Now that I'm moved out, she keeps asking me to pick her up and to come over. Out of the blue.
^Can you agree to meet her somewhere else nearby that she can walk to and then you can both go somewhere safe to spend some time together?
He is probably abusing her.
^Maybe he is. In which case she may be struggling so dam hard to reconcile what she 'allowed' to happen to you and what is now happening to her?
We were the target but we moved out and now she is.
^Yep moving out is about the only option you would have ever had. Is she trying to move out too?
It triggers me to even go by that house. I now live far away.
^I can completely understand why the house would trigger you. You don't need to go back there do you?
Its like she's trying to pull me back to that. She said " I want someone to take care of me."
^I wonder if she's not really trying to pull you back to that but rather trying to get your help to get herself out too. I have little doubt she wants someone to to take care of her. That is probably the reason why she prevented you leaving the house when you were thirteen.
Abuse is never simple and often it's only when faced with dire consequences that women will leave. Inevitably they need a lot of support to make the decision to leave and not return though many do return numerous times.
Relationships where there is abuse are so hard to understand. You obviously knew you needed to go for your own survival. Would it be too hard for you to understand that possibly, at that time, she needed to stay for her own survival? I know it sounds wrong but often it is the way abuse sufferer's will believe regardless of how much danger they or the family are in. It's part of the abuse cycle.
Ive given her numbers to shelters and told her I can take her. But she really doesnt want to leave.
It's never easy or simple. Can you organise to take her to a shelter, introduce her to a social worker or a support worker who can then maintain contact with your mother independently of you? If you took her there - just for a visit and a meet up with a social worker and allowed her to see that she would be ok out of the relationship and where she could reside till she finds her feet maybe she would be less resistant.
Sometimes women need to be shown the way but then given the opportunity to have a think, to weigh up their own circumstances and make their own decisions. So even though you knew in your own situation you had no choice... she may believe she still has choices. Maybe she will not leave *him* until he pushes her too far. When she knows and has seen the alternative to his behaviour... she then might see a way forward.
^So..again this would lead to feelings of vulnerability at lots of different levels. She's probably always relied on other's (husband?) to take her places.
^Perhaps it will take a lot longer than you think it ought to - for her to accept your help. It takes a lot of support to eventually help a abuse survivor to leave a domestic situation for good.
Again, it might be worthwhile if you could help her make contact with real life ppl., who have been through a similar situation rather than some telephone numbers and an address.
She may be looking at you and the way you have left and think that you are ok because you've left. She may be in denial of how deeply you are affected by the abuse you endured. She may never understand completely.
And she is a trigger bc she was emotionally neglectful and didnt protect me and my sister from horrific physical abuse.
^Undoubtedly she is a trigger and made appalling decisions that have hurt you and your sister. You have to either work really hard at what has happened and what she did or didn't do that contributed to your childhood or, distance yourself. I don't see any other choices. She's either in your life because you want her to be or she isn't because you don't want her to be. The worst scenario I can think of is that you allow her to be in your life when you don't want her to be in it. It's really hard isn't it?
I feel like she is my mom and I have to protect her.
^Well.. maybe you don't
have to protect her.
You don't have to be responsible for her but if she needs help and you can work with her to find out what kind of help she wants and needs eventually she will not need you so much and your relationship could change for the better?
But its tearing me apart.
Yes.. because she's still your mother and at some level you are at this time, unable or unwilling to completely disengage from her. If this is out of love... then work at helping her but understand that ultimately she is responsible for making her own decisions. Just as you did.
But I feel wrong for doing so bc its my "mom."
Yeah... I can see why you would feel this way too. You can set up a routine of how and when you communicate with her that suits you rather than the other way around. Like telling her you can meet with her on certain dates each month at certain places but ONLY her. That you will ring every Sunday evening but only speak to her. I don't know how much or often you want to communicate but you can set up the boundaries of when, how and what you talk about.
I guess what I'm trying to suggest is that you don't have to actually be the person who saves your mother from this abusive situation. In fact it may well be impossible for you to do that. She has got to want to do it and no amount of pushing from anyone will make it happen faster than she actually wants. But you may be in a good position to offer her help and lead her out, if she will accept.
If you can understand that this is also really a very difficult path for her to navigate because really she is a domestic abuse sufferer too... then you may be able to understand her more and perhaps she will understand you better too. You have both lived under the same roof as this abuser after all?
