I'm a first responder who can't tell my story...

[lutz0660]

I have a first responder focused trauma therapist. I deal with some intense calls from time to time and got a therapist to help me cope with the issues when one call in particular left me extremely triggered. I have an abuse history that is extensive to say the least and for what ever reason, cannot bring myself to tell him that I was abused... he's a former law enforcement officer and I was abused by a cop when I was a kid. I had only disclosed my abuse once as a kid, to this cop who decided to abuse me. Now I'm in therapy with a cop... how do I get over this so I can work through my issues?

 

[Gs172003]

I am not a first responder but this night help you...

Link Removed

 

[scout86]

how do I get over this so I can work through my issues?

That's not going to be something you can just "get over", all by yourself, and then get on with why you're there. It's part of why you're there.

Seems like the first question is "can you trust this guy?" What do you think so far? Does he seem trustworthy? Just because he's a therapist doesn't mean he is. (And just because he was a cop doesn't mean he isn't, of course.)

I guess, in your situation, I'd work on finding evidence to establish whether or not he's trustworthy first. If I decided he probably was, I'd tell him the story, as an experiment. See how he handles it, and go on from there.

Did the call that prompted you to look for a therapist have anything to do with what happened to you?

Welcome to the forum, by the way.

 

[grit]

Let us say you were not abused by a cop, then your first feeling would not be comparing this therapist to the last bad one...right? So it is your association of the past to the present that is holding you back not because this new cop showed he is or he is not trustworthy.
Past cop - not trustworthy
Present cop - trust is new and must be determined in merit and in time
The two cops are not related or the same or even close. The only common is they are cops and males. Like you and I are here on this site at the same time.

 

[lutz0660]

Let us say you were not abused by a cop, then your first feeling would not be comparing this therapist to the last bad one...right? So it is your association of the past to the present that is holding you back not because this new cop showed he is or he is not trustworthy.
Past cop - not trustworthy
Present cop - trust is new and must be determined in merit and in time
The two cops are not related or the same or even close. The only common is they are cops and males. Like you and I are here on this site at the same time.

I think there is this huge divide between logical and emotional for me. Logically I know that not all cops abuse children. I work with many officers that are amazing and dedicated more than most for our area. The therapist is a good person who has done nothing to make me feel unsafe or not trust him. Yet, I'm stuck and don't know how to move past it. I get that it's not going away any time soon. I also get that therapy takes time and cannot be forced, but I work a lot of volunteer hours for a department I love and it's getting in the way of that! I have been fairly open about my abuse history for years now. I have done therapy before and I've gotten to a good place where it's ok to openly say that you were abused. I have told cops before and it's never been an issue. Difficult yes, but an issue? No. So why then can I not bring myself to say anything more than simple descriptor words like "handsy"?

The call that messed me up the most: 12 year old girl decided to shoot her father and kill him because it was her sister's 6th birthday. That was when her father started molesting her (on her sixth birthday). So she thought she was protecting her sister. Pretty f*cked up story to begin with, but that's not what got to me. It was the fact that this 12 year old girl (while I was checking her over to make sure she was medically cleared for this officer to transport her) had convinced herself that she could handle being abused so long as she was the only one. It wasn't about possession or attention: it was all about self worth. She thought that she needed to be the strong one that could go through all these awful things so that no one else had to. And she thought that this was ok! I was also envious of her strength. She did the one thing I never could do as a kid. She stopped her abuse. She told her story.

There was a huge correlation between how this girl felt and how I felt as a kid when I was being abused. Ultimately those feelings led me to attempt suicide and allowed my father to get custody of me. I went from one horribly abusive environment with physical and sexual abuse to a strict religious environment rich with emotional abuse. And if I can say it all here, and to others... I don't see why I can't say it to my therapist. But it's like I am utterly terrified and unable to say anything past the surface.

I am so tired of this bullshit getting in the way of my life, yet I don't know how to prevent it. I will never understand what an adult sees sexually in a child. It doesn't matter the gender. Children are little humans with big emotions who need to be cared for and loved and never hurt the way I was...

 

[lutz0660]

That's not going to be something you can just "get over", all by yourself, and then get on with why you're there. It's part of why you're there.

Seems like the first question is "can you trust this guy?" What do you think so far? Does he seem trustworthy? Just because he's a therapist doesn't mean he is. (And just because he was a cop doesn't mean he isn't, of course.)

I guess, in your situation, I'd work on finding evidence to establish whether or not he's trustworthy first. If I decided he probably was, I'd tell him the story, as an experiment. See how he handles it, and go on from there.

Did the call that prompted you to look for a therapist have anything to do with what happened to you?

Welcome to the forum, by the way.

I had several back to back calls that were very difficult. As a result, my department requested that I see a therapist. I saw one for six months, but she was not a first responder therapist and when I finally ended up sharing with her one of the major traumas that I had survived at the fire department she was inconsolable! I spent the better part of 2 hours trying to get her to be ok before leaving. She told me the next day that she was not equipped to help me and I get it. So, I ended up going to a first responder ptsd conference and was hooked up with an amazing therapy service for my area. I did the intake questions and they assigned me the therapist I currently have. He's a great guy (a little weird, but who isn't)! He's done nothing to make me feel unsafe. I just can't talk to him about this. I can talk to him about many other difficult things, but I'm guarding this part of my life.

 

[grit]

@lutz0660
Sometimes people come to our lives for many reasons one being to assist us reach our healing goals through love, to thwart it, to destroy (or at least attempt) the path, or to be just meaningless until a later time when we recognize their gift or thievery.
I think all the logic and rationale you list here is that this cop is good enough. You have no reason to suspect otherwise except the experience you have. I can be wrong but I also got the feeling (my feeling here) that you are giving him some sort of persona like he may not understand you because how could he...he would never ever have experience like yours? but we would never know. I do not know why I got that feeling while I was reading your response. I think you can even share that you are not feeling he could help you and see where that conversation take you. The only problem you have (that I can see from here) is your resistance to his perceived help for you...that has not happened yet. I truly hope you meditate on your resistance toward his help and see what happens. Your feelings and your experience speak for itself as horrific and I can see why this little, amazing girl threw you off for a loop but you are also right that it takes another first responder to understand you and help you not just the typcal cushion therapist that love the biggest issue you have is general anxiety or general depression that you can still manage while you make $200/hr at a corporate job downtown. (I sound cynic here...) but there are serious traumas that most therapists are not equipped for.

ps. personally I am really curious why this cop become a therapist for first responders in the first place...what is his story? That is worth some thinking about.

 

[scout86]

. She thought that she needed to be the strong one that could go through all these awful things so that no one else had to.

I think variations on that theme aren't unusual. It's a way to make sense of things and a reason to survive. (And I wouldn't be at all surprised if she accurately assessed the situation.)

! He's done nothing to make me feel unsafe.

He doesn't have to. The other cop already did that.

Turns out it's pretty common to have trouble talking about some stuff. It's also pretty common to think there's no good reason for it to be hard. That really comes with the territory. (One of the things I've learned hanging out here.) He sounds ok to confide in. He actually needs this information so he can do his job. Something other people have had success with is writing things down and sharing that, or even sharing what they've posted here. What you've explained to us totally makes sense (I know it probably doesn't seem like it to you just yet). So consider sharing that.

There's no way the therapy is going to give you all the benefit it could if you don't tell him. I'd expect it to be hard and expect that it's going to be unpleasant in the moment. Once you've done it, it's my experience that I'm usually pleasantly surprised to find out I'm still alive and more or less unharmed.

 

[Freida]

Be upfront. "I have a trauma history that involves LE. How do WE handle that?"

you aren't talking about what happened . You are identifying a possible conflict of interest and asking for his suggestions on how you will proceed as a team. If you like his answer you keep working with him. If you don't like it then you ask him to refer you to someone else who is a better fit.

It's not uncommon in the therapy world to have challenges with the person you see at first....if he's good at his job he won't even think twice about it and he will do a brief review with you to find someone who is a better fit. Seriously...it should be a non event

 

[lutz0660]

Be upfront. "I have a trauma history that involves LE. How do WE handle that?"

you aren't talking about what happened . You are identifying a possible conflict of interest and asking for his suggestions on how you will proceed as a team. If you like his answer you keep working with him. If you don't like it then you ask him to refer you to someone else who is a better fit.

It's not uncommon in the therapy world to have challenges with the person you see at first....if he's good at his job he won't even think twice about it and he will do a brief review with you to find someone who is a better fit. Seriously...it should be a non event

It’s a good thought. I have had lots of great advice here. I suppose I will incorporate some from each one of you during my next session and see how it all goes.

 

[Justmehere]

I have done therapy before and I've gotten to a good place where it's ok to openly say that you were abused. I have told cops before and it's never been an issue. Difficult yes, but an issue? No. So why then can I not bring myself to say anything more than simple descriptor words like "handsy"?

In addition to asking your therapist how to talk about trauma by a perp who also had a job as an LE... start with what you can, and say there is more but you are struggling to say it. It’s ordinary in trauma therapy to get stuck and struggle with saying the hard stuff. It’s a form of the PTSD symptom of avoidance. Therapists are trained to help.

She thought that she needed to be the strong one that could go through all these awful things so that no one else had to. And she thought that this was ok! I was also envious of her strength. She did the one thing I never could do as a kid. She stopped her abuse. She told her story.

You. Survived. You did it the best damn way you could and for that, you should be proud. Comparing yourself to a girl and her sister who are both going to have a lifetime of turmoil of their own, in a different way, isn’t the path to healing. Killing an abuser doesn’t actually end the pain. Having your sister kill your rapist dad on your 6th birthday makes for one hell of a trauma anniversary. While the grass looks greener on her side of the fence, it’s not likely greener. Just a different pain. Don’t fall into the trap of comparison. She fought. You froze (got silent). Both are survival responses. Let your perp have al their shame and self blame back. You don’t need to take it on. I sometimes see someone do what I wish I could have done about responding to my abuse more quickly, and even what I do with my life now, and it can catch me up too... but it’s rarely actually as simple or as ideal as we would like.

I am so tired of this bullshit getting in the way of my life, yet I don't know how to prevent it. I will never understand what an adult sees sexually in a child. It doesn't matter the gender. Children are little humans with big emotions who need to be cared for and loved and never hurt the way I was...

I’ll never get it either.

Keep working on fighting to get your voice back. Every time you can get a little closer, you are undoing the old messages of the past.

 

[lutz0660]

In addition to asking your therapist how to talk about trauma by a perp who also had a job as an LE... start with what you can, and say there is more but you are struggling to say it. It’s ordinary in trauma therapy to get stuck and struggle with saying the hard stuff. It’s a form of the PTSD symptom of avoidance. Therapists are trained to help.

You. Survived. You did it the best damn way you could and for that, you should be proud. Comparing yourself to a girl and her sister who are both going to have a lifetime of turmoil of their own, in a different way, isn’t the path to healing. Killing an abuser doesn’t actually end the pain. Having your sister kill your rapist dad on your 6th birthday makes for one hell of a trauma anniversary. While the grass looks greener on her side of the fence, it’s not likely greener. Just a different pain. Don’t fall into the trap of comparison. She fought. You froze (got silent). Both are survival responses. Let your perp have al their shame and self blame back. You don’t need to take it on. I sometimes see someone do what I wish I could have done about responding to my abuse more quickly, and even what I do with my life now, and it can catch me up too... but it’s rarely actually as simple or as ideal as we would like.

I’ll never get it either.

Keep working on fighting to get your voice back. Every time you can get a little closer, you are undoing the old messages of the past.

I slowly work to get my voice back, but it's not easy. Try having a department that doesn't have any peer support and there is no one to talk to, plus a divide between volunteers and paid staff. I do not have a voice, and when I'm having a bad day at the department I have to keep it to myself. If I tell the wrong person then the Chief's get involved and I may not be able to volunteer. Yet, if I say I need to talk about something difficult, there is no one to talk to.
So, I turn to therapy, only I am too scared to actually tell my therapist everything that is going on. I feel like typing on here gives me distance from the issues. I don't have to see a face so somehow the people seem less physically real. You don't know me and you can't see me. It's easier.
I was thinking about it today a little. We went to a MVA call and I watched the four officers that responded. I watched how they interacted with people and it hit me. My therapist has a very similar personality to the cop that abused me. It is a terrible excuse, but I don't know where he stands on the topic. I don't know how to bring it up, and I don't know if he will see me as dirty or disgusting, or if he will see me as the kid that was helpless and could not protect myself. It terrifies me to know that someone could judge me. I have never actually told my whole story to anyone, forum or otherwise.