Smothered by Gifts

[Brown Eyes]

Sounds like a nice idea and problem to have...right? My retired vet has always and continues to bring something for me each time he visits which is normally every other day. He will ask what I have eaten today and since cooking is not my thing I usually reply I've had my salad today. He then requests to stop by and bring me food and/or cook it for me. Rarely does he eat with me but just wants me to have a yummy meal. Don't get me wrong...he's a wonderful cook and I appreciate the meal but guilt comes with being waited on often. He also brings tokens and things I am able to use around the house...sometimes expensive and sometimes not. Again, I feel guilty that I have not taken the time to shop for him since I cannot think of anything he would possibly want or need? I've tried cooking him a meal and like I said I do not do it well at all and ends up being thrown out.
Now, I've got a couple of weddings to attend this summer and I found two appropriate dresses/shoes etc. I'd like to wear. They are not extravagant designer dresses and shoes but 'Good Enough' and they fit and I am comfortable in both outfits. He decides that I should have the very best to wear to my nieces' special days. I am talking high end designer dress and shoes. What girl would not love to have this option but it's really making me uneasy because he's spending so much time and money finding dresses that I like, fit and are comfortable. So far...one dress fits but is snug and I like it but do not love it. I love a pair of beautiful sandals and they are comfortable, so he did good with those. Another pair of shoes are too small and in the process of being stretched so they will be comfortable enough to wear...not to any wedding, just whenever. One beautiful dress was just too small and he is stuck with it after spending $600+ on it. He continues to work with a 'shopper' who is cross country sending him photos of dresses and shoes from boutiques for the second wedding. I am exhausted and told him I am fine with the dress I already have and plan to wear...he is not having that so his hunt/obsession continues.
My question is why the obsessive behavior? He does this with most things but it seems to be getting worse to the point that I want to shut down all of his generous giving ways but I do not know how to do it without seeming ungrateful. I am flattered that he wants to provide and make me comfortable and take care of me but when will this end? What happens next? I am a self sufficient person, if I want or need something I am able to purchase it without financial stress.
Is he maybe trying to make up for things he did in the past? Why the obsession with making me comfortable and giving when I never ask for anything? I've known him for over 2 years now...do not live together, rarely go on dates, never go on vacations and he refuses to attend these two weddings with me. They are out of state but it would not matter if they were in town...he would not attend.
Please do not think I am complaining and I am not spoiled at all...just trying to understand where this may be coming from and what he is clearly overcompensating for.

 

[Friday]

just trying to understand where this may be coming from and what he is clearly overcompensating for.

Not necessarily overcompensating... some people are just like that. Same as others say I love you, or write notes, or do hugs and back rubs, etc. others do acts of service & gifts.

This >>> Discover Your Love Language - The 5 Love Languages® <<< Is one of the most common sense things I’ve ever come across.

 

[Hojay]

I have a friend whose boyfriend—now husband—did the exact same thing. In the beginning, we were all a little weary, thinking there’d be no way he could possible keep that up, and that he was probably trying to “buy” her. But a few years in, and what do you know, he’s still at it, showering her with gifts. He loves shopping for her, it’s as simple as that.

That said, if it really makes you uncomfortable (and I can see why it would,) it’s a boundary thing, and maybe it’s time to assert them with a kind and firm “please stop.” Because as nice as gifts are and as harmless as it all sounds, if he continues despite your protests, it’s not kindness, it’s control.

There are certain types of people who use this kind of gift giving as a way to ingratiate themselves, distract from other issues they don’t want to address, or, worst case scenario, control how, where, and with what the other person spends their time. I’m not saying that’s what he’s doing, but if something feels off about the dynamic, listen to your gut and get to the bottom of it.

 

[The Albatross]

Talk to him but - Instead of questioning you crossed over to labeling your partner, "obsessive behavior" or "overcompensating". It may be overcompensation or the "languages" as Friday shared above that he uses to slow nurturing, love and care. Clearly though he may have some issues as you've given your feedback. Come back to you're issue and deal with it perhaps electing to have some meaningful discussion and communication - " I feel guilty".

A good place to start is that the choice is yours and it is offensive to your autonomy. I would likely ask or question why he is so vested in the issue and let him explain it.

 

[Brown Eyes]

There are certain types of people who use this kind of gift giving as a way to ingratiate themselves, distract from other issues they don’t want to address, or, worst case scenario, control how, where, and with what the other person spends their time. I’m not saying that’s what he’s doing, but if something feels off about the dynamic, listen to your gut and get to the bottom of it.

This is what causes the red flags to go up. One day he was talking about his 'brothers' and how they continue to get into relationships...marry...buy homes and then divorce, wife takes all. He them explained "They clearly were trying to make up for the pain they caused and people they hurt." My guy has never been in a totally committed relationship, until me, let alone married.

A good place to start is that the choice is yours and it is offensive to your autonomy. I would likely ask or question why he is so vested in the issue and let him explain it.

When asked he responded "Every girl should have many designer articles in their wardrobe." Communication is not one of his strong points. He evades the deeper questions and meanings and always response with a chuckle and surface stuff. For now I'll just make space in my closet!!!

I have a friend whose boyfriend—now husband—did the exact same thing. In the beginning, we were all a little weary, thinking there’d be no way he could possible keep that up, and that he was probably trying to “buy” her. But a few years in, and what do you know, he’s still at it, showering her with gifts. He loves shopping for her, it’s as simple as that.

Love to hear that your friend's guy, now husband, has continued. I know my guy loves dressing in nice things, and knows and cares more about those things than I do. Maybe I am reading too much into it. I would never spend days and even weeks deciding on a dress or pair of shoes for myself let alone someone else. Haha

 

[grit]

I wonder if there is huge age difference between the two of you and that is why you feel he is overcompensating? Just wondering. Also how is he otherwise? generous, attentive, loving, give quality time, open to criticism? Sometimes I find men or women do things in accordance to a reaction to the last relationship and do not learn until the next big growth. What I mean by this let us say a last g/f loved gifts and was over exuberance about it. He may learn this is what women like and will repeat until it is no longer working for every woman or taken advantage of or something unpleasant for him happens. But that is an awful way to learn about life all the time but some people do that way.
Also if he is financially a place to do this and this is not impacting him otherwise, that is something to consider. Maybe his values around money is not that big deal.
at the end though, you are feeling uncomfortable about something that is not painful per se. Perhaps, you feel you do not deserve.

 

[Brown Eyes]

I wonder if there is huge age difference between the two of you and that is why you feel he is overcompensating? Just wondering. Also how is he otherwise? generous, attentive, loving, give quality time, open to criticism?

Great questions...he is a year younger than me, generous, attentive. Quality time is given via telephone but when he visits I feel like he's always got one foot out the door. He does not respond well to criticism and is always perceived as I am trying to pick a fight. He quickly exits from the conversation or must leave to do something...thus my reluctance to explain how the constant stream of gifts have become burdensome.
I have a feeling his past relationships revolved around what he had to offer them. He's very sketchy about his past women and he's never been married.
I believe his financial situation to be solid since he is retired and has been since age 43. Clearly his time in Special Ops treated him well? I too am retired and have been since age 40. No real financial concerns on either end.
I'd much rather be showered with touch and fun times. I have been a giver to many people in my past and I remember what it was like when they were unappreciative but now I know how they felt.

 

[grit]

By your ages, it seems this is very hard wired behaviour for him and that honestly people do not change easily unless there is a real or perceived benefit for them. If you are afraid to stand up for your discomfort (especially for something like this) and he can honestly hear you and see your discomfort about this (again also a soft ball issue in the greater schemes of things), then maybe and only maybe you guys can move more to dealing with real stuff intimacy, quality of time and other stuff. For now it seems he does this to cover some underlying thing (it is too automatic but it serves a real function for him) and your fear of not rocking the boat and appearing silly for rocking a boat that provides material things...I can honestly see the challenge and it will not be easy to get deeper. If I was in your position, and of course I am saying this without knowing anything, I would let the gift thing go since they are positive way of covering whatever it is but I would focus on how to bring more intimacy and connection to the relationships. It is possible both of you do not like conflict and that could be the most underlying issue.

 

[Hojay]

Hm, I myself dated a guy for quite a while who wouldn't shower me with gifts, but would take me on extravagant trips around the world, all payed for. I was pretty uncomfortable with that, but went along with it, thinking he could afford it and why the hell not, right? Well, turns out, those trips were always, inevitably torture because he was emotionally so stunted and so allergic to criticism, it was nigh impossible to build a real and intimate connection. In my case, I think his "gift/trip giving" was a way of masking the fact that there wasn't much beyond the shiny surface. Insecurity? Manipulation? I don't know. But the generosity was a way to hide those character flaws...

Maybe I am reading too much into it.

I don't think so. It's bumping you up enough to seek out advice here, so don't minimize what you're feeling about it. Sure, on the surface you might think to yourself, "hey, what am I even complaining about?!" But I think your gut knows this isn't about the actual gifts.

This:

"Every girl should have many designer articles in their wardrobe."

...could either be a very sweet way of wanting to "take care of someone," or a sign of some wonky gender role attitudes and/or self absorbtion. Because I, as a woman, sure don't appreciate someone wanting to dress me up like a doll. Let me put it this way, there's a certain type of guy who will give gifts judged by what they would like to see their woman in or would like to see her doing/eating/watching/reading, rather than what they think the woman would like given her preferences/hobbies/stuff she's mentioned. And if that's the case, that's no bueno.

This is probably much closer to the real issue your gut is picking up on:

He evades the deeper questions and meanings and always response with a chuckle and surface stuff.

Quality time is given via telephone but when he visits I feel like he's always got one foot out the door. He does not respond well to criticism and is always perceived as I am trying to pick a fight. He quickly exits from the conversation or must leave to do something...thus my reluctance to explain how the constant stream of gifts have become burdensome.

First of all, don't take his issues with criticism as an invitation to stop criticizing. Trust yourself. You know when something is off and if he can't handle that, that won't get better. Actually, it will get worse with time if that nut isn't cracked. So keep an eye on that one.

So with the additional info provided, there are a few explanations for this uncomfortable gift situation. I've ranked them from totally harmless to not harmless at all. I'm sure there are a ton of additions to this, but it could, for example, entail some thinking along the lines of:

I have too much money and I don't want to spend it all on myself. Let me spend it on someone I love!

I feel pretty unlovable and unworthy deep down/have strong PTSD symptoms I'm trying to manage. Maybe if I shower her with gifts she won't notice what a loser I think I am, and she'll stick around.

I have profound issues with intimacy and trust. Maybe if I shower her with gifts, she won't notice that I'm actually not capable/willing/interested in emotional honesty and intimacy.

I need to have total control over what she thinks and feels about me and the relationship at all times. Maybe if I give her gifts she will feel too guilty, pressured, or blinded to think her own thoughts and feel her own feelings.

I rarely see her, I'm quick to dip in and out, don't accompany her in public, and want to keep things on the surface because I'm actually seeing multiple women/am married/in a relationship somewhere else/etc. Maybe if I shower her with gifts she'll be to grateful to notice.

Other options? This one is interesting to me...

 

[Tinyflame]

I'd much rather be showered with touch and fun times. I have been a giver to many people in my past and I remember what it was like when they were unappreciative but now I know how they felt.

I think the above says a lot. And that is communication, what you like or want, or don't. Or what you expected when you gave a gift.

I think under many assumptions, gift-giving gets a bad name. JMHO but a gift isn't one, if it has strings. And for one you give cash, they can buy what they want or make their life easier, or have a treat, a person who can't use it (eg a senior) maybe time, and an act of service, etc. Etc. Go with the flow. Time is a gift. Honesty is a gift. Support is a gift. Meeting needs is a gift.

I'm not sure I even 'get' the love languages- I am afraid to trust, and don't like super PDA, but like holding hands in private, and I have a bad back and like back rubs to take away the pain, but not without consent, or because someone wants to get laid. I can love a 1$ item as much as a $1000 one, if it was given with love or thoughtfulness, or meaning. The meaning of any gift or action comes much more back to the intention and relationship, and should never be for manipulation or gross intentions.

I would feel really weird about someone choosing my dress- that is too controlling. But that would be different than shopping together and a gift. Though more thought than I would put in to it either, as I abhor clothes shopping. Thank God for gifts there- or I'd be naked. :rolleyes:

Maybe both being retired and financially it not meaning so much, you are both a bit bored?

It doesn't make sense to not tell him what you think.

(Ignore if not helpful).

 

[EveHarrington]

Gifts that are not wanted, are not gifts at all!

Take for example when people give unwanted help....You may not want the help, but that doesn't make you ungrateful. It simply means that for whatever reason, you don't want help from that particular person, or maybe any person. The "giver" may feel that you are being ungrateful, saying "BUT I'M TRYING TO HELP YOU!"

When someone forces things, actions, whatever upon you, its actually a violation of your boundaries if these things are unwanted. Just because someone is trying to be "nice" doesn't mean that we are obligated to accept whatever it is that they are giving.

I think that gifts are perhaps a way that he shows you that he cares, because he's not fully engaged in the relationship in ways that he should be. I hate to use the word "should", but from what you describe, it doesn't seem like he is all there, all in. Gifts are nice, but if your needs aren't being met, all the gifts in the world won't make you happy. I like receiving gifts, but I never need anything expensive or extravagant. My boyfriend will give me little things, from time to time. What really matters to me is that he is incredibly giving in his actions ie he does things to help me out, and he spends much time with me. These are the things that matter, not the gifts!

 

[Tinyflame]

I came back to add something. because it reminded me. (And yes @EveHarrington I agree, help should be offered, then one can say no or not). For example though, in my house whoever was home first made dinner, whether a kid (2 did, 2 didn't) or adult. To this day we do the same. But it is with the understanding, if you want it, great, it's there, if not, or something else, no hard feelings, we are adults.

I was often given long stemmed roses (dozens) by different people, to be asked to go out. One man, and what is awful is I can't even remember his last name :( , I felt so bad because I didn't go out with him, he said, "As long as you love them, that is what matters, and I am happy you do, that makes it worth it". And, I actually think he meant it. And I felt really relieved. And did love them :) . It took me years to realize he was one of the few men I really should have allowed to pursue a relationship with, because of 'his' reaction (and my reaction to it). And he was good looking, and very responsible. But also, we were likely coming from the same place, in personality and character/ style, and communication, and thoughtfulness to each other.

So the way I figure, about all things, is 'my' reaction tells me more about myself, in any interaction or situation. Communication, boundaries, and gratitude is the rest.

Good luck! :hug: