Relationship Big Shock Tonight

[Jawn]

All this is hard stuff, so if you're relationship was marginal without the PTSD, it's going to be tough sledding. But if the underlying relationship is strong without the PTSD distortion field, it would be a shame to throw it away because of the side effects of the PTSD and the PTSD treatment.

In my opinion, until PTSD consumed her, my wife and I had a very strong relationship. If it had been marginal, I would have given up by now.

My T has told me flat out to not contact my wife's T in any way.....no phone call, no email, no getting my sister-in-law to do it, etc. She is stressing that I take care of me and is working with me to recognize my triggers for anxiety and how to deal with that. She gave me lots of feedback today about giving my wife space and not pushing. We went over the letter I wrote to my wife and she pointed out the things that would overwhelm my wife and cause her to push away. The remaining stuff will be conveyed verbally in small doses (mainly to keep my anxiety level down).

The weekend was uneventful and we actually laughed and smiled a lot with our granddaughter. I am looking at the long list of projects to do around the house and thinking that maybe it's time to tackle those to keep me busy instead of sitting around worrying. Stress relieving activities.

My T also gave me a pep talk on some things I should tell my wife and how to approach it. Basically they were the things in my letter, but with some coaching on how to convey the message.

Thanks,

Jawn

 

[Nicolette]

Sounds good Jawn.

 

[ISupportHer]

I wish I could see all the posts as I respond. I have been a little out of the loop here but there have been a few things that have caught my eye. Some of what tclark said a few pages ago was very close to things I saw at the onset a few years ago. Can't really get into specifics here publicly but there does seem to be some very common responses. For our wives/partners as well as us really. I'd posted before that when I read the books I've used, I felt like asking for royalties or suing for them describing my life, LOL.

I think tclark's caution about contacting the TH behind her back is right on the money. Again, I say safety trumps confidentiality and if you feel that there is something like suicidal thoughts then you need to convey that but be prepared for the backlash.

My experience with the TH is that I did get invited after the TH sessions had been going on. There was a vague revealing of the cause of the PTSD. Like so many others, until that time, I thought it was ME. That I was somehow the cause. Now, maybe 2 years or more, I've been invited to a few sessions. I have so much wanted to be involved but, honestly? I was not really prepared at first. I would have made it worse.

Jawn, I am glad to hear you are seeing a TH yourself. I have tried twice but baled each time. So, I am convinced you are doing the right thing.

Has your TH suggested any books?

ISH

 

[ISupportHer]

Jawn, I was going to cut and paste what I wrote about the books. Titles, etc. But my search took me to tclark's thread "Dazed and Confused Spouse" and you've posted there, so you most likely have seen it and the book titles.

ISH

 

[Jawn]

She has not suggested any books, but I mentioned I had gotten "I can't get over it" and the PTSD Relationship book and she said they were both good books to read. I will try to ask her about books when I go in next week. Or I guess I could email her that question. ;-)

I went back and found the books you listed, so I will look into getting those to read as well.

Thanks,

Jawn

 

[Iam]

HI Jawn,

I am praying for you. I can't imagine what it's like to be on your side with this disorder. I agree that it would cause more problems to call her therapist and kudos to you for going to therapy yourself. You have to take care of yourself first or you will crash and burn. And you are smart to prepare yourself for the worst, divorce, and hope that it doesn't come to that.

Reading what you posted prompted me to asked my husband if he wanted to talk to my T about anything. He said no but that for the last few months he never knows who he is going to come home to. I feel so bad to be putting him thru this. Unfortunately therapy is hard work and makes me feel worse right now, not better. Some days are ok, others are hell. They say it gets worse before it gets better and I am finding that to be true. I am so thankful that my husband is supportive. I know sometimes he is walking on eggshells with me. He used to think it was all his fault and so did I. We are both learning now that it is might fault as well. We both have things to work on.

It seems to me that if your wife is leaving things lying around in plain sight that she wants you to bring up the subject. She also alluded to needing to talk. Sounds like your T has given you some good tools on how to talk with her, ways to keep the intensity of emotions down to a manageable level. Good luck and I am praying for you.

 

[Jawn]

Thanks Iam. I appreciate it. Yes my T gave me some stuff to think about and work on today. Of course I left my notes on my desk at work and can't review them tonight. ;-)

She has therapy tomorrow morning and I am hoping/praying that she brings the marital issues up in her session. It would be nice if she did and got the therapists take on what she is thinking about. If not, I will be talking with her soon. It won't be tomorrow night because my wife is doing something after work with her sister. And it didn't happen tonight because I got home too late to get into any heavy discussions.

I am trying to stay positive and only say positive things to her. Now I just need to practice the things the T gave me to work on and hopefully over time I will just do them without needing to think about it.

 

[ISupportHer]

Jawn,

I know from experience what you are saying about wanting to work on marital issues, see that your TH has worked with you to script your discussion, etc. Just go slow, my friend. I think you have acknowledged this in previous posts but your wife has to come to terms, at some level anyway, with whatever the trauma is before she will be able to get into in depth marital issues. My opinion anyway. YOU can work on it though. Be supportive, try to be honest with yourself in your feelings (which I see you trying to do) and do your best to see the good in what you are doing.

I use the OTHER glass analogy a lot. That my glass is half full, not half empty. I may only have half a glass but it's up to me to be responsible for how I view it.

And continue to do what you can yourself. Therapy, research, sharing here, etc.

ISH

 

[Jawn]

Thanks ISH. I appreciate your comments. I am normally a glass is half full kind of person, but in this case I need to remind myself of that. I have come to realize with the help of my T, and the folks on here, that many of the things I have been doing to be supportive are the wrong things to do. My T said I am probably overwhelming her and making her want to push away. So I will work on those things and hopefully it will have positive results for me and my marriage.

I really really hope that she discussed her "plans" with her T this morning and has gotten the "don't make any life changing decisions until we have you regulated" speech or something like that. You are correct ISH, she has to come to terms with PTSD and the trauma behind it. I think it is still too early in her treatment for her to have gotten to that point. Although I do commend her for finally admitting there was a problem and for getting help. I know that was a huge step for her.

I will try to go slow. I remembered an analogy the Dr. gave my Dad when he had Parkinson's. "You are no longer a Porche. You are a semi-truck and trailer. Start slow, turn slow, and stop slow." I think that is fitting for how I should be behaving with my wife as well.

Thanks again,

Jawn

 

[Jawn]

Well we had "the talk" last night and indeed she said she wants a divorce. She gave me 2 reasons. #1. she doesn't feel love for me anymore and hasn't for a couple of years (this coincides with the time line for PTSD flaring up in her life). #2. She doesn't want to put me through more pain while she deals with therapy. She thinks that focusing on therapy and being by herself will make it easier to deal with therapy for her.

I explained to her that I have joined this group and started going to therapy myself to help better understand her condition and to learn how I might better support her. She was surprised with that information.

She asked me repeatedly "why do I still love her when she is not the same person she used to be" and "why would I stay and subject myself to the pain her therapy will bring"? I did my best to answer those questions, but she kept asking them again and again. She also told me that I could get a life without her and be happy. We did discuss whether it was "her" talking or the PTSD and she admitted she didn't know. So, she is going back to her T next week to discuss this issue and what I had to say. Apparently it was discussed yesterday morning in therapy, but she really didn't say what the T's opinion was. She did say that she told the T she didn't think she could trust me anymore because of some things I have done. The T told her that getting trust back would be very difficult.

Any way, we finally agreed that she would talk to the T and try to get some guidance on whether she should be making this decision or not. I told her I would accept whatever she tells me after she talks to her T. She is talking to her sister tonight after work and I believe the sister will tell her about the same thing I did (that I don't think she should make changes right now).

So everything is out on the table now and I guess I will know her final decision next week. Any thoughts or comments would be appreciated.

Thanks,

Jawn

 

[Jline]

We did discuss whether it was "her" talking or the PTSD and she admitted she didn't know.

I think this speaks volumes...she is obviously very confused right now. I hope she doesn't rush into any decisions, it sounds as if she feels guilty for your unhappiness. Guilt is a damn heavy load to carry. I am praying for you both. j

 

[ISupportHer]

Jawn,

This is one of those times I don't know what to say. You are living the nightmare thast I feared early on.

Keep sharing as you can. I may not know what to say but I'm still pulling for you. No matter what the outcome.

ISH