If You Didn't Have A Chance To Build A Self Before Complex Trauma

[ms spock]

So bit by bit you learn to be a bit more present and then you go from there. And it's really hard when you had such severe sexual abuse, neglect, abuse and violence. It's really hard to break down the corrosive self doubt. My gut is good. My gut is really good.

 

[VioletButterfly]

I am getting as far as "whom" I am - a child of God and all that this entails - I am grateful. I know that I have certain qualities - talents in the workplace, compassion, kindness, intelligence, goodness, etc....

Also, that I really need to listen to my gut instinct at this point. I am able to have conversations with myself now regarding how I didn't listen in the past and the consequences of those decisions. I am able to have a multi-faceted conversation with myself about my reactions and what the best decision is for me is in certain moments (I know that I am easily triggered from PTSD, that my brain is starved from an ED and AL, and that I need to give myself a minute for "rationality" to enter the equation unless I'm in an emergent situation). If it's emergent, well then, I trust myself 100%. That I should, generally, trust myself over others in many situations and that sometimes I need to ask for time before making big decisions.

I ask for and give myself time nowadays when I can manage it. I'm dismantling the "rules" I've been given in this life, thus far. Who set those rules anyway? This is my life, my world, my experience - Maybe I need to define some boundaries and deal breakers, and not be so afraid? ( This is a goal in progress!!!!)

I am working on trusting in myself and being compassionate when I am upset/afraid/confronted, etc.. Trying to believe that I can help myself, believe that maybe I know better about who I am and what's going on with me rather than trusting others.

Just a lot of standing my internal ground while I'm melting down from what the World does to me and praying to God for Grace. Yep, one small moment at a time.

Much more to work on and ground to cover, but I've made progress,

 

[ms spock]

Also, that I really need to listen to my gut instinct at this point.

I am so there with you!

I am able to have conversations with myself now regarding how I didn't listen in the past and the consequences of those decisions.

I have also been having this conversation with myself.

I am able to have a multi-faceted conversation with myself about my reactions and what the best decision is for me is in certain moments (I know that I am easily triggered from PTSD, that my brain is starved from an ED and AL, and that I need to give myself a minute for "rationality" to enter the equation unless I'm in an emergent situation).

That is great. This is the next step for me to learn how to think and be in the "rationality" space.

If it's emergent, well then, I trust myself 100%.

That's great. I am still struggling with this.

That I should, generally, trust myself over others in many situations and that sometimes I need to ask for time before making big decisions.

Yes yes! This! This!

I ask for and give myself time nowadays when I can manage it.

That's awesome!

I'm dismantling the "rules" I've been given in this life, thus far.

That is so totally awesome! Wow! I am doing this every so slowly.

Who set those rules anyway?

Such a good question! Such a good question!

This is my life, my world, my experience - Maybe I need to define some boundaries and deal breakers, and not be so afraid? ( This is a goal in progress!!!!)

What a goal! That's great!

I am working on trusting in myself and being compassionate when I am upset/afraid/confronted, etc..

Wow I am trying to remember to do this but I often forget. I forget to do this for myself.

Trying to believe that I can help myself, believe that maybe I know better about who I am and what's going on with me rather than trusting others.

Wow that is so amazing!

Just a lot of standing my internal ground while I'm melting down from what the World does to me and praying to God for Grace. Yep, one small moment at a time.

Standing your internal ground. I so want to stand my internal ground.

Much more to work on and ground to cover, but I've made progress,

That's amazing! I am following your path! I am not as long along the path as you are but I am really on your path! So great to read your experiences. I am not alone.

 

[VioletButterfly]

If I may... (((((((@ms spock ))))))) You are not alone. :) Thank you for your thoughtful responses. I'm glad that it made sense and was relatable to you.

A lot of work on self-worth right now. Many curve balls keep coming at me and my mind is all in for a tennis match in this regard. Thank goodness I have Grace as my doubles partner! :)

 

[VioletButterfly]

Still working on self-worth and confidence. A lot of soul-singing going on in my world right now. Trying to ground myself in "whose" I am and holding tightly to what I've been and am being told is the truth, the light, and the way. So grateful for the support I do have in this regard. Much work to do. <3

 

[ms spock]

Moi aussi @VioletButterfly Moi aussi

 

[ms spock]

I am almost able to be present in my body with other people in the room. I am actually doing it on and off now.

 

[VioletButterfly]

"A lot of soul-singing going on in my world right now."

Ah, that's soul-singeing, not singing, although I'm listening to a lot of singing by others, i.e. music. :)

Really struggling with this as I HAVE to get back to work and feel incapable of doing much more than typing. I found that when I skipped a few days of reading my devotional and being present with myself this past week, my whole mental world started to turn south and my anxiety spiked. I also wasn't writing every day in my journal or consciously practicing self-compassion. I told myself that I "tried" each day to do what I could do, but hmmm...., I wasn't doing the work I needed to help myself beyond keeping the apartment decent. ED was off the hook as well. From this, I'm taking it that I need to practice daily and all day to stay in a better place. I need structure.

It's like I weakened my internal levy and all of the negative thoughts and lies, shame and visuals representing those situations, and FEAR, along with behaviors, rushed forward and blew it apart. Ugh. It feels much more difficult to work on this "getting healthier" thing when I'm consciously trying to do so. I'm not so good with consistency and seeing that there is a cost in continuing to live my life the way I have been.

I'm working on the concept that I have to do this for myself because it is my responsibility.... Why? Because I'm "worth" it and because continuing to live this way is a life not "worth" living anymore. Stomach just dropped. Reality check. Yes, a challenge for me!

I wish I hadn't hurt my ankle. I can't believe it's still so painful and swollen. Heck, one month gone. I do my best thinking and feeling when I'm out amongst the trees. sigh. :(

I am almost able to be present in my body with other people in the room. I am actually doing it on and off now.

That's really awesome @ms spock! I know how hard that is. I stay in a bubble these days and isolate. Going back to work is going to be interesting. I'm kind of afraid that I won't be able to carry on a conversation.

 

[ms spock]

I sang my first song today @VioletButterfly!

 

[VioletButterfly]

@ms spock :) Big thumbs up!

 

[ms spock]

I stay in a bubble these days and isolate. Going back to work is going to be interesting. I'm kind of afraid that I won't be able to carry on a conversation.

As long as you read up about the weather, keep a couple of funny cat/dog videos on your phone, read a few special interest mags, a couple of newspapers, watch a few movies etc you will be fine. Listening is an underestimated skill.

Deep listening some people rarely get it. If you ask questions and listen deeply people will really appreciate it.

 

[VioletButterfly]

From this, I'm taking it that I need to practice daily and all day to stay in a better place. I need structure.

I awoke panicking as the days are ticking down for me. So, I am practicing..... I have read my devotional, showered, eaten, taken supplements, and am now preparing to apply to some of the jobs I found this morning. The resume is still pretty dense, but I am going to apply anyway because I think it shows the fearful part of me that I am strong enough to apply and that I believe I am capable enough to go through an interview, hold a job if it's offered, and to take care of myself. I am not helpless and the situation/my life is not hopeless. I guess I'm trying to demonstrate more walk along with all the reassuring/patient talk to myself.

Deep listening some people rarely get it. If you ask questions and listen deeply people will really appreciate it.

Thank you for reminding me of this. I used to be able to do this. I was in business development for nonprofits for Pete's sake. Oy! P.S. I do love those animal videos, and I also have a Pinterest account and love to look at little piggies, dogs, giraffes, dolphins, etc.... all things cute, I guess. Oh, and butterflies! :)