Would you ever tell your T that you miss them?

[Kubash16]

Just like the title says. Some circumstances have interrupted the frequency I’ve been attending therapy and frankly I really freaking miss her and want to reach out for some sort of connection. But I feel needy and sick and desperate.

 

[grit]

IMHO
It is awfully human to miss a person and even just as much human to tell them.
It is also healthy and encouraging to recognize the feeling of missing and wanting reconnection with a human whom you shared deep intimacy. It is also natural and healthy to recognize feelings arising from past programming. It is also normal and doable to have a strong feeling, recognize it and not act on it or act on it if it is appropriate or even beneficial.

A coworker came back from vacation after two weeks. I really missed her so this morning when she came in I blurted ooh so nice to see you... I really missed you! I think sheepishly I embarrassed her but I also liked expressing my true feeling spontaneously without real damage. I felt ooh hope that was not too strong and acknowledged it as fleeting feeling - - - a residue of critical mind from the past.
Hope this helps.

 

[Kubash16]

Thank you @grit, it does.

 

[Mach123]

It's ok to feel needy and sick and desperate that's why you're there. I apologise sometimes like today. I was like I was upset last week I'm feeling better. She knew I was. I'd call her still if I was really desperate. Actually I'd probably text now. She called me the day I was diagnosed with cancer. It's ok. Therapy is very intimate. It's scary. I hope it goes well. I've been with her about 4 years. We've been through a lot. Yes I'd say I miss you.

 

[Eagle3]

I've told my T just yesterday that when I was in Colorado and he was incommunicado due to cancer, I missed the hell out of him. He also knows that I tend to just need some kind of contact at times between sessions because I MISS him. He knows, its no secret, and there's nothing shameful about it. As emotionally abandoned and neglected as I was growing up, we both acknowledge that missing him is a good sign! I've actually made an attachment to another human being! Progress!!

 

[joeylittle]

I would tell him I missed therapy. I've done so a number of times. It wouldn't make sense to me to tell him I missed him - that would imply (to me) that our relationship is more personal than transactional.

 

[Freida]

uhhmm....
Does telling your T it's about damn time she got her ass back from army camp because I can't have her gone this long count??? :laugh:

 

[Kubash16]

Thank you all. And lol @Freida, I think she’d be cool with it if I said something like that. I texted her last night saying I missed her and that I was sorry that that was probably all weird and needy and crap. She responded that it’s a compliment and that she “looks forward to our sessions too” which I know is a canned professional response that doesn’t mean anything but it still made me feel a little better anyway.

@joeylittle I get what you’re saying. I probably should look at therapy only as a professional/non personal thing and I admire people who are capable of it. I just can’t. It’s super personal for me and I know I form attachments to the people themselves. Thankfully this T seems to understand that and be okay with working with it.

 

[grit]

From my experience Kubash 16, therapy is for a purpose and no matter how much I care and get attached, I am cognizant of the goal of therapy being exactly that I am attached, I am caring, I am opening up, I am accepting my deep feelings from the past that were thwarted like being needy and feeling bad about it and so on. It has been and always is everything I am feeling toward the therapist is becoming conscious of old feelings and re-learning them. It is not I am just missing the therapist or feeling abandoned or such just because I can and I want to. It is precisely why I am and has been in therapy to learn those.
My point to you is this: What are you learning about yourself when you have these feelings and the urge to express them to the therapist? Are you gratifying yourself or are you truly taking a stock and seeing this a milestone of what you need to become conscious in order to recover? I am asking these questions, because therapy is for a goal not to replace an old relationship (parents or caretakers) or future ones, but to teach us what we need to know about ourselves that we did not learn in the past for serious reasons.
What are you learning from these feelings? and how will you cope tomorrow when the therapist is not available? and where are they coming from? and are you compassionate and caring enough to empathize when you felt this way and were oppressed enough that you are learning this today again?

Of course we are all different and learn different ways but therapy is a learning process not a substitute for personal relationships.

Take advantage of the process and the experience rather than indulging. I felt that is what you were doing but also and hopefully that is my projection.

I am so happy for you to be able to articulate and dissect this process and this learning curve.

 

[Kubash16]

I know that she is not a replacement for a real relationship. I recognize that I will never have any relationship with her outside of therapy. That does suck because I do really like her as a person, but I understand why that’s not allowed.

However, I am taking this opportunity to allow myself to be a little attached to her. She is okay with it, we’ve discussed it and the importance of forming attachments with safe people and from that learning healthy relationships. I didn’t have proper attachments to anyone so I guess ya she is somewhat of a surrogate for that. But she’s aware and okay with it. She was there for the issues with my last T so she gets it.

 

[grit]

I know that she is not a replacement for a real relationship. I recognize that I will never have any relationship with her outside of therapy. That does suck because I do really like her as a person, but I understand why that’s not allowed.

However, I am taking this opportunity to allow myself to be a little attached to her. She is okay with it, we’ve discussed it and the importance of forming attachments with safe people and from that learning healthy relationships. I didn’t have proper attachments to anyone so I guess ya she is somewhat of a surrogate for that. But she’s aware and okay with it. She was there for the issues with my last T so she gets it.

That sounds wonderful! I am happy for you to find such a therapist - it is not automatic to get second chance in learning about love. But as hard as this process might be, try to focus on "I" as you are feeling all of these feelings and try to re-frame it as your experience from your point of view not from her point of view of being OK with this or that. You are OK with this. You are the choosing, accepting,and allowing. You are the driver and she is your passenger! You have arrived!

Peace out!

 

[Mb659747]

I am always honest with my therapist and that includes telling her when I miss her, am angry with her or anything else.