Hitting the one year mark without cutting - ready to majorly relapse?

[Deleted member 47099]

Well done on starting a thread and battling this thing through!

Some thoughts I had while reading this (no idea if they resonate)...

Somehow this seems like one of those "tests" in epic stories... Where the hero has to choose how the story moves forward...

It feels like there's two options - go back to a trauma life and this year of no cutting was just "an exception" - or decide that no, it wasn't an exception, you're moving in the direction of a no-trauma life.

It seems like for some reason your soul has decided that this point in time Friday/ Saturday/ one year is the test of how your life story will move forward, which is pretty deep and significant.

I remember you took a picture and a quote of a saint to a scary T session once... I remember finding it an incredibly inspirational quote... Do you think that could help here?

Are there any rituals you could do? Any rites of passage type things?

There is a LOT of Nordic/ Celtic mysticism of breaking swords and knives and putting them in rivers, waterways, etc... as an offering to the Gods.

Maybe you could do a deep ritual to help you let go of one part of your life, and to welcome the birth of a new era in your life?

 

[Chris-duck]

Maybe it could be tomorrow, as in on Friday?

Yeah sure. I'll be between nightshifts so my dinner timing might be a bit off but eh. Timezones n stuff so.. :P

And sorry I've not really replied here, I don't have much to add that hasn't already been said. I'll be around though on Friday/Saturday if you wanna chat or owt. ?

 

[Mach123]

I don't count for exactly this reason. I can't, I did it for so long. I thought it made life hell. I don't use any of the words. Addict, relapse, anniversary. Everything gets better slowly overall. I don't feel the pressure of it that way. If I'm better, I do things I don't want less and things bother me less. I don't have to add to it.
Even people saying congratulations made me want to XYZ, choose your poison.

I hope you feel better and things go smoothly.

 

[Freemartin]

A fair point right there, @Mach123 . I can see how counting leads to trouble. I guess I used this one-year mark as a way to motivate myself to abstaining from self harm. And it has worked, but it does have these downsides.

I'm kinda practising these self care and reward things people have recommended. I'm rewarding the violent, self-destructive part for not causing too much trouble today by watching Dunkirk on Netflix (war stories float his boat). And I'll give the kid part some hot chocolate later. Thanks for these ideas, folks!

 

[Freemartin]

Update: waiting for my p-nurse to call. Kinda losing my shit over how weird and crazy this whole thing is. Need to regroup and find some more willpower or whatever it is that gets me through this shitshow.

I’m a bit nervous about the phone call. I’m afraid she won’t be able to help. Or she’ll get me hospitalised. I really need to get a handle on this.

 

[Chris-duck]

I’m afraid she won’t be able to help.

She's helped before though right? So I get the stress round it all but history says she could help ;)

Or she’ll get me hospitalised

Is that a realistic outcome? Or "just" something you're worried bout?

 

[Freemartin]

but history says she could help ;)

Yeah. She’s been great tbh. So there is hope. :rolleyes:

And about hospitalisation: she can’t have me sectioned as you UK folks would say. I’d have to be psychotic, which I’m not (yeah, I know, so they all say...). So if I’m not willing to go there’s nothing she can do. And I’m not willing. So, no real risk there. I guess what I’m really worried about is getting one more experience of me being on my own cause no-one can help me. But, as you said, this particular nurse lady has indeed been very helpful in the past. So, I’ll see what happens.

 

[Freemartin]

Maybe you could do a deep ritual to help you let go of one part of your life, and to welcome the birth of a new era in your life?

Thanks for this idea, @Sophy ! Def something to look into.
I’m not sure I’m really there yet, tho. Ready to let go of this part of my life, I mean. I’d love to be able to say that I am, but to be quite honest, it doesn’t seem to be the case.

Maybe I could come up with a recommitment thing? Like those couples who renew their marital vows or something. :D I could recommit to my goal or struggle for a life without self-harm? Maybe?

 

[bellbird]

Maybe I could come up with a recommitment thing? Like those couples who renew their marital vows or something. :D

I love this!!
I'm at about 6-7 months clean from cutting, might join you on the recommitment thing as as much as I'd like otherwise, my mind is still very anniversary-focused.

Here with you @Freemartin .

 

[Sideways]

Emotional waves pass. They can be big tough bastards, but they always always pass.

Can you name the emotions you’re dealing with atm? Can you make some space for them while the wave passes? What tools do you have in your toolkit for dealing with those emotions? Or distracting from them?

 

[Freemartin]

Can you name the emotions you’re dealing with atm?

Uh, fear, surprisingly. I’m afraid of my self-destructiveness and lack of skills to handle it. The nurse should call any minute now, hope she can help me with this. Waiting for the call, I’ll focus on deep breaths.

Thanks, Sideways!

 

[Freemartin]

might join you on the recommitment thing

It’s a deal!