Feel like a complete and utter failure in life

[maryiscontrary]

I am in a 12-step program for a process addiction and I am working on the 4th step, which is an inventory of resentments.
I am 47, well educated, a good person, hard-working and I have literally failed at everything in life. I have had two marriages that were abusive, and they basically ended in violence and betrayal. I never cheated, never stole, I was very loyal.
Professionally, literally nothing has worked out. I have tried and tried and tried and tried. I am skilled in a hard worker. I have integrity. I have applied to over a thousand places, I have failed with a number of small businesses. And I below poverty level on disability.
Even though I was married for a total of over 20 years, the last 7 years, I have strived earnestly to try to cultivate healthy relationships. The last three attempts at relationships crashed and burned. The fault was really on the other side, through lying or some other type of deal killing betrayal. I simply cannot tolerate f***** up men. My family is very abusive, and I've had to cut contact for many years until recently, due to the declining health of my father.
I have made great strides in improving my health, stopping bad habits, throwing out dysfunctional relationships. I have no support. I do have some friendships, but it's extremely difficult to bond. I am extremely lonely. I cannot believe that I do not have any measurable level of success in anything.
I work my ass off everyday, yet nothing ever f****** changes.
as I've said in other threads, I recently cut out rather light, but consistent use of cannabis, sugar, and chocolate. I just don't have any other bad habits to cut out. I feel like s***, unloved, completely unsupported, and terrible because that little bit of cannabis was anesthetizing these terrible feelings.
so I've done everything in my power to try to really improve my life. I have really tried. I have thought hard about going for assisted suicide, because I cannot seem to get rid of the hopelessness due to persistent psychotic thought, multiple altars, and problems due to high functioning autism.
I sometimes feel that I signed up for too much. That maybe I signed up for a assignment that was just beyond my capability. I have no children, no spouse, own no property, a shity little business that makes no money, no job, no family. It sounds like a perfect setup that I could make a clean break and ended all without really affecting anybody.
I have really tried. I have gone through 20 counselors, a number of indigenous Amazon shaman, strict practice of meditation and other practices, quit bad habits, I've tried 11 medications, literally nothing has worked.
I don't deserve this s***.

 

[bellbird]

I am 47, well educated, a good person, hard-working and I have literally failed at everything in life.

Ok, but do you see the juxtaposition within this sentence?

* you've lived to 47 years old so far; that's 47 revolutions around the sun.
many, many people don't even make it to half that time.
some barely make it to 1/100th of it.

* you've got an education. a good one, going by your own admission.
many people with access to an education can't see it through; maybe they lack the commitment, or drive.

* you're hard-working.
which is a pretty good insight as to how you achieved your education, and something that not everyone can say.


Maybe it would be helpful to shift your perspective?
To see yourself in a different light.
To see the things you can do, the things you have done.

Might be difficult at first, but in just a single sentence you've shown that the pieces are there.

When we feel crap about ourselves, it can influence our perception of the things in our environment; nothing seems to work for us.

But.

You have lived.
You have worked your ass off and achieved an education.

That is pretty incredible.
Try and sit with that for a little while.
And then think forwards.

 

[maryiscontrary]

Ok, but do you see the juxtaposition within this sentence?

* you've lived to 47 years old so far; that's 47 revolutions around the sun.
many, many people don't even make it to half that time.
some barely make it to 1/100th of it.

* you've got an education. a good one, going by your own admission.
many people with access to an education can't see it through; maybe they lack the commitment, or drive.

* you're hard-working.
which is a pretty good insight as to how you achieved your education, and something that not everyone can say.


Maybe it would be helpful to shift your perspective?
To see yourself in a different light.
To see the things you can do, the things you have done.

Might be difficult at first, but in just a single sentence you've shown that the pieces are there.

When we feel crap about ourselves, it can influence our perception of the things in our environment; nothing seems to work for us.

But.

You have lived.
You have worked your ass off and achieved an education.

That is pretty incredible.
Try and sit with that for a little while.
And then think forwards.

These are very sweet words. thank you so much for taking the time to write these for a stranger.

I will meditate on these words. but not having support, not having any level of professional success whatsoever, and living below poverty despite extreme efforts is getting me really down. I feel like the universe really hates me, but I realize that this is just a symptom of C PTSD. Honestly, I can't imagine tolerating this for another 40 years. Please bear in mind oh, I'm very thankful for these wise words and I will take them to heart.

 

[Mach123]

I thought I was reading my own thread lol. It's like you were thinking my thoughts. This is just exactly where I am this morning. Bingo.

Its because you are in the trauma shell. That's what I call it. It's a trap made by you so naturally, you can't escape.

And now I'm thinking all these years of therapy and I'm getting tired of that.

And yes, pot helps.

But it's the same I end up the same always.

Oh well. I try and be nice at least anyway. My wife appreciates it if I don't get all negative.

This morning? Not great.

 

[blackemerald1]

I am in a 12-step program for a process addiction and I am working on the 4th step, which is an inventory of resentments.

^But wait... you are listing your resentments here.. well almost all of what you posted was resentment of some type. Are you processing this within your post bc it sure looks like it to me?

 

[maryiscontrary]

^But wait... you are listing your resentments here.. well almost all of what you posted was resentment of some type. Are you processing this within your post bc it sure looks like it to me?

thank you for the deep insight.
oh yes, I'm only halfway through the 4th step, and the flashbacks have torn a new orifice. I suppose this is what ego death feels like. I killed part of my ego several years ago with ayahuasca, and obviously I have some ugly residue.

I am going through these steps rather rapidly. Just in case anybody does not know, in any 12-step program, you list your resentments in the 4th step, your character deficits in the fifth step.

and for a lot of us , this is a real ball-buster. I was able to begin recovery with the plant medicine, but because full trauma healing only occurs with be help with other people, I bet there was a solid 30% that I just could not touch. as I said in another thread, I recently cut out a very light, but very consistent cannabis habit for more than two decades. this was never the heavy stuff, only the dirt weed an ounce bag would last for three or four months sharing with Friends.

when I cut that out, then the desire for sugar and chocolate disappeared. I realized that for me, the Cannabis was masking these resentments, and preventing me from addressing them. and these are the ugly ones.
I want to be free of debilitating flashbacks and life eating dissociation. Too much of my day, everyday, is eaten up with this. all the good living and good habits have hit the wall with their effectiveness. I am grateful for the improvements with the clean living, but it can only go so far.
ego death is a real b****.
Thank you very much, and thank the rest of you for your words a beautiful support and empathy. I know you guys relate. bless all of you

 

[Sideways]

Ignore this if it isn’t helpful:

this was never the heavy stuff, only the dirt weed an ounce bag would last for three or four months sharing with Friends.

Don’t do that. Starting to minimise your use? “It wasn’t all that much...”? It was enough that it’s taken it’s toll. Big time.

Go back to your stuff about not actually healing from your trauma, and in large part that was because of your addiction. That’s a reason to resent this drug big time.

Go back to the part where you’re starting to feel emotions again. Cannabis hasn’t just blocked out the worst of the bad emotions, it’s blocked out emotions period. Which means it’s robbed you of the best of the good emotions for 20 years.

It may also be responsible for things like your persistent low mood, as well as the psychotic symptoms that have become part of your pathology.

Those are things to resent. What an absolute bastard of a drug. The damage that bastard drug has done to your lungs over 2 decades? That’s shit to really resent. Potentially it made you less likely to walk out on shitty relationships, because it robbed you of the motivation and emotional bang you needed to walk out and demand better from the people around you.

And those are resentments that will see you through your recovery.

Not having achieved a series of arbitrary social goals that may (but probably wouldn’t) have made you feel better? Nup. It’s the progress you haven’t made with your recovery, so you can be a whole person, full of life and the full experience of wonderful, meaning-giving emotions - that’s shit to really resent.

Achieving those goals along the way would be nice. Sure. But would it make you happier? Not any rock solid evidence to suggest it would, quite a lot to suggest otherwise.

You’re doing awesome. Remember to take time out to create positive experiences. Wishing you a tonne of luck with your recovery. Yes, you aren’t blocking the bad stuff any more, but you aren’t blocking the good stuff either. So create some good stuff:)

You may find this article helpful (available on this site):
Awesome article on cannabis and PTSD

 

[maryiscontrary]

Ignore this if it isn’t helpful:


Don’t do that. Starting to minimise your use? “It wasn’t all that much...”? It was enough that it’s taken it’s toll. Big time.

Go back to your stuff about not actually healing from your trauma, and in large part that was because of your addiction. That’s a reason to resent this drug big time.

Go back to the part where you’re starting to feel emotions again. Cannabis hasn’t just blocked out the worst of the bad emotions, it’s blocked out emotions period. Which means it’s robbed you of the best of the good emotions for 20 years.

It may also be responsible for things like your persistent low mood, as well as the psychotic symptoms that have become part of your pathology.

Those are things to resent. What an absolute bastard of a drug. The damage that bastard drug has done to your lungs over 2 decades? That’s shit to really resent. Potentially it made you less likely to walk out on shitty relationships, because it robbed you of the motivation and emotional bang you needed to walk out and demand better from the people around you.

And those are resentments that will see you through your recovery.

Not having achieved a series of arbitrary social goals that may (but probably wouldn’t) have made you feel better? Nup. It’s the progress you haven’t made with your recovery, so you can be a whole person, full of life and the full experience of wonderful, meaning-giving emotions - that’s shit to really resent.

Achieving those goals along the way would be nice. Sure. But would it make you happier? Not any rock solid evidence to suggest it would, quite a lot to suggest otherwise.

You’re doing awesome. Remember to take time out to create positive experiences. Wishing you a tonne of luck with your recovery. Yes, you aren’t blocking the bad stuff any more, but you aren’t blocking the good stuff either. So create some good stuff:)

You may find this article helpful (available on this site):
Awesome article on cannabis and PTSD

Oh I hear what you're saying! But I was a f****** goddamn basket case way before I even touched this stuff. I was depressed, suicidal, and a nervous wreck as a little kid, and as a young woman. So I was definitely self-medicating to suppress severe mental illness and psychotic thinking way before.

That being said, even a few milligrams of cheap dirt weed is strong as hell. I see the baby boomers here suck down an ounce a week, or smoke hash oil. I don't know how they function.

And just to be clear. I started dumping toxic people about 7 years ago. So cannabis isn't necessarily responsible for staying in bad situations. PTSD, naivety due to codependency, and not being able to read people's intentions did.
Now masking feelings, masking trauma, God yes. Due to my personal sensitivity, I can not ingest a lot of things. I can't drink coffee anymore. I even have to watch how much black tea I do. I can't do junk food. I can't do wheat or gluten. I can't do assholes. And because I had to flee from my country of origin, I just don't Jive with elements of my own culture.

I can't do prescription meds. For me, they caused a lot of damage. I can't watch violence, as a matter of fact I cannot remember the last movie of any type I saw, other than a few art flicks at an art festival.

I am wondering how many of us are so bombarded by various types of contamination, and not just chemical, and how this might exacerbate our very delicate constitutions

 

[bellbird]

I will meditate on these words. but not having support, not having any level of professional success whatsoever, and living below poverty despite extreme efforts is getting me really down. I feel like the universe really hates me, but I realize that this is just a symptom of C PTSD.

For sure. And I'm absolutely hearing how hard things are for you right now. Definitely want to validate that, too.

Honestly, I can't imagine tolerating this for another 40 years.

There's no definite reason that you will live this, and by association -need to tolerate this- for the next 40 years though.

Don't give up.
That thing that helps us, that -really- helps us, is always in the last place we look.

 

[maryiscontrary]

For sure. And I'm absolutely hearing how hard things are for you right now. Definitely want to validate that, too.

There's no definite reason that you will live this, and by association -need to tolerate this- for the next 40 years though.

Don't give up.
That thing that helps us, that -really- helps us, is always in the last place we look.

Thank you, I really appreciate that

 

[HealingInProcess]

Thank you, I really appreciate that

It sounds like you've been through a lot and are still going through a lot. Some people work a job and never make the tough decisions you have made or go through things you have gone through. I am younger than you but have faced similar frustrations. Your life has value ans you're an encouragement to me because you've been through this for longer than I have and you're still doing it.

It doesn't matter what job you do because I can think about people who retires and life kept on going at work. Chances are that you've just gotten a lot of tough breaks unfortunately. Things can always,change. Morgan Freeman the actor didn't have his career take off until 50 years old and now he's famous and well respected.

The people who "make" it are incredibly blessed and lucky. All of them. A lot of things have to go right to be successful no matter how talented you are. And that includes finding good,people to work with and partner with.

 

[TruthSeeker]

Here's a poem I wrote today....maybe it might resonate.


We Are a Tapestry

We are a tapestry,
made of a strong, heavy cloth,
woven and completed over our lifetime.
Intertwining threads from the past,
and threads from just yesterday,
this tapis tells our life.
As time passes, it changes,
our perceptions alter with new experiences,
the tapis, is a fluid accounting of our life----

This tapestry we create,
woven so intricately,
is constantly reshaping it’s design.
Some impressions and images,
clearly remind us of stories past,
fun-filled memories of friendships and joy.
Others pictures depict a history,
times that were dark, jumbled, filled with hopelessness,
with faded scenes of memories barely recognizable.

It is those faded scenes,
we strain to recall,
needing to know, to be sure.
Cleverly, our mind fills in the gaps,
with what makes sense, and then we forget,
our history then distorted.
As we consider our tapestry,
and it’s negative images,
we begin not to see the truth, but illusions of the past.

Our tapestry is us,
we come into being from our past, which include....
our feelings, memories, failures, and successes.
The past is not our whole, and does not dictate,
the final tapis of our life.....
We can have a tapestry to be admired,
if we choose to change-to weave it differently.
Whatever has befallen us,
our life is our completed tapestry,
and so potentially very, very beautiful.