Struggling...

[Lunisrc]

I thought I would write in here just to feel a little better maybe. I thought it would help me a bit to not being totally alone with this.. I am struggling since quite some time. There are ups and downs along the way but right now it is so hard. I sometimes feel like I can’t breath anymore. I see a doctor since almost 1,5 years now but right now I feel like I am not getting anywhere. Like this pain will never ever end. At the beginning, I didn’t let it come to me. I had to be strong... wanted to be strong. I didn’t feel anything. But the last couple of weeks have been so hard. I feel so much pain. My whole body hurts.

In therapy I need to work on my trauma. I worked on it for a long long time. And then, a second one comes up that flips my whole world again. I don’t know how to deal with it. How to live with it? I couldn't see my doctor last week because I was so weak, I couldn't leave my bed. There is the PTSD but why does it come with depression?? Why does everything have to be twice as hard because of this stupid side symptom? I feel sad, lonely, scared. I need to get better. But right now I don’t see how. I’m struggling.

 

[Teamwork]

I stand with you on this. Same thing happens. I try to write as soon as I get back from my appointment and leave it there. It usually takes about three days before I am settled a bit, if not I keep writing. I sleep a little extra, but mostly if trauma is still coming at me I tell it not now. It has taken me a long time to learn to rest, there is no fix, there is no overnight getting better. It is painful. Write it out and then go do something else. I do photography because it puts me in the here and now, or I will paint or garden. I have plenty to do around a busy household so I sometimes have to make myself, because that too is the present day reality. Therapy is tough until you learn not to take it home with you. That is why I write and write and write everything we covered, then I let my brain know that, that is all for now and try to go do my list of go to things. For the sadness and the physical pain I try to get moving. I’m way worse if I’m sitting feeling it. My t teaches acceptance, but I do not always understand it. Like accept that you are in pain, say to yourself, yes this is painful and ask yourself what would you like to do with it. A lot of times I simply do not know, but I keep acknowledging it and eventually it subsides. It has also helped me to know that the pain comes in waves. Watch for it. It’s like brutal then a bit less then brutal then nothing. Learn that flow to it and it will help reassure you when it gets really brutal. Always remind yourself that it does not stay intense all the time. I hope this helps.

 

[whiteraven]

Oh @Lunisrc. I'm really sorry you are dealing with this. I know what it feels like to never catch a break, to feel like you are always struggling. No advice, but wanted you to know you are not alone.

 

[Lunisrc]

Thank you both so much. I am back in the hospital now, it all became just too much to handle. It feels like a setback to be honest but there was no way I could have dealt with it by myself anymore....

 

[Rumors]

Very sorry. Same thing happens with me at times. I want to hole up and be by myself which doesn't help matter. I don't have great advice except to say keep talking. Being in the hospital isn't a step backwards in your healing. Use it as a tool to feel better... hang in there!

 

[HealingInProcess]

Thank you both so much. I am back in the hospital now, it all became just too much to handle. It feels like a setback to be honest but there was no way I could have dealt with it by myself anymore....

It's okay.