General What are they thinking?

[anon1234]

One more useful link: The limbic system

Survival mode!

 

[lostforgottensoul]

This may come out way harsher than I want it to but.... Hun. He is a grown man. He's been in the military. He's done shit he can never tell you about. He's been hurt in ways he can never share with you -- even if you think he has told you everything.

He. Is. A. Grown. Man.

I think supporters sometimes forget that and they end up making us into their child.
Into a project
Into something they can fix.

But they can't.

He knows what he is doing is messing him up. He knows some of his choices could potentially cost him everything. He knows what he needs to do to get healthy and sane and be a better person. He knows he needs to change. I think it's pretty safe to say we all end up in that place at some point or another (if ya ask hubby hes gonna say more than once!)

But
He's not going to do anything until he is ready.
He may never be ready
These are HIS choices. Are they bad ones? yep.
But they are his.

Supporters often want to make us into someone else. Into the person they think we can be, if we can just get thru this. The person that they see under the ptsd. And I love that they can see that person and want so badly to help us get there.

But
We're not children to guide to a better life.
We have to make that choice.
He is a grown man

Sadly I don't have any suggestions other than letting us be who we are. And that may be someone who ends up homeless, estranged from his entire family and drug addicted before he is ready to do the recovery work. If this is the path he chooses you may have to step aside and let him fall.

Honestly I have no idea how the supporters can do this -- how they stand by us even when we get impossible. But I do know that you HAVE to take care of yourself too. Don't let him make you crazy because you want more for him than he wants for himself.

I know this was a while ago and it will only quote some of this but this! All of this! Yelled from the roof tops (at all of my "supporters").

That's what I'm thinking today!

I always wanna say stuff in here (what am I thinking) but never know how to is there's always a convo happening in here that I'm cutting into so alpologies for that!

 

[Freida]

I always wanna say stuff in here (what am I thinking) but never know how to is there's always a convo happening in here that I'm cutting into so alpologies for that!

No apologies - jump on in! Half the conversations I start are just random nonsense running thru my head at that particular time and I get lost all the time in what I've said when :laugh:

 

[Freida]

Random thought number 3426...... The dreaded anniversary

I have had one running for the last week or so. Not the worst, not the least, somewhere in the middle. I've been a bit bitchy and isolated a lot but as drama fests go it's been pretty low key. Until about an hour ago when I suddenly started throwing up. That's the thing about those anniversaries.....when your body remembers what your mind can't face.

I just assumed it was food poisoning until hubby looked at me and said "it's the last day of this round isn't it?". Huh. How bout that. He was right. Once he connected the dots for me I was able to think about it and remember . Oh ya...that. - it's the echo of hours of puking back then. Still hurts like hell ...both physically and emotionally. but knowing why it was happening led me to a different round of coping skills

so why do I bring it up? Because I have a fabulous supporter who notices things. Who helps me remember and keep track of when the past crosses into the present. Who doesn't have a fit when i forget that my issues affect both of us. Who takes the time to help me sort it out so it doesn't overwhelm me even if it means losing sleep in the middle of his work week

Yep....basically it's a shout out to all the supporters out there who put up with our crap and sometimes work as hard as we do to help us stay grounded and functional...and they do it just by paying attention.
Y'all do not get enough kudos. So I thought I'd put a few out there for you...:hug:

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Yep....basically it's a shout out to all the supporters out there who put up with our crap and sometimes work as hard as we do to help us stay grounded and functional...and they do it just by paying attention.

How do I get a supporter like that?

My only "supporters" (if you can call them that) are gone. :(

I have had one running for the last week or so. Not the worst, not the least, somewhere in the middle. I've been a bit bitchy and isolated a lot but as drama fests go it's been pretty low key. Until about an hour ago when I suddenly started throwing up. That's the thing about those anniversaries.....when your body remembers what your mind can't face.

I tend to forget too and I'm like "why did this suddenly come to mind out of nowhere? Or why am I so isolated? And then I remember in therapy, oh snap! It was an anniversary last week (or when ever)!

 

[Freida]

My only "supporters" (if you can call them that) are gone. :(

I got damn lucky with hubby and bestie... pretty much the rest bailed once things got tough. Was hard to accept but my brain was exploding so it didn't register for a long while.

I tend to forget too and I'm like "why did this suddenly come to mind out of nowhere? Or why am I so isolated? And then I remember in therapy, oh snap! It was an anniversary last week (or when ever)!

This happened to me so many times that I finally wrote the dates down so I can get ahead of them -- sort of. :laugh:

 

[LuckiLee]

Thanks @Freida!!

This shit ain't easy but it's alot easier when our sufferer shares what they can with us. I can't help with processing his trauma but I can help with how he/we deal with his symptoms. Your hubby is one of a kind. I hope after J and I have been together 25 years I can say "uh, aren't you're in the middle of an anniversary date, Mr. screamy yelly pukey guy? ?❤?

J has so many anniversary dates it's impossible to keep track of them. (I guess I should try though. hmm?) I end up googling random dates related to Rangers or conflicts in different countries. I can also refer to (both of )his dd214. He received 2 bronze stars in one month in 2 different countries. March sucks!!

I would have thrown in the towel years ago if I hadn't found this forum. I've learned so much from you, Friday, Sweet pea, Sighs, Anthony and everyone else who shares their struggles and knowledge here. I've laughed hysterically and cried tears of joy and sorrow being on this forum.

So kudos to you ALL for helping me be a better supporter! J and I love you for.....You!

✌& ❤

 

[Sweetpea76]

I’d done the same thing @LuckiLee... found specific trauma dates from the news reports, DD214, and OERs. It’s eerie reading them when you know the backstory that goes with it.

It’s a huge help though... he remembers the traumas but he has no concept of the dates. It’s weird how there is some kind of internal clock keeping score.

Any information I have is a tool.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Mr. screamy yelly pukey guy?

Bahaha!

he remembers the traumas but he has no concept of the dates. It’s weird how there is some kind of internal clock keeping score.

Yes. I am like that too. I'm like "f*ck, why am I so symptomatic" and come to find out, I'm a month into a long anniversary. Like, f*ck! Would of been nice to have seen that coming but, noooo!

I am the same with everything. A whole month can go by and I'm like, f*ck, where did Feb go? It's June already? Like, ughhhh!

 

[LuckiLee]

^^^That's probably why J is so bad with dates?.? He barely knows what day it is half the time.

Absolutely @Sweetpea76. Knowledge is power! J used to get upset with me sometimes because I was always on this forum. He thought I was trying to doctor him when it was the opposite. I was trying to figure out how I can cope with ptsd.

He doesn't mind anymore because I've shared information and tips with him and it's all been positive. He's even asked me what does your forum say about xyz?

 

[lostforgottensoul]

He barely knows what day it is half the time.

OMG! So me! Just yesterday I was like "Is it Sunday or Monday? Wait, or Tuesday? f*ck!" I am always double checking my phone, several times a day to remind myself what day it is. My memory is shit! I will walk in a room, forget what I want, walk out, remember what I wanted in the room, walk in and forget again. This goes on all day. It's ridiculous and frustrating! I think a lot of it is anxiety caused cause the mind is always swirling and never stops. Ever!

He's even asked me what does your forum say about xyz?

Awww, that's sweet!

 

[Freida]

It’s weird how there is some kind of internal clock keeping score.

I finally had to write my dates down so I could some kind of preparation for them because it runs like clockwork

He barely knows what day it is half the time.

If I couldn't check my calendar I would have no idea either!

He's even asked me what does your forum say about xyz?

That's awesome!