Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

[littleoc]

Y’all, there’s a bird stuck in the wall and no way to save her :(

There’s a long story associated with this but I’m too tired/exhausted to type it. But I didn’t want to say “a disturbing thing just happened but I don’t feel like talking about it,” because that’s not nice :P

Anyway. Long story short I’m frustrated at this situation. And everything surrounding it — literally. RIP critter.

There also hasn’t been food for days and my mom suddenly pulled out a vegetable lasagna so my mind’s busy going between “wow what a terrible way to die, this is why I’m glad I’m not immortal” to “that sucks so much, I wish I could at least end her suffering” to “goddamn I’m excited for food, sure glad I’m not stuck in a pit for the rest of my life.”

Oof.

 

[littleoc]

Also my brain has been adjusting fine to the lack of food for very long periods of time, as well as accidentally staying up late (as long as I get at least six hours of sleep, but eight or more is still preferred).

So my brain must be doing pretty okay at this point. I consider myself very lucky.

And I really wish I could help that bird. I really tried but there’s nothing I can do.

 

[littleoc]

Idea: Call the Jewish Foundation and ask for food help.

 

[littleoc]

Hm. Wouldn’t fix the lack of a kitchen. So frustrating. Soooooooo frustrating.

 

[somerandomguy]

Explain your situation to the Jewish Foundation and that you need prepared food.

 

[littleoc]

I suppose that’s worth a shot. It wouldn’t hurt anything, probably.

 

[littleoc]

So my brain must be doing pretty okay at this point. I consider myself very lucky.

I just realized I wasn't clear about this. I meant that I think my brain has healed from the TBI stuff as much as it will, and it happens to be working GREAT! I'm sure I'll see more of it as I age, but for now, this is great.

I could also just be having some kind of weird ass stress response to living here, but even if that's true, I'm doing very well and I'm happy about it. Might as well be happy, anyway! :D

Hope you are all sleeping well. <3

 

[Freida]

I'm doing very well and I'm happy about it.

yay!!! :)

 

[littleoc]

I decided a bit ago that I wasn’t going to use those diary as a trauma diary until I was out of this house. Mainly because I have no safe space to go to, really.

But in my goal sheets I was supposed to be preparing to move out by now. Instead I’m sitting in the front yard preparing to go back inside to do more job applications and hoping that the open window I left in there is getting more flies to leave. I’m pretty sure they’re laying eggs in carpet or something.

Also my mom’s food stamp reward is $15 a month, so that was worthless. I’m still not eligible.

Looking into getting a teaching lisence.

I scolded my mom about part of the house being a disaster and she claimed it had always been like that even when I had proof that it hadn’t been like that. I had to ask where her sharps container is because I was terrified of stepping on it.

Turns out she’s still not treating her diabetes. Cool stuff.

Gonna email my rabbi for advice I think. I’m going crazy. I have all these flashbacks coming in and I’ve agreed to not talk about them here until it’s safe to do so, but now they’ve piled up so much that I’m dangerously overwhelmed all the time.

I see my new therapist tomorrow but I’m not close enough to her yet to even understand how to bring this up. There are rules when talking, and I can’t talk to her yet because her talking style are... I don’t even know how to word this? I don’t know how to talk back to her style yet. I’m not used to it. I feel like I’m talking to my boss or something.

My old therapist I get, even though she’d interrupt me all the time to tell me how her son was doing, and I’m positive she was making the situation worse for me instead of better. But I wasn’t able to tell her that, so...

Have I literally ever had a “normal” therapist? Weird.

Anyway, I’m really frustrated. Really, really, really frustrated. By the time i get work now, it won’t matter anymore. For a lot of reasons I can’t share here, but also because my mom still has no income and will need my money. I’m going nuts.

And everyone is being a dick. I’m not seeing any positives. Even my dog is miserable.

 

[littleoc]

I should have stayed in denial about needing to move out until after I got employed. These flashbacks are killing me.

 

[littleoc]

I guess I’ll just say it.

Nope, never mind, too ashamed.

I need to tell my mom to keep her trauma to herself.

 

[littleoc]

Ugh I’ve gone and made myself upset. Let’s fix that....

I’m NOT trying to move out right now. I’m only trying to get a paycheck. That’s all. And I’m doing a great job applying and watching for messages back.

I’m doing an excellent job surviving here. I’m not sure where my money went, but on the bright side, I’m getting out as much as I can and I’m staying social. I have a good friend not that far away who I can see as often as we want to hang out.

I don’t need to worry about anyone else. It’s all good. Even if it’s too small, I at least have a bed. And a roof over it. That’s pretty nice.