So I have been triggered for days and didn't even realize it! But it just now hit me -- not sure why, but now I feel muuuuch better and kind of excited that I got out of it.
I've been angry at a few people, lately, so I guess it's understandable. I NEED to do something about this fake service dog a professor has though, because that dog has attacked Nestle several times now before she got that stupid vest through Amazon. It's been a week but I'm still trying to formulate a mature response that doesn't accuse anyone, though I know she did it. My friend was trying to get a service dog for PTSD and was unable to because of this fake dog, which makes me even angrier. I've been okay with that anger, though, because the activist side of me is beginning to feel comfortable with using anger to find solutions, legally and with the least amount of issues. (As in, not immediately calling the police because they might make the issue worse; then again, I have reported this dog over and over without using the dog's name to prevent her being put down, but this professor is hilariously stupid apparently.)
But anyway -- another professor, one in my master's program -- she pushed all my buttons without ever even saying anything directly to me. It started just after we finished our final projects for the course. The assignment was 40-50 pages for all of us, and our professor is expected to grade all of them within a week.
This is a very hardworking individual. I get the impression of that. Mainly from the fact that she got a publisher to actually sign on to her novel during the last ten weeks, and I know that didn't happen by the professor being laid back and unfocused. But I did get the feeling that something was slightly up in a few ways, mostly things I won't mention here because they might come across strangely without proper explanations that no one needs here. But she was still acting kindly towards us even with setbacks and mistakes.
Then a few days ago she sent the most immature grumpy email (to the entire class) that I'd ever seen from a professional in general. Basically telling people off for doing the project incorrectly. And that was the trigger -- me thinking she was attacking the class.
I was given an A+ and she loved my work and organization. But I felt like she was attacking my peers, and I felt she was out of line by becoming unprofessional.
But in my mind, it reminded me immediately of my mom, sister, and my sister's (then) boyfriend making fun of my brothers for their efforts to clean this stupid house. They would reward me and then make fun of them, and when I said I wasn't fine with that, they began saying it was "okay" because it wasn't me they were making fun of.
That was already a re-traumatizing event anyway -- that reminded me of my dad liking me for some reason while literally wishing my other siblings were dead.
But, that's not dangerous when talking about the unprofessional professor. She is being a bit abusive, though, from what I can reasonably tell, and I've taken screenshots and will use them in my evaluation after the course has officially ended. It doesn't feel good to be favored in any way, even when I'm not being favored for bad reasons (did that sentence even make sense?). What I mean is that I did work hard on that project and did follow the organization requested of me, but I'm unwilling to give feedback for how to "make" other students have my organization because the other students aren't me. There have been some students who have been consistently late on everything and maybe that's part of what's going on, but how am I supposed to know them, how their minds work, or how their lives are going? And shaming them and acting disappointed doesn't really help. The nice-to-suddenly-angry thing is just showing a lack of empathy and professionalism and, more personally, the inability to regulate her own emotions. She's clearly offended over this, but it's also clear that she procrastinated and stressed herself out, and she can't take that out on students.
Plus, these students are supposed to be her colleagues on day. Awkward.
Anyway, I just talked to my mom and she is sort of the same way. Not regulating herself in any way, randomly saying frightening things to me just to do it -- apparently not to get any kind of solution. Ugh.
At least a lot of the dung flies are gone. They're still really stressing me out though.
Okay. Time to apply to some more jobs. yAaAaAaY.
