Undiagnosed At a loss - sexual and psychological abuse by ex-partner

[Montgomery]

Hello everyone! I recently started an evaluation for PTSD with my therapist and since both me and my therapist are 99% sure i will be diagnosed, i decided to join this forum for support.
The trauma im suffering from is the 9 month long psychological and sexual abuse at the hands of my ex boyfriend. We broke up last November and since then life has been nothing but pure f*cking agony :)
We met when i was 19 and it was pretty much my first serious relationship. It was pretty good timing for a relationship as i was doing better in terms of my other mental illnesses (which he ended up using against me).
Now im doing really really bad. All my other issues are so much worse than before and on top of it i have to deal with the PTSD. I can't go one day without bursting out crying or having intrusive thoughts/memories that ruin the rest of my day. Im constantly suicidal and have completely lost faith in humanity, justice, karma whatever.
Im desperate for any amount of joy to get me through this but i can't find any. I just don't know what to do...

 

[ladee]

Joining here is a good start! Welcome!

A lot of support and information here. You can go to Articles and read many things that will help and be validating. Plus reading around the forum helps us to know we are not alone, regardless of what is going on with us.

Glad you are here!

 

[Missycat]

Cant comment on whether you have ptsd or not as we are not here to diagnose. What is good is that you have joined the forum and hopefully you will find lots of information you will find helpful and useful. You can be yourself here and there is plenty of support.

 

[Montgomery]

"sexual abuse by ex-partner" Really?? The worst of the abuse was the psychological part. Dissapointing.

 

[Kubash16]

"sexual abuse by ex-partner" Really?? The worst of the abuse was the psychological part. Dissapointing.

They just add the titles to help with search ability and so people have an idea what they will read when the click on the post. Both sexual and psychological harm are very serious. For many, sexual would be the worst, not all of course, but they can’t read minds and put what is typical.

 

[Freida]

the good news is that you have found a place where people can understand what you are going thru. So welcome!

 

[Montgomery]

the good news is that you have found a place where people can understand what you are going thru. So welcome!

I mean do they really when they label my experience as "sexual abuse by ex-partner" ? lmao

 

[Kubash16]

I mean do they really when they label my experience as "sexual abuse by ex-partner" ? lmao

What would you rather they do? I’ve explained above what the reasoning is.

 

[Friday]

@SHIKI To get in contact with Staff to discuss forum related matters -like thread titles, or staff edits- please use Contact Us

 

[Montgomery]

What would you rather they do? I’ve explained above what the reasoning is.

Idk it's different if it's a trigger warning for sexual abuse, but i didn't go into detail and the topic doesn't really have much to do with sexual abuse at all except for the fact that it was briefly mentioned. It feels like it's disregarding the rest of the abuse and the post by attributing it just to that.
Does that make sense? It just feels a bit insensitive and dismissive.

 

[Friday]

it's different if it's a trigger warning for sexual abuse, but i didn't go into deta

Putting my staff hat on...

We don’t use Trigger Warnings, here. You can read about why in the Community Constitution

Staff do not discuss forum related matters in thread, however, so please do use Contact Us If you’d like to discuss either the title edit, or trigger warnings, etc. further :)

I mean do they really when they label my experience as "sexual abuse by ex-partner" ? lmao

Taking off my staff hat ...

Something people without PTSD often don’t understand is that the “worst part”? Often isn’t the qualifying trauma itself.

TBH, it’s something a lot of people with PTSD in the early days often don’t understand. It’s not the rape, or the bank robbery, or the car accident, or the domestic violence, or the fighting, etc. that bothers them. It’s the ________. <<< That blank can be filled with a zillion different things.

Sure, sometimes it’s “just” avoidance. Focusing on the big shiny something that’s easy to be mad about, or think about, or talk about.

A lot of the times it’s not avoidance at all... PTSD is relatively simple and straightforward, but trauma & it’s after effects get complicated as f*ck. As does dealing with them.

You’ll find a lot of similarity of the _________ in different types of trauma, like safety in childhood trauma, and betrayal in domestic violence. You’ll also find a lot of crossover between trauma types... people going through radically different traumas, yet sharing the same issues, like the ________ isn’t the abuse or the combat but the waiting, knowing that the longer it’s quiet the worse it’s going to be. Or different traumas, different worst parts, but personality / how someone prefers to deal with both, or see either, simply mesh up.

...And you’ll also find that the ________ has a pretty strong tendency to change over time. The trauma itself stays the same, but how we feel about it, and what the effects of it are on our lives? Can be a bit of a moving target. Sometimes that’s hugely relieving, as we’re dealing with one aspect and putting it to bed; other times it’s frustrating as blazes, like playing whack-a-mole, or Pandora’s Box being kicked open.

One of the benefits of a forum this size, is that regardless of what I’m working on? Straight up PTSD symptoms, or trauma side effects, or unique to certain trauma type isssues? No matter how far back I want to pull, or how close in I want to move? Exactly as @Freida said... there are people in every stage, group, place... who get it. Because they’ve done that, or are doing it.

 

[Montgomery]

Taking off my staff hat ...

Something people without PTSD often don’t understand is that the “worst part”? Often isn’t the qualifying trauma itself.

TBH, it’s something a lot of people with PTSD in the early days often don’t understand. It’s not the rape, or the bank robbery, or the car accident, or the domestic violence, or the fighting, etc. that bothers them. It’s the ________. <<< That blank can be filled with a zillion different things.

Sure, sometimes it’s “just” avoidance. Focusing on the big shiny something that’s easy to be mad about, or think about, or talk about.

A lot of the times it’s not avoidance at all... PTSD is relatively simple and straightforward, but trauma & it’s after effects get complicated as f*ck. As does dealing with them.

You’ll find a lot of similarity of the _________ in different types of trauma, like safety in childhood trauma, and betrayal in domestic violence. You’ll also find a lot of crossover between trauma types... people going through radically different traumas, yet sharing the same issues, like the ________ isn’t the abuse or the combat but the waiting, knowing that the longer it’s quiet the worse it’s going to be. Or different traumas, different worst parts, but personality / how someone prefers to deal with both, or see either, simply mesh up.

...And you’ll also find that the ________ has a pretty strong tendency to change over time. The trauma itself stays the same, but how we feel about it, and what the effects of it are on our lives? Can be a bit of a moving target. Sometimes that’s hugely relieving, as we’re dealing with one aspect and putting it to bed; other times it’s frustrating as blazes, like playing whack-a-mole, or Pandora’s Box being kicked open.

One of the benefits of a forum this size, is that regardless of what I’m working on? Straight up PTSD symptoms, or trauma side effects, or unique to certain trauma type isssues? No matter how far back I want to pull, or how close in I want to move? Exactly as @Freida said... there are people in every stage, group, place... who get it. Because they’ve done that, or are doing it.

I understand that and i really appreciate you taking the time to respond. But i feel like the sexual part is what is easy to be mad about. It's the only concrete form of abuse and is therefore easy for ME to process and acknowledge. The rest is fuzzy and not a fixed form of abuse i can easily idenfity. That's why i get defensive and annoying about it. I don't want to be misunderstood. I've had to get that point across to many people and mental health professionals. Because as soon as i mention the sexual abuse that's all they focus on. The psychological/emotional abuse becomes secondary somehow. It bothers me.