Behaving reckless is going to get me killed

[lookingfor help]

For as long as I can remember after my trauma I’ve done things to put myself in a lot of danger. Usually fuelled by alcohol, I’ve acted in ways that scream “I don’t care what happens to me.” and mostly with men. I’ve taken drugs off a man I just met in a club, I’ve wandered the streets drunk in the early morning looking for someone to have sex with, I’ve left friends at a club to go home with a boy - that particular time I had my friend’s house key so she was locked off, I’m always wondering off with people (and in particular men) I’ve just met.
Last night was terrible though.
I went out to celebrate my friend’s 21st birthday and it was amazing. Afterwards one of my friends, let’s call her E, suggested we all go out. So me, E, and a few guys decided to go out to a club together. The club we went to allowed us entry but refused to let the guys in unless they paid £1k for a table - this is London btw, so it’s pretty normal for clubs in Central to let in girls for free but be harsher on boys. Me and E went in and honestly had a great time it was only once the club was over that things got bad.
I don’t remember now - just bc of how much I’d had to drink - but these two boys approached us and offered to take us home. E insisted we were fine but wanted to know how I was going to get home. I decided to walk off with one of the guys, pretty far ahead I didn’t realise if I’m honest. And before I knew it we’d lost E.
Now in this guy’s car, we had sex, unprotected. He asked me to give him a blowjob but I refused - that’s one thing that is very traumatic when it comes to sex, and reminds me too much of my assault, even drunk I can’t do it. He insisted but finally gave up. His friend got into the car a little while later and told me E had ordered an uber to her house (she’d said before that I could stay at hers, but I said no). They went and bought alcohol and were drinking and driving me around in the car. At one point my phone died and I asked if I could charge it, they let me. Then the first guy got out of the car and his friend got in the backseat with me and asked me to give him a blowjob. I said no. He tried to get me to drink some more but I said no. All I remember is being very drunk and very tired and asking to have me taken home. Eventually his friend got back in the car and they dropped me off at mine at 5.30ish in the morning.
Even writing this all out now I struggle to see how dangerous this situation was. I guess what hurts is the phone call I had with E today, saying how worried she was about me and how much danger I put not only myself but her in by doing that. The boy she had been left with had tried to touch her and openly told her he was a drug dealer. She said she was scared for me, and honestly I’m scared that I can’t seem to stop or see where I’m going wrong.
I hate this part of me that throws herself into danger and acts like nothing matters and she doesn’t matter. I just need someone to speak to, maybe someone who has acted in a similar way or someone who can shed some light on why I do what I do.

 

[Kubash16]

Do you happen to be in therapy currently?

I’ve definitely been there. But focusing on therapy and finding other coping mechanisms has helped. Not totally, but getting there.

 

[lookingfor help]

Do you happen to be in therapy currently?

I’ve definitely been there. But focusing on therapy and finding other coping mechanisms has helped. Not totally, but getting there.

no i haven’t been in a year now. I was in counselling for a bit but again a lot of similar behaviour, drinking too much, etc. meant my file was closed because of missed appointments. That’s really been hanging over me lately, hard to get to terms with. I wanted to help myself so badly and then having that happen just felt like “You can’t do anything right.”

 

[Kubash16]

Have you considered an IOP or going inpatient for a bit to give yourself more structure then fully outpatient can provide?

 

[Friday]

For me’self, when I was catting around/f*cking around/on the prowl, it was something of an unequal mix of; choice/control, replacing every bad memory with 1000 good memories, relearning faith in mankind, trusting my own judgement / testing myself & pushing my own boundaries, joïe de vivre, and stress management... my thrillseeking behaviors weren’t tied to sex, but to violence & sudden risk of imminent death (if I wanted a rush I’d start a barfight or rappel off the side of a building), although it may not have appeared that way to onlookers.

 

[lookingfor help]

Have you considered an IOP or going inpatient for a bit to give yourself more structure then fully outpatient can provide?

i’m at uni right now, redoing my second year again. my assault happened in my first year of uni and naturally affected my outlook on life, motivation, and how i felt towards university.

For me’self, when I was catting around/f*cking around/on the prowl, it was something of an unequal mix of; choice/control, replacing every bad memory with 1000 good memories, relearning faith in mankind, trusting my own judgement / testing myself & pushing my own boundaries, joïe de vivre, and stress management... my thrillseeking behaviors weren’t tied to sex, but to violence & sudden risk of imminent death (if I wanted a rush I’d start a barfight or rappel off the side of a building), although it may not have appeared that way to onlookers.

you explained it perfectly. that idea of choice and control and pushing my own boundaries. it’s like playing a sick game with yourself; you think you’re so in control of when really, your ptsd is controlling you.

 

[EveHarrington]

your ptsd is controlling you.

Well, not exactly.

If you go through life with this belief, nothing is ever going to change.

You do indeed have the power to make better choices, but for whatever reason, you’re still making bad choices.

I advise you to stop drinking and stop doing drugs. I know you’re young and the social lives of many young people revolve around drinking, but you have to make a choice. Do you want to get better or do you want to continue destroying your life. It IS your choice. You DO have the power to make better decisions.

 

[lookingfor help]

Well, not exactly.

If you go through life with this belief, nothing is ever going to change.

You do indeed have the power to make better choices, but for whatever reason, you’re still making bad choices.

I advise you to stop drinking and stop doing drugs. I know you’re young and the social lives of many young people revolve around drinking, but you have to make a choice. Do you want to get better or do you want to continue destroying your life. It IS your choice. You DO have the power to make better decisions.

you’re right. all i meant was without my trauma i wouldn’t behave like this. sure i’m young and i’m bound to make mistakes, but i would’ve never been as reckless as an after what happened and i think @Friday described it perfectly as that choice vs control, and pushing your limits, testing your own boundaries, maybe because someone had pushed mine in the past (the assault). but i do need to be more present, actively make better choices and you’re right alcohol and drugs don’t help my judgement. when i was in therapy we spoke about my drinking problem and she said that she doesn’t think alcohol is my issue it’s my perception of men, and getting to the route of that will need to happen.

 

[Kubash16]

Have you considered a rehab program to get yourself some time of being completely clean and then going back to therapy to work on the core issues?

 

[EveHarrington]

all i meant was without my trauma i wouldn’t behave like this.

Ahhh very true.

My perception of safety is still skewed. Well, according to everyone around me, I still insist I’m safe even if they think im not! I carry pepper spray and a whistle to give peace of mind to my loved ones. These things don’t make me feel safer in public because I don’t feel unsafe to begin with. I’m prone to wandering off and not telling anyone where I’m going, running at night, etc.

 

[grit]

First I want to say you are young and in school so that means plus on your court.
Secondly, even after your trauma, you are still meeting men who are not jerks so that hopefully should give you a glimpse of humanity. Those two men could have been crazy, rape you and kill you and you would not be found. This type is not about I am young and making mistakes, it is about doing self-harm. Language is important.
Third, something terrible happened to you at the time when you were transitioning from child to adult and you are struggling of finding your footing. I hope you invest in therapy and rehab.
As for me, yes been there and done that and the only thing I can show you today is nothing! amnesia, shame, soreness of my body from re-traumatizing and abusing and flashbacks full of shame. Where we differ 100% is I could not write what you wrote here when I was your age and I would never ask for help or advise or even admit...so once again, intelligence is in your court. I hope you do something else with your life.

 

[Mach123]

You probably will stop the behaviour if you clean up. I understand though, I was up for a lot of punishment at your age. I stopped drinking last time because just feeling like that the next day was not worth the couple hours relief I got the night before. It doesn't hurt as much when you're young.

At least you know something. Nobody knew anytthing when I was your age in the seventies. I listened with good intentions but like the song by the tubes says famously "can't clean up though I KNOW I should!"

Good luck, this is a good place to learn what's driving the behavior.