Pushing myself too hard to get better

[somerandomguy]

I'm tired of PTSD. I'd really like to get on with the rest of my life, or at least figuring out what the rest of my life will look like. I've been trying to do some things that are really important to me that have turned out to be pretty triggering, and it makes me sad and upset.

My therapist compared it to going up a flight of steps. You can't get from the bottom to the top in one step. That's true, but I'd like to be able to be up at least a few steps up from where I seem to be right now.

I know part of my issue is my perfectionism, and that "I need to be perfect" is a core belief I have. I'm trying to deal with it, and also plan to do some EMDR on it in the future. Meanwhile, though, I feel demoralized and useless. Anyone else know what I'm talking about? Any advice?

 

[MrMoonlight]

I like that you push yourself but I guess we need balance. Somehow we need to rest as hard as we push. We need to acknowledge that we aren't at the bottom of the staircase anymore, if we look back we can see all the difficult steps we have already taken. With great strength and faith we took them. We can be so hard on ourselves sometimes.

You will be able to accomplish all the things you want in time. I've seen for myself just how far you have come.

 

[Ronin]

I feel demoralized and useless.

So what, for you, improves morale, gives you purpose (or if not purpose, something engaging to do), or, yet better, both simultaneously?

 

[somerandomguy]

I think I feel good if I'm too busy to think.

I made a list of things I want to do every day to help me get closer to being the ideal person I want to be.

• Job
• Family
• Service
• Advocacy
• Exercise
• Self-Care
• Recreation
• Chores
• Sleep

But I can only do everything on that list if I have a well-ordered plan and am completely 100% regulated. If I start feeling blah and begin to scroll on my phone, blam, it's all gone. And then why do anything at all since I've just screwed it all up?

 

[Ronin]

I made a list of things I want to do every day

Lot of things on that list are combos, though. Or, folded into other things.

I imagine thinking of them singularly & as separate activities of course leads to distress, its a lot to do each day.

But you are doing acts of service if you take care of yourself, it allows you to take care of your family better too, you are gaining energy *for* exercise if resting, advocating when taking care of one victim you can, being you, & such.

 

[ChildofGod]

PTSD steals away all of my energy, so I think I can relate. I am sorry it still has a strong pull on you. (Do self help books or taking medication or seeing a therapist help you? Those seem to help me, but I feel chained to PTSD too.)

Self care is pretty much everything. I hope that you can find help or ways to relax, if only relief for a while. Is there maybe a Male support group that you might be interested in?

I hope that you feel better soon and the PTSD effects lessen for you too.

 

[somerandomguy]

I think I was too hasty with my "too busy to think" reply. Sorry @Ronin. Or maybe that's only part of the story. I'm actually not sure where that came from, so maybe it's worth exploring.

Your reply was enlightening. I think if I knew that my activities would positively lead to helping either myself or someone else, I would be completely satisfied with that. But I'm never sure that things I do will help me in the long run. Some activities I know will help in the short run, like exercise. Some give me almost no benefit in the short run but supposedly will help in the long run, like meditation. Some I just have to imagine that maybe they'll do something for someone someday, like an article on abuse I am trying to write (and end up triggering myself by doing), yet I feel absolutely compelled to do it.

Combining activities does seem helpful. Wasting time on this message board might count for self-care when I get excellent advice like this thread, and can count for service if I can fool myself into thinking something I write might help someone else someday.

@Zencat, thanks for your reply. I'm kind of in between talk therapists right now, though hopefully my new one will work out, and am deep into some very unpleasant EMDR with another therapist.

I hope that you can find help or ways to relax,

This is an interesting thought. I'm not sure if I know how to relax. I typically just try to turn off my brain, which is different. Maybe some relaxing activities could help.

Is there maybe a Male support group that you might be interested in?

I'm in a couple of online groups but sadly nothing is available IRL where I live.

 

[Ronin]

I think if I knew that my activities would positively lead

I think that just isn't certainty for anyone with anything honestly. Not just you, nor what you do.

But just time. Hard to know results ahead.

something I write might help someone else someday.

The very act of writing, as in someone cares for the topic, is a lot.

Even if you were off about this or that? That you wrote about it counts.

I'm not even starting on the joy I got so often from Hell yeah, someone talks about this / we are not forgotten people / damn straight, this is bad written but for sure someone would argue this... or I might / directing others to brilliant articles for a read up.

It just matters it's THERE.
So totally worth writing the piece.

 

[Friday]

I know part of my issue is my perfectionism, and that "I need to be perfect" is a core belief I have. I'm trying to deal with it, and also plan to do some EMDR on it in the future. Meanwhile, though, I feel demoralized and useless. Anyone else know what I'm talking about? Any advice?

This is the place I hit right before I get suicidal as f*ck. Useless is a verr verr bad place for me. It’s worse, though, when I’m on the clock. (Better, stronger, faster, NOW). Once I’ve passed the deadline I’ve set for myself, things tend to ease up a lot... but when I’ve got a meter? (Kids growing up, not enough time, etc.?) Not being where I want, when I want, is gutting.

And then why do anything at all since I've just screwed it all up?

This is one thing that blocking time, so you can Tetris shit around, can help.

Most people seem to linear out their day (kinda like a 6yo talking about their day? First this, then that, then this, then that, AND THEN this, and that, and this, and that). If, at any point, one of those things falls flat/screws up/gets missed? The whole damn day is toast. Like pulling a domino out of line, the rest of the day doesn’t tick over.

Blocking time is more like a college schedule. The time slots can get filled up with anything. And if you miss French Revolutionary Politics Because FCK the Revolution (Vive la Resistance!) ? No reason to skip Math or Science. Much less lunch or the gym. One block of time works independently of every other block of time... unless I pollute them all with guilt/shame.

Tetris’ing shit, each new block of time is a new beginning? Saves. My. Ass.

 

[Wendell_R]

I think I feel good if I'm too busy to think.

I make a list of things to do so I don't end up in the doldrums, or feeling at the end of the day like I didn't do anything that I wanted to do that day. I make sure my list includes things that recharge my batteries and help me rest and recuperate. Then, during the day if I spend more time on one item than I thought I would spend, that's okay--it still means I was doing something on the list. If I end up only spending 1/2 or 2/3 of my time doing stuff on my list, that's okay, too. My goal is really not to watch a whole day go down in flames!

 

[Deanna]

I make a list of things to do so I don't end up in the doldrums, or feeling at the end of the day like I didn't do anything that I wanted to do that day. I make sure my list includes things that recharge my batteries and help me rest and recuperate. Then, during the day if I spend more time on one item than I thought I would spend, that's okay--it still means I was doing something on the list. If I end up only spending 1/2 or 2/3 of my time doing stuff on my list, that's okay, too. My goal is really not to watch a whole day go down in flames!

I have some friends like that who plan everything in advance, but they don't go crazy if nothing works out. What is important to them is having a reference point of time in the morning, then they work their events around that time. ( Shrugs) works for them and they are normal people ( no PTSD, etc)

 

[Freida]

I know part of my issue is my perfectionism, and that "I need to be perfect" is a core belief I have.

Yep -- I have this battle too. T says it is based in self-judgement and has been yapping at me to try to stop being so hard on myself since day one. The problem is that I don't know how, and I'm not sure how to learn.

So she asks me to just try to notice I'm doing it and be curious about why. Not to try to change it -- just to raise awareness. So of course I turned that into not being able to do it right. Which gave me the giggles because even I could see that was just ridiculous!

Baby steps goal --- trying just to see that I'm doing it. Hopefully that will lead somewhere