Sweetpea76]

But why does he get a pass on being triggered, and I don't?

Because life isn’t fair. If he cannot handle your issues, he cannot handle them. It doesn’t matter if it’s fair or justified.

Also, leading up to the breakup, it wasn't just him going incommunicado on me, that triggered my abandonment issues. He was reading my IMs and choosing to ignore them..you know how you can see that on FB? Had he simply said I'm busy, we'll talk tomorrow, which is what he NORMALLY does, none of that would've ever happened. Instead I got completely blown off.

That’s how isolation works. He cannot manage his own emotions, so dealing with yours isn’t going to happen. He read what you wrote and couldn’t deal with answering.

If both of you cannot manage your stressors and triggers around each other, then it’s not going to work. Like I said before, each of you have to own your own stuff.

PTSD relationships are brutal, even if everybody is putting in 100%. Considering it was only a 6 month relationship you probably haven’t seen much except the honeymoon phase. This may just be the tip of the iceberg.

 

[LovingH]

PTSD isn’t necessarily logical.

You got that right :(

 

[LovingH]

PTSD relationships are brutal, even if everybody is putting in 100%. Considering it was only a 6 month relationship you probably haven’t seen much except the honeymoon phase. This may just be the tip of the iceberg.

:(

Yeah, I just thought maybe there would be some opportunity for growth there, if we could work on these things with a counselor.

I do feel absolutely awful about breaking up with him. I feel like, after doing some research, and especially being on this forum, I could better handle his need for space from time to time. Especially if I had my own therapist, and was working on my anxiety/abandonment issues. :(

Not much I can do if he wants nothing to do with me, tho. And interprets anytime I reach out to him as "fighting."

thx for the replies. :(

 

[Sweetpea76]

Honestly, the best thing you could do is give him some space and take what he says at face value... then work on yourself FOR yourself.

 

[LovingH]

It's sobering. I just really thought I had come so far from the time I was dating an alcoholic in denial. I feel like I was fooling myself about how much I had conquered a lot of my issues.

 

[Sweetpea76]

When you’re in a good place you won’t tolerate dysfunctional men in your life. That was something I learned after a nasty divorce from a POS. I’m OK with myself and I’d be happier alone than with a jerk/addict/cheater/liar/whatevz. I love my vet like crazy, but if the relationship wasn’t healthy for either of us I would be OK without him.

 

[LovingH]

When you’re in a good place you won’t tolerate dysfunctional men in your life. That was something I learned after a nasty divorce from a POS. I’m OK with myself and I’d be happier alone than with a jerk/addict/cheater/liar/whatevz. I love my vet like crazy, but if the relationship wasn’t healthy for either of us I would be OK without him.

Or, as a good friend of mine has said over and over, "it's better to be alone than to wish you were."

Dating is a minefield, though, I tell you. Sooo many damaged people out there and so many NARCISSISTS. It's like we have an epidemic of narcissism out there. At least I am getting good at recognizing the narcissists a lot earlier now.

My most recent ex with PTSD..he truly is the sweetest guy I've ever met. We had a connection unlike anything I've had..not in a long time. Not since I first met my exhusband.

That 6 mos was probably the best 6 mos I've spent with anyone. I still can't stop thinking about it.

I have a hard time leaving someone (well, when I'm not acting impulsively out of abandonment fears..oh the irony), since I got left, myself.

I tried to explain that to my ex, but I don't think he understood. He doesn't have a lot of really good friends. He talked about us being friends, when he was ready, but I didn't think I could do it. I'm not good at doing the "friends with an ex" thing. Esp when my feelings are so strong.

I even was gonna take my exhusband back (yes, he wanted me back after divorcing me, and after I'd healed without him for 6 months) til he told me that my "mental health issues" meant he would never marry me again. Then I walked away.