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What Are You Feeling Today? Not Thinking, Rather Feeling! Can You Identify Yours?

Not relieved, but some relief.
Feeling by my head like I'm going to have a stroke.
Missing my aunt on what have would have been her birthday.
Tired, grateful, afraid, sad, overwhelmed, trapped.
 
Well, strange, Jean Vanier died today I just heard, which is the anniversary of my dad's death, so I won't forget.

And the words he found and put to describe what I to feel/ found/ believe, is one of the primary reasons I stopped pursuing becoming a doctor, but more specifically why I could not endure the personal ethical ramifications of Genetic Counselling. Which sounds like a failure, but actually I take as a gain. But could never articulate it, as he did, so for his words & understanding I am thankful.

Because stranger still, my dad's circumstances of death blew what still remains with me wide-open, and I live with, every day. But it remained with me (profoundly) that it was a profoundly-mentally challenged woman my sister cared for who took it upon herself to sign a card (a huge feat) and bring it to me, and she looked like she had a thundercloud over her head, she had so much sorrow and grief and sadness for me, not just in that moment but for reasons I don't understand stayed with her, and focused on me (I had not spent that much time with her) . And it was the greatest example of the Most Perfect and beautiful and genuine heart I had ever seen, and influenced my decision entirely.

I feel many other things, but do not have the energy or words.
 
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ETA, I suppose she became the face, not of the baby that is not yet seen, which everyone mostly focuses on, but the adult who, yes, is profoundly obviously deficient in what is deemed the standard for existence and value, yet had more sincerity, love and genuineness than everyone. Counselling's intent was never to present a situation and resources, and then choose; I was too naive to think it was otherwise.

People on rare occasion now (mostly as a 'dig') will say to me, "If you are so smart, why do you do what you do?" So I say, "well, thank you, yes (technically anyway), I am (was?) that smart, so I chose what I did because my hign intellect tells me I know you are of that value. Do you think you are of that value?" Which, if nothing else, ends the conversation.
 
ShootMe mood.

As in no, not able to deal with the demands. & By the time I hit the I would rather be dead than listen to this BS one more time, I clearly needa pause.
 

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