Dating with CSA

[ppippi]

dear myptsd

i've found dating with a history of sexual abuse extremely hard. mainly because the relationship commonly cannot survive it. it takes super human amounts of patience, understanding and emotional support for your partner to handle all your issues around sex when they are getting to know you. even when they say the are patient, they dont end up being able to handle the sexual rejection they feel as a result of you working through your issues. they want to heal you and please you. but what they dont understand is that you are the only one who can heal yourself and rediscover pleasure.

how do you navigate these waters when you've met a potential someone? how do you tell them why you're afraid of sex without risking losing them?

does anyone have any bedroom tips on how your partner has helped you get past your fear of losing control?

 

[EveHarrington]

Have you been working on healing with a therapist?

I don’t suggest dating until we’re at a certain point in healing.

 

[ppippi]

Have you been working on healing with a therapist?

I don’t suggest dating until we’re at a certain point in healing.

No I haven't even talked about it with a therapist. I've met someone who seems to be very considerate sexually. He is ok with taking steps, breaks and being a soft place to land on so to speak. He is even ok with not having genital sex for a while if it's triggering.

I don't know if I believe him though. Because I associate wanting sex with wanting to use someone. I sort of panic when I feel like someone is attracted to me and has sexual desire. Things could get very out of control.

Why do you say I need therapy before dating? If you have sexual issues, don't you need to sort it out sexually with a partner, rather than talk about it awkwardly in a therapists office?

 

[somerandomguy]

If you have sexual issues, don't you need to sort it out sexually with a partner, rather than talk about it awkwardly in a therapists office?

If only.

Therapists can help you sort through your issues. It's a really bad idea to try to sort through your issues with a partner. They're not a therapist - they're your partner. Ideally, they should see the best side of you sexually most of the time.

Would you wait until your car fell apart before getting it serviced? Because that's what you're risking with your relationship. I thought I could handle my sexual trauma in my relationship. I couldn't, and it came very, very close to costing me my marriage and family. And that's what will happen to you.

Is it awkward to discuss your sexual issues with a therapist? Yes. But it's a hell of a lot less awkward than trying to explain to your partner why you can't have sex with them for years and years at a time.