Feeling Trapped in the Treatment Process

[piratelady]

I’ve been in therapy for quite some time and in the last 9 months or so, I’ve actualky started trying to process the trauma. Over the past 2 months I’ve been trying to disclose to him what I feel is my worst trauma. I finally did last week. Well more or less, I was incredibly vague and kind of just word-vommitted it at him.

Since I’ve felt this need to get that trauma out I’ve felt this sense of being trapped in therapy. Holding on to it was causing worsening symptoms. Telling him about it hasn’t helped.

I feel like I’ve been at this for so long, always pushing forward. In March I told my therapist I was overwhelmed with all of this. We decided to shift our focus back to coping techniques and present day stuff, taking a break from the past. Only when we did that I felt worse. I finally told him about the past and I still feel horrible.

I feel like therapy is exhausting and bordering on unbearable, but nothing we do helps. I also know if I stop I’ll deteriorate pretty rapidly. So I can’t atop therapy, and no matter what we focus on, I feel horrible. It really feels like being trapped in a painful situation.

Has anyone else experienced this? I just don’t know what to do anymore.

 

[somerandomguy]

I'm sorry you're feeling so bad right now :hug:

Like almost everyone else, I thought that, at some point in the therapy process, if I could only do [X], I would be cured and that would be it. And then I did [X], and I didn't feel any different at all and I wasn't cured and I had to keep working and processing.

I wish it weren't true, but there is no destination - there is only a journey. We can be further up and down the path, and sometimes the path leads backwards before it goes forwards again.

It's a process. If you keep working, even though you don't feel any different right now, a few months from now you'll be able to tell that, hey, you really have gone further up the healing path. It's just that so much of the time we're moving so incrementally that it doesn't seem like anything is changing at all. But it is.

You've told him what happened one time. Maybe you can tell him two times. Then maybe a third. At some point, you'll be able to actually talk about it, consider it, have a conversation about it. But you could never do that without the first step - without telling your T the first time. You're on the path.

 

[piratelady]

Thank you @somerandomguy

It’s just so distressing, and I can’t relieve those feelings. Even physically, in his office, when I think about that memory, I feel like I have to get out if his office, but I can’t. I start looking for the exit and contemplating if I could just leave right then. I never do, of course, but I’ve never felt like that with him before.

 

[grit]

Hi @piratelady I am so sorry you are struggling in therapy. It is truly a strange experience. I am quite taken back by this quote:

We decided to shift our focus back to coping techniques and present day stuff,

Because I do not talk about my present life in therapy and actually I do not even ask for coping mechanism and now I feel I am understanding why they always seem to want to talk about nonsense daily things and coping mechanism...now I am getting for myself but your story is opposite. You focused on solely the present and made the past even further and stranger and now it seems too boogy man to tell the story. For someone who only focuses the past in therapy (even though the therapists tried to force to talk about my daily things)...I think talking about the past is painful and the longer you stay out of it the harder, I hope you have strong support outside of therapy to start this painful journey and come out the otherside stronger and healthier. cheering you on.

 

[ladee]

When we hear 'it gets worse before it gets better' we have no way of knowing what that means. Until we get in that place.

You are doing the hardest work of your life right now. And yes, it feels like it is going to drown you, that it will never get better or change. But it will.

I understand that wanting to bolt out of that office. But logically we know we can't run hard enough or fast enough to close that door that has been opened for healing.

I used to look at it like I was a burn victim. Knowing the unbelievable pain and horror they face in the healing process. And how long it takes. And wondering how many of them prefer dying to continue that process. And trying to imagine how trapped they feel. Not a pretty comparison, but it did help me to hang on for a little longer.

You have many people here feeling what you are right now. Some coming up to this part and some that have gone thru it. This will be your foundation for other things you have to deal with. And when we get thru this part, we understand that nothing can stop us.

It takes tremendous courage to be where you are. And to share how hard it is and how much you want it to stop.

Sometimes this part is about being with what is coming up. Not trying to work harder or do more. But to feel things to heal them. Yes, it's hard. Very hard.

It's what we have avoided and now here it is. I really believe you can do what it takes. You shared about it. You are wanting to understand what is going on. That says Warrior to me.

And you don't have to feel like a warrior to be one!! Hoping things start to move in a different direction, but it's the journey. Sending gentle hugs of understanding if you accept. :hug:

 

[piratelady]

Thank you @grit and @ladee for the encouragement. I don’t know how to make this process more tolerable. I feel like there is something I should be doing to push through this, but I don’t know what it is.

For someone who only focuses the past in therapy (even though the therapists tried to force to talk about my daily things)...

For me at least, there is value in spending some time talking about the present. For me, what happened to me in the past drives some of my actions today. It’s all inter-related. I never saw the connection, but therapist did over time

 

[The Albatross]

Over the past 2 months I’ve been trying to disclose to him what I feel is my worst trauma. I finally did last week. Well more or less, I was incredibly vague and kind of just word-vommitted it at him.

Since I’ve felt this need to get that trauma out I’ve felt this sense of being trapped in therapy. Holding on to it was causing worsening symptoms. Telling him about it hasn’t helped.

Maybe instead of being vague, word-vomiting you should do a session or two to it before you decide "telling him about it hasn't helped". After all, your own description about your worst trauma and the difficulty telling your shrink... "well more or less" might not have been easing your symptomology as you hoped it would cuz you know and acknowledge you were purposefully vague about it. Irrational to expect that having a shrink decipher that without any kind of processessing or discussion would ease symptoms AND I'd be having a discussion with my shrink about that too.

Good luck to you and hope you can be more candid and get some easing of symptoms.

 

[grit]

I 100% agree they are inter-related - the past and the present and I am often in my own life surprised when I do something that is new or as a result of the therapy in my present relationships. But I think it depends on the individual and also the goal in therapy. Maybe I will open another thread cause I do not want to hijack yours. I am sensing I have more feelings about this.

 

[ladee]

I feel like you are doing everything you can do. If you feel pushing thru it will lessen the pain, it probably is only adding stress. It is a hard place to be, but you keep doing what you are doing, and you will feel a shift.

Maybe not earth-shattering or instant relief, but a shift, as in having a deeper understanding, or feeling less that things are your fault or feeling of the weight of the trauma not being quite so heavy.

It's very personal when a shift happens. But you will feel it. None of us would be able to get thru this part if there wasn't eventually a shift.

I hope you have taken some time to honour yourself and the courage it took to start talking about this with your T.

It's like we put that trauma behind a closed door. And we don't realize how much other feelings and memories go in behind that door. When we do open that door, many things start to fall out. We are overwhelmed.

What you are feeling is normal. I don't see you as 'stuck'. It is now going to take time to go thru the things that this has brought up for you.

I am hoping you have some self-care in place. Doesn't mean it will go away, but very important for you to be extra kind to yourself right now. You ARE pushing thru, it just doesn't feel like it yet. Pushing thru does not always mean we feel better. It means we are tending to it. One piece at a time.


You are doing great. That doesn't always mean we FEEL great. Sending you healing energy. And a lot of respect!!! :hug:

 

[piratelady]

well more or less" might not have been easing your symptomology as you hoped it would cuz you know and acknowledge you were purposefully vague about it.

I was able to tell my therapist part of what happened, leaving out the details. We talked about it some, mostly him telling me that what happened wasn’t my fault. Therapist says we can process it without him knowing all the details. That is definitely my hope.....

Maybe not earth-shattering or instant relief, but a shift,

I think part of my frustration is because right after my appointment I felt like this huge weight had been lifted off of me and I felt such great relief. Then, the more time passed I just felt more and more uneasy with all of it...

And we don't realize how much other feelings and memories go in behind that door.

then the more I sat with it and realized how much it’s really affected me all these years it’s so overwhelming.

I know I’ll never be able to share the details with him, here, or with anyone. I think maybe part of my fear is that we won’t be able to find resolution because I can only share at a high-level; if we can’t fix it and I can’t just put it away, I worry I’ll be trapped in this state indefinitely.

My other traumas I shared with him in writing, via email, and we discussed in the next appointment. I can’t even write this one out. I can write out the beginning of what happened, but not the last part. Not the worst of it. What if the traumas hold on me never goes away?

 

[grit]

If these traumas are from childhood then it makes sense you would feel this way of never getting out of the trap...

 

[ladee]

Can you write out the rest of it for your eyes only? With the eventual intention of discussing the feelings attached with your T?

You say you can never talk about it. Never is a long long time. And if it comes to your being able to make progress, do you feel eventually you could share it? If your life depended on it? These are questions you can ask yourself. And think about over time. Not to answer here per se. Just to weigh if not finding a way will keep you stuck.

I had trauma like this that I didn't think I would ever be able to share it. I did eventually. I was sick to my stomach, a horrible headache, and my anxiety level was thru the roof. But it had come to the point if I didn't find a way to share it I was not going to make it.

I had to keep reminding myself as hard as it was, it was still in the past. And if this one thing was going to kill me, was it worth it to keep it inside. It took a lot of time and a lot of pain but I did share it. I didn't die. I didn't die of shame. I seemed to really make progress after getting it out.

The person I told had heard much much worse. Not that that made much difference at the time. But if words spoken out loud was going to save my life, the secret was not worth me dying over.

Take your time. This is your history, your experiences. Your healing journey. No one else can say what is right for you. But you can do what you think you can't.

Just some things to think about. And weigh your options. Sometimes the pain of holding it in is so great it has to come out somehow.

Understanding and thinking of you.