Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

[littleoc]

Idea: I’ll look for editing jobs. Why not? Lol

 

[bellbird]

Idea: I’ll look for editing jobs. Why not? Lol

Yes!! I mean, if you can submit an editing assignment whilst symptomatic, you've got a lot going for you there :)

 

[Freida]

:hug:

 

[littleoc]

My mom told me she’s out of money and I need a job to pay. At first I got upset because the boundaries are nonexistent in that statement. Then I realized I need to just go talk to her. So did. Told her I may only be able to work part time and I can’t just get a job because I’ve been very symptomatic lately and need my dog with me, and that lessens my options. That, and I NEED to move out. Nestle has nowhere to walk around during the day unless I take her on walks (and I can’t miss one because there’s no room for her to play here), and I needed to started training another dog two or three years ago and can’t even consider getting a new dog to train. So I won’t have much to spare...

So I told her to please go apply for disability. Suddenly she was much less serious, but she listened. So there’s that.

We aren’t having dinner tonight. Probably won’t for a few months. Things be like that sometimes.

I wasn’t able to take the cat to the vet. He was crazy loud all night, and so I had to let him outside. I know, I know, but you haven’t lived with this cat at night (he’s MADE to be outdoors only...), and I hadn’t slept for four days. I was unable to handle it. I saw him today and he’s fine.

Going to apply to a bunch of random jobs. Really not feeling well though. Need to walk my dog.

My mom understood. I’m no longer frustrated about it. Funny how much communication fixes things.

There’s definitely something more wrong with my muscles than “couldn’t exercise in a cage as a toddler.” Yoga should have built up my muscles by now, but instead, I’m covered in strains and my back hurts so much that it hurts to straighten it. I’m seeing people older than me do things I was able to do like at the start of this year, that I can no longer do. Because mitochondrial diseases are so rare and ive been told I probably don’t have MS (it runs in the family), I’m thinking it’s stress related somehow. I need to keep working the muscles out so that with the lower amounts of food don’t make THEM into food, but man has it become difficult.

I keep thinking about that weird ass passage at the end of Leviticus that says that if you reject the Lord that you’ll have no food and also end up with PTSD. It’s one of the only passages that makes me actually angry. I’m sure I just don’t understand it in its context. Everyone discussing it triggered the f*ck out of me and I’m so upset and embarrassed and POSITIVE it’s wrong, but I sort of missed the entire f*cking discussion so I’m not sure what they truly thought out it.

I SHOULD have left after the first flashback. When I thought I was in the hospital again. It was before anyone said a word about Leviticus and Nestle stood up and positioned herself to leave quickly, and I chose to ignore her because I’ve missed taking classes with people.. but my brain started seeing them as fellow-patients instead of class mates and the toasted bagel triggered me but I kept eating it because I don’t have enough food to frown at triggering food. And then I thought I was in a hospital and I couldn’t calm down. Thought I was going to die.

Listening to them all talk about DCS and child abuse and making sure kids had clear boundaries. Had another flashback about my brother before I finally decided to get up and leave. Wasn’t okay at all by then. I thought I was only leaving because I wanted attention but when I calmed down I realized how unwell I was. It’s going to take days to shake it off. The fact that I hadn’t had food or sleep didn’t help. I’m shocked I could drive home.

Almost couldn’t. I pulled into a Waffle House on the way home to nap. Hard to do when it’s so hot, so couldn’t do it for long unless I wanted to kill the dog and myself (I would never do that) but at least my eyes stayed open.

The wound in the cat’s head looks WEIRD. It’s just a hole with nothing in it. He’s okay, but man does looking at it give me the shivers. Reminds me of... something... ??? Maybe the time I got bitten THROUGH the hand by a cat? And couldn’t use it for a month and my parents wouldn’t take me to a doctor?

 

[littleoc]

Sorry, I know that’s a mess. My brain’s a little all over the place, I’m just dumping it out.

 

[littleoc]

I also keep thinking about the homeless camp. It was really disturbing.

 

[littleoc]

I just realize how out of it I must be, because I told my mom the house is making me symptomatic and I never share my emotions like that. Dang. Poor mom.

Anyway, I hope y’all are having good days, at least, and have a ton of things to be thankful for.

 

[littleoc]

Applied to be an editor. Attached a newspaper article I wrote in 2017. Now I feel cOoOoOol.

 

[bellbird]

Dang. Poor mom.

Sorry, but no.
Not poor mom.

You are doing absolutely everything you can in order to manage under properly awful circumstances.
Your emotions, and the fact that they're showing up more than usual, are so valid.

You are not at fault for anything there.

that weird ass passage at the end of Leviticus that says that if you reject the Lord that you’ll have no food and also end up with PTSD.

I’m so upset and embarrassed and POSITIVE it’s wrong

I'm aware that as an atheist my opinion of bible passages is going to be, ahem, toward the more critical end.. but whatever that passage is, it is very messed up and wrong.

Religious books, most religious books, are written in a way that will make people want to become a part of that religion.
ie. bad things will happen to the infidels and good things will happen to those who follow and follow the instructions within the book.
With so many religions, they need to attract followers somehow, right?

Particularly when the modern day Abrahamic religions were first forming, there would have been so many people preaching, and those with such harsh consequences for infidels are likely to have attracted a greater following.

You don't have PTSD because you are choosing to follow a particular religion or not, nor would you deserve that, @littleoc .
No one deserves a consequence of famine and mental illness for exercising their right to freedom of choice.

I may be an atheist myself, but I'll defend freedom of thought till the end.


Best of luck for the editing job, btw :hug:
And did you manage to get some sleep last night?

 

[Freida]

Ditto everything @bellbird said! I can't stand when people pick bible passages out of context to try to control others makes me crazy.

Can you go to a food bank? They don't ask any questions and you don't have to prove a specific need. They just feed ya.

I'm glad you told your mom. I think she needs to hear more about your struggles.

 

[littleoc]

Thank you, I hope I get it. It seems to be an entry job so that's in my favor probably.

I applied to a bunch of other jobs too. Most of them I take so long to get the application done that I fail to actually apply before someone else is hired. The case manager told me that happens a lot? I should start going to the library or something, because I bet people asking about my dog and wondering if the keyboard is clean would be easier than dealing with all these flies.

And yeah, that passage is always wrong. I wish I could have stayed for the discussion because they're all Reformed Jews so there's no way they interpret that God is evil. Yeah, no dash, lol. (I'm not implying that Orthodox Jews view G-d as evil, by the way.) I didn't know that my friend I've been slowly making there worked for DCS or else I may have tried to not make this my first ever showing in the class. And there was a child therapist who specialized in children who are traumatized and do play therapy. It was bound to be a discussion that was triggering. I'm frustrated at myself for being unable to stay, and I'm frustrated at the people who made this a problem for me. I wish I could sue my dad for damages or something. (That was a joke, dude's only possessions are trash and stuff his parents gave him.)

I guess I could ask my friend if she knew WW, the big black dude who terrified my dad when he showed up, lol. I loved that man so much. He had this thick accent I couldn't understand well (and my deaf brother couldn't at all) but he did his best to help us anyway and it was great. I'm sure she doesn't.

I found out she's in her fifties, fun fact. I thought she was 29... facial blindness is great. She told me she has a kid in her thirties and I was like, "Wait, you're thirty..."

I'm sure I'm seeing the passage out of context. Here's to sounding slightly nuts, but Fungus isn't religious at all in any normal sense of the word, so it's messing me up. I'm seeing very clearly the historical context of the passage, the pagan concepts, all the normal stuff. I know humans wrote this down, and I don't mind that. But some weird ass... piece? (I'm not comfortable with parts, but I think that kind of language works here) in my head was so disturbed and angry when I read this, and I can't really figure out why. Because, I mean, I already knew it was there. It's read in an undertone like the side effects of a prescription drug. Maybe it's my mild ass insecurity about not eating kosher (all for eco-kosher, though), or maybe something more serious. I'm wondering if FOCUSING on it was a problem, maybe because I don't understand how seriously or literally I need to take it? Which is, obviously, not at all. There's a commandment for not being gay and that one never bothered me, except when I was 12 but that's a long story that's currently irrelevant. I don't literally think that Adam and Eve showed up and were given all the other animals. I view the texts as allegorical, and so far my peers seem to as well.

I suppose that's just a long way to say that I don't know what's up with me. I'm thinking so hard about what triggered me and I don't know. Maybe it was the anger I felt. That suspicion that there's something evil about me, or something? But that's not right anymore either. I'm getting a headache trying to think about this, literally. Which means my brain is fighting me about this and there's something I'm not remembering. I guess.

It's ancient, that's all I know. It's sacred because it's holding together an entire people that has been spread all over the world. But if the passage were true, that would sort of imply that ... words about holocaust I'm not about to say, but you know what it is. The promise of there always being a Jewish people is held up, though. So that's really nice. The God I believe in wouldn't punish people that way, probably. I don't think I know how that would even work. I was raised around a ton of pagans so I guess that's affecting my view. Neo-paganism is pretty peaceful. So is Satanism.

There are a lot of atheist Jews so I think it's okay that I'm not exactly traditional, and no, I don't think my soul will cease existing because of it.

Talking about that is making me uncomfortable so I'm going to stop now. Just saying that because where I ended seems really sudden. Maybe it's just literally hating G-d that's the problem in that Leviticus passage. I hope I'm not stuck on this all week. I truly have no idea why this bothered me, when I don't even take it literally. Do I feel like a bad Jew or something? Was it just the suggestion of the PTSD? It was worded in a way that was without a doubt PTSD. "If you hate me I will make you be so traumatized that you'll keep reliving it and fleeing from your enemies even when they aren't there." I mean, it makes sense that would make me angry as f*ck. Triggering, though, I don't know. I need to hurry up and find some interpretation of this that jives with me so I can ignore it better. Not ignore. Whatever.








I slept a little. The cat wouldn't let me sleep so it took me letting him out at four am. It's after midnight now and I'm not really wanting to sleep again. I'm starting to think something's up with my brain this week. I did notice (I've been out of it, so it took me a long time to notice it) that the pharmacy gave me the wrong dose of my most important med. I also no longer have access to another med that cost more than $100 a month. It's not as critical though.

I don't know if my mom needs to hear more about my struggles or not. It seems to just make her feel terrible, which isn't what I want. I guess it is what it is though. My little bro tells her personal stuff a lot and he doesn't live here. I need to text him.

 

[littleoc]

Wow, that took me an hour to type? That's... strange? Maybe THAT's why Nestle was barking at me from outside the door. I have to keep the door closed now to keep the flies contained. I'm not sure why I still do that, though, because I have seen flies in other areas of the house. I think maybe I keep the door closed so the air filter I got for Dove actually helps the room she's in. It seems to be working wonderfully honestly. I haven't smelled mold in here for a while.