Childhood Uncovering more: what would you do?

[Deleted member 48341]

I have been uncovering more about my past. So far I have my mom is emotionally absent, my aunt sexually abused me and had her old boyfriend sexually abuse me. I can’t tell my mom bc she would deny it. So I feel alone. I also have a little sister and wonder if it happened to her too? I don’t want to ask her though bc if she doesn’t remember and I bring it up it could retraumatize her. None of us our in danger now bc my aunt stopped the abuse when we were old enough to know it was wrong! She can say mean things a lot of the times but I choose to just ignore her.

Can anyone relate? What have u done or doing now to heal?

Btw I am in therapy right for my eating disorder

 

[laverite]

Hi, I'm so glad you're reaching out here. It's so great that you are wanting to deal with this past abuse and get healing. I'll share my experience, and offer some tips, but I also have questions. I'm wondering how old you are, if you live with your mom or aunt, and if you have a support system (close friend, pastor, school counselor, support group). I also experienced sexual abuse (from my father), and keeping it a secret from the other family members was not helpful. Even if your mom denies it (which is one way of simply not dealing with it), it's important that you tell her what happened and let her know how it has affected your life. It's also important that you confront your aunt and hold her accountable for what she did to you. Perhaps you would need someone to be with you when you do this. It's not easy, but these types of family secrets, when kept hidden, only perpetuate. You may want to consider distancing yourself from your aunt, as that is not a healthy relationship, and it sounds like you have to do a lot of pretending around her. This won't help you heal. I went to several counselors and finally ended up in a support group at my church, which helped tremendously, as did my faith in God. I thought for so long that forgiving my father was something he didn't deserve, but when I understood that the lack of forgiveness was keeping ME imprisoned in an endless cycle of hate, rage, revenge, depression, and intense stress, I was able to forgive with God's help. Then I was set free from those things. I severed my relationship with my father who would not "fess up" to what he did. The healing process is gradual and I've had to remind myself many times that I am not defined by what happened to me. I have chosen to accept my past, not live forever as a victim, and move forward with the life God intended for me and the life I want to have. I want to remind you that you are a precious woman, that your life is valuable, that you have worth because God says you do, that you are loved, that you have been given gifts and talents to share with the world, and that you CAN be victorious over this past abuse and go on to live a beautiful life. I hurt for what you went through, as I know that pain deeply. I'll be praying for you.

 

[Deleted member 48341]

Hi, I'm so glad you're reaching out here. It's so great that you are wanting to deal with this past abuse and get healing. I'll share my experience, and offer some tips, but I also have questions. I'm wondering how old you are, if you live with your mom or aunt, and if you have a support system (close friend, pastor, school counselor, support group). I also experienced sexual abuse (from my father), and keeping it a secret from the other family members was not helpful. Even if your mom denies it (which is one way of simply not dealing with it), it's important that you tell her what happened and let her know how it has affected your life. It's also important that you confront your aunt and hold her accountable for what she did to you. Perhaps you would need someone to be with you when you do this. It's not easy, but these types of family secrets, when kept hidden, only perpetuate. You may want to consider distancing yourself from your aunt, as that is not a healthy relationship, and it sounds like you have to do a lot of pretending around her. This won't help you heal. I went to several counselors and finally ended up in a support group at my church, which helped tremendously, as did my faith in God. I thought for so long that forgiving my father was something he didn't deserve, but when I understood that the lack of forgiveness was keeping ME imprisoned in an endless cycle of hate, rage, revenge, depression, and intense stress, I was able to forgive with God's help. Then I was set free from those things. I severed my relationship with my father who would not "fess up" to what he did. The healing process is gradual and I've had to remind myself many times that I am not defined by what happened to me. I have chosen to accept my past, not live forever as a victim, and move forward with the life God intended for me and the life I want to have. I want to remind you that you are a precious woman, that your life is valuable, that you have worth because God says you do, that you are loved, that you have been given gifts and talents to share with the world, and that you CAN be victorious over this past abuse and go on to live a beautiful life. I hurt for what you went through, as I know that pain deeply. I'll be praying for you.

Thanks so much for the support. I am 22 years old and I live with my mom. I keep telling myself it’s not a big deal and to just move on bc it happened a long time ago. But I feel like Keeping in all my emotions I until something triggers me then I’m like crap I have to deal with this. But I don’t want to leave my mom because I love her and I’m not going to let what my aunt did ruin my moms and i’s relationship

 

[Kubash16]

I am so so sorry. I live with my mom who allowed and participated my stuff so I get it. I am so glad you are in therapy, it hurts like hell but it helps. I’m slowly working towards going no contact.

 

[laverite]

Thanks so much for the support. I am 22 years old and I live with my mom. I keep telling myself it’s not a big deal and to just move on bc it happened a long time ago. But I feel like Keeping in all my emotions I until something triggers me then I’m like crap I have to deal with this. But I don’t want to leave my mom because I love her and I’m not going to let what my aunt did ruin my moms and i’s relationship

I understand that you love your mom, but is it possible to tell her the truth (oh, such relief in that!) and also tell her that your goal is to maintain a great relationship with her but also have her know what is REAL and TRUE for you? The purpose of telling her isn't for her to agree with you that it happened; the purpose is so that your relationship with her is based on reality and truth. She needs to know why you have an eating disorder and why you sometimes have emotions that seem to bubble up. Maybe she would end up being a support and encouragement for you. I can guarantee you that this event in your life won't go away just because it happened a long time ago; stuffing your emotions and telling yourself "it's not a big deal" (it most certainly is!) is unhealthy and is preventing you from experiencing deep, whole healing. Please treat yourself with kindness and care; you only have this one life to live, and God (and I) want you to experience life to the fullest, with freedom from the pain of your abuse and freedom to move forward without carrying this heavy load that weighs you down. I'm praying that you will seek wholeness and total healing. Are you a person of faith? If so, I hope you'll find a way to connect to a support group at your church or another church for people who've been abused. If not, I urge you to consider a relationship with God who wants to fully heal your pain and restore what has been taken from you. God bless you!