Emailing?

[sunshinedaydream]

Does your therapist email with you?

I had been sending emails because so much comes up when I’m sleeping, and I knew I wouldn’t tell him if I didn’t email it right then. But then I found all these emails in my drafts folder and don’t recall writing them all. Some I remember writing and feeling like I can’t send because it’s too long or too much information, not comfortable.
I’ve been feeling really out of it lately. I had more traumatic experiences the last couple of weeks and I’m just very dizzy/fuzzy/disconnected feeling.
And very overwhelmed.

He had told me it’s ok to send emails etc, and he reads them when he can. I don’t expect him to read them or write back. And it was ok and maybe it’s still ok. I’m having trouble knowing what is ok and panicking a lot.

 

[Neverthesame]

The drafts folder means they weren't sent, only written and saved for later correct?

Do you remember sending all of the emails in your sent folder?

 

[Sideways]

I’m having trouble knowing what is ok and panicking a lot.

If you’ve got an email that you’re adding to, editing as you work through emotions and stuff during the period you’re waiting to your next appointment, particularly to (intentionally) raise issues that you find hard to talk about out loud? It’s a great idea.

Sending emails that you don’t even remember writing? Seems like a bit of an abuse of the privilege. They aren’t even significant enough for you to remember them, but on the receiving end, every email he gets is as potentially important as the last.

You also start to run into a couple of problems: first is that if this is done a lot? It can become a way of avoidance. Instead of doing the (super hard and frightening and emotional) work of establishing trust with your T? You’re avoiding all that by sending him emails. And that relationship is super important to establish. Scary, but important.

Second issue is if you already have a tendency towards mind-reading (like, “I’m convinced he’s angry at me even though he’s not”?), not getting responses is potentially going to open you up to a whole tonne of issues. Did he read it? Is he angry? Is he going to comment? And on, and on...

Emails have been a really helpful way for me to initiate conversations that I find hard to do in person with my T, or convey info that they absolutely need to know, that i’m too scared to tell them (like, “I’ve been self-harming again”).

But it’s always on the basis that: I’m sending the email so that we can talk about it during our session.

Remember that your T only gets paid for the time he spends with you in person. So email can be a great way to progress your therapy, but make sure the emails you’re sending are thoughtful, considered, and something that you specifically want to address.

Asking your T to read through emails that are just you working through stuff during the week? Doesn’t sound particularly helpful for you, and it’s not going to assist your developing a relationship with your T or marking out important issues to work through during your session.

So, IME? Emails: can be super helpful, but can also be really destructive to the therapy process if not managed right.

 

[sunshinedaydream]

The drafts folder means they weren't sent, only written and saved for later

Yes they weren’t sent. I remember sending almost all the ones that have been sent. He told me to keep sending emails because a lot is coming up. But I see I’m writing emails in the middle of the night trying to tell him about these things that happened and then not sending them. And there are a few I don’t remember writing that are in drafts.

 

[susannahsays]

No, she doesn't do email. She "allows" me to text her, but prefers that I don't.

 

[sunshinedaydream]

Sending emails that you don’t even remember writing? Seems like a bit of an abuse of the privilege.

Definitely not trying to abuse anything. He’s told me he doesn’t mind and that it only takes a few minutes to read. And that if things are coming up and I want to email it’s ok. I don’t expect any response or him to read it before sessions. I feel only worried because I want to be sure I’m not bothering him, but he tells me he is glad to get the information. I don’t want him to feel I’m abusing a privilege. There haven’t been too many I don’t remember sending , mostly those are in drafts.

I feel sick to think I’m abusing a privilege or that he thinks that.

 

[Wendell_R]

Therapists differ on this. I was really surprised when my trauma therapist said I should text her if I'm having major problems. I don't abuse that privilege, but it was a really important step for me to learn how to reach out and ask for help. I think there are two important steps in understanding how your therapist handles email:
1. Talk directly about it with your therapist. You've done that!
2. Believe whatever answer your therapist gives you. If you say you don't want to be abusing a privilege, and he says he's glad to get the information, then I think you're good.

My therapist now knows I'm on an even keel and can handle day to day stress, so she wants me to send her my weekly journal, but she doesn't always read it.

 

[Missycat]

It sounds as though he is happy that you are emailing him. If you are worried that you are abusing a privilege then could you ask him? Speak to him about it? Just make sure you can deal with the fact that he isnt going to respond as this could cause you distress .
Like @Sideways has noted , email for me has been very useful and helpful in letting me share difficult stuff i have wanted to discuss in session - it has allowed my t to prepare and know what questions to ask me. Sometimes she will reply with her thoughts etc or ideas for us to discuss in session and sometimes its a quick response to tell me she has seen it and read it. We agreed how this works for us when we were discussing and agreeing boundaries . I rarely email now but its there if i need it.
Talk to your t at your next session which will reduce your worrying.

 

[Sideways]

I feel sick to think I’m abusing a privilege or that he thinks that.

Not saying you are, and it sounds like your T has already told you that the way you’re emailing currently is totally okay. Try not to twist words into people saying
“I’m terrible/doing something terrible”
when that absolutely isn’t what is being said?

 

[sunshinedaydream]

I think there are two important steps in understanding how your therapist handles email:
1. Talk directly about it with your therapist. You've done that!
2. Believe whatever answer your therapist gives you. If you say you don't want to be abusing a privilege, and he says he's glad to get the information, then I think you're good.

Thank you. I think I need to work harder to believe him. He called and left a message for me to listen to reminding me of some things l keep getting worries about, and that is really helping. I don’t know why I’m so afraid going to upset him and he will stop helping me. Because I told him things and it’s now all opened up and in my mind all the time and it helped to listen to the message when I’m worried. Scared I’m going to scare him away or do something wrong.

 

[sunshinedaydream]

Talk to your t at your next session which will reduce your worrying.

Thank you. I will talk to him again.

 

[sunshinedaydream]

Sending emails that you don’t even remember writing? Seems like a bit of an abuse of the privilege. They aren’t even significant enough for you to remember them, but on the receiving end, every email he gets is as potentially important as the last.

I don’t know why I’m not remembering them. I know you didn’t say it IS an abuse of privilege or that I’m bad. It just read that way to me when I read it “seems like a bit of an abuse of privilege.” But it’s ok. I’m planning to talk to him when I see him next to clarify. He has said it’s ok, many times, so I guess it’s ok.