Working in the field again and feeling really numb

[Cypress]

Well I do medical stuff and I have just returned to working in the field. I was really anxious going in and I even tried a little medication for calm my system. Unfortunately my first day back I had to deal with a suicide attempt that resulted in a horrific life- threatening wound. The patient lived and I thought I did ok because I felt “fine”. But - now we are in the debriefing period and everyone on the team in this isolated environment where I work is processing heavy emotions except me. A co-worker even commented during a meeting that it seemed like I didn’t care. I got worried that I lacked empathy and messaged my therapist but he said, no, you are numbing from dissociation.

I know that the wise thing to do would be to leave here and go back to the admin stuff I was doing before - but I really need the financial independence that this field job offers- so I can get out of my abusive marriage.

I know I need to ground out of this numbness but I don’t know how or even if I want too. It’s easier feeling detached.

Has anyone ever experienced something like this? Numbing out of necessity? Did it help you or did you crash eventually? Is it self-helping or self-harming to stay numb right now?

 

[Ronin]

Shrug: It lets you work. It lets you save others, is the piece that matters, at least to my line of thinking. Judging it, one way or the other, is not the question here.

So the numbing out is working for you, but is distressing, if I am reading you right...
So what would comfort that distress around it? << Is what I would focus more on, not the numbing itself, since it is both necesary & useful.

Or, how to find detachment through something healthy.

 

[EveHarrington]

Most of us don’t go numb out of choice so I’m confused as to how it would be self harm?

 

[Cypress]

I’m confused as to how it would be self harm

I guess I feel like I want to be able to tolerate my emotions rather than dissociate them away. The feelings are there but just blocked out and unprocessed. When I have numbed out before it comes back around eventually in the form of too much alcohol or too much risk-taking or powerful emotion that comes out of nowhere and gets directed at someone who does not deserve it.

So the numbing out is working for you, but is distressing, if I am reading you right

Yes, the numbing is working and I am able to work but I am watching the team around me share their feelings spontaneously and support each other emotionally. They are doing this naturally without a therapist telling them how and I realized that this is what normal people do to stay mentally healthy. I would really like to be a part of that but I am just not able to.

I think I'm going to continue what feels safe emotionally right now - numbness - and sort this out with my therapist when I get home next month.

 

[Ronin]

I would really like to be a part of that

Got that, a lot.

However, you are doing the thing with your T, which is a team as well, & you *are* belonging to your work team, even if you cannot share the same things the same way.

 

[Freida]

I didn't realize it until I started ptsd therapy but in dispatch we actually teach our students how to go numb when they are working an emergency. We just haven't taught them how to come back --- which is why ptsd is rampant in dispatch. I'm guessing that's what you are doing... just pushing it aside so you don't have to deal.

It's a great skill to have in the moment of an emergency, but still a crappy one because learning to un-dissociate is so freaking hard. I've been working on it for 5 years and I'm only just now starting to understand when I do it and why, and how to bring myself back.

You aren't a monster. You have developed a great survival technique that has gotten the best of you right now. But it can improve -- you just need a good therapist and a lot of time to work it out. :)

 

[Cypress]

you are doing the thing with your T, which is a team as well,

You are right about this. I've scheduled a video call with my T. Hopefully the internet will hold up. I was hoping I wouldn't need him while I was here but I really do and that freaks me out as well- the old trust issues - but I know I'll feel better after we talk.

My work setting now is an isolated compound in an operational setting and the stuff I rely on to cope is not here. I realize I should have thought of this before I left. I would go to the gym here but its a lot of tough guys clanging iron and I feel intimidated.

The only plus is at least my parts are quiet. They know this is a situation that only the adult me can manage.

We just haven't taught them how to come back

This is true. The ability to compartmentalize is crucial to responding effectively in emergency situations but there is a difference between setting feelings aside for the moment and completely disassociating them. I think healthier people regroup mentally and emotionally after a crisis response without a lot of effort - especially if expressing feelings is normalized in the workplace. Then there are the rest of us who shut down and never come back or get drunk and cry.

you *are* belonging to your work team, even if you cannot share the same things the same way.

During the hours when I'm not working I hide in my room - which I know is bad. My team plays board games every night and I know I would feel better if I forced myself to hang out with them. I tell myself they don't want to be around me outside of clinic because I am their boss but I don't think that's true. They always ask if I want to join them.

 

[Freida]

I tell myself they don't want to be around me outside of clinic because I am their boss but I don't think that's true.

If they didn't want you there they wouldn't invite you. It's not like people who work in normal places. EMS folks? ya -- we don't fake liking anyone :laugh:

 

[Ronin]

I know I would feel better if I forced myself to hang out with them.

You say forced yourself...
Hey, what would make it fun instead? :sneaky:

Do they got your fave game on board? What games they got? :)

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

I worked in the medical field and loved it when I was mentally and emotionally healthy. I was the calm one in the storm and the one who had the answers or knew where to get them. I still miss it but can't multitask anymore. Ha! Doing one or two things is an accomplishment these days.

I don't know your story but it's obvious you have been through more than I can imagine in the EMS world. Hats off to your courage and hugs for your battered heart.

I think maybe you are able to disassociate as a way of getting through your first situations back on the job? I think it can be a strength to keep from getting too close to the situation. Now you know that at some point you WILL feel what you need to feel and are seeking help BEFORE you act out those feelings in a negative way.

I remember being told during training to not get emotionally attached to our patients. I never was able to be very detached but was able to deal with whatever came along in a healthy way. At work anyway...

Keep on keepin' on!?????

 

[hithere]

I numb out and dissociate automatically and I don't worry too much about it. I only wanted to ground and get in touch with my feelings so I could let them out and become more whole. This type of work sounds like it is helpful. Honestly I don't even think it's that unusual. I just don't think there is a "right" way or a "wrong" way to deal with hard things like suicide attempts.

Also, you might not even have any emotions around this event but does not mean you don't care or that you aren't a caring person. It means you were able to someone and work well with a team. If it was someone you loved I think it woul be different and is why physicians are trained to not treat their own family members.

It does sound like you are having some social anxiety, and I know how hard that is too. Hang in there - I hope things work out for you that you can do this type of work and gain some financial independance.

 

[hithere]

I wanted to add, that true dissociation for me would render me useless because in my dissociation my brain doesn't work-it's just empty. So I wonder if you were really "dissociating"? Or a different type of dissociating. I have this internal experience of parts. Last year had to do something really hard for me with a large group of people. A therapist I had seen suggested telling these parts to go play or go to sleep so that I could work with all the people. I needed my "wits" about me and needed to make quick decisions.

Oddly, the therapist was right. The younger parts really did not disturb me emotionally or my thinking. When it was over I went for a walk and once I was alone all those feelings and emotions that wasn't feeling during the whole situation came rolling out and I cried and cried for the whole 20 minute walk. Before I got back to the building the tears dried up and the emotions went to sleep again. It was really interesting.