Ugly reminders..

[Itsnotyouitsme]

Hi all,

Today is a major trigger date for me..

I have been working extremely hard on myself the last few months and have finally managed to get myself out of the darkness of suicide (so grateful!) but unfortunately my mind is kicking the absolute sh** out of me today.

Honestly, I adore our human brains and how they work to protect us and keep us from harm but then times like these I wonder why my brain would force these flashbacks.. My body feels numb and as though I am going through it all again. It's a very ugly reminder that no matter how much work I put in, I am still damaged :(

 

[ladee]

But not as damaged as you once were!! Sorry today is kicking butt.

I just shared recently about how my brain just won't let up some days. But keep doing what you've been doing to get this far and one day you will recognize it's your brain and have tools to manage that onslaught.

Anniversaries are hard. And we all wrestle with what is healthy or not. You did some great work to get here today. Keep doing what you are doing and next anniversary will not be so hard.

Hearing you. You'll get thru this. This is memories. You survived the real thing. Give yourself a lot of credit for being alive!!!

 

[Itsnotyouitsme]

@ladee, I love this:

'This is memories. You survived the real thing. Give yourself a lot of credit for being alive!!!'

It is definitely something that I have been consciously trying to remind myself of throughout my journey. The trauma is not happening again, it is done, I am safe, I am healthy, I have survived. And it definitely has helped with managing my everyday triggers, but you are right, anniversary dates are definitely more of a kick aren't they!

I'm trying to sit with the feelings, sit with the sadness, the brokenness of it all and I can't help but find myself asking the same questions, will I ever actually move past any of this?! It's something I used to often ask myself and doubt when I was in my extremely dark place so it's so sad to see myself ask the same questions again when I've been doing so well recently!

I suppose healing isn't linear.. it is like a never ending rollercoaster! We've just got to keep going!

Thank you for taking the time to reach out to me! It is nice to hear that someone understands..

 

[Lionheart]

It's a very ugly reminder that no matter how much work I put in, I am still damaged :(

It's true there is currently no cure for PTSD however there is treatment which can result in major improvements in quality of life. I choose to focus on the fact that there is treatment. If I focus on what I can't control I will become anxious and lose sight of the good things.

There are going to be bad days, sure, but it will continue to improve if you are dedicated to healing. Often things will get a little worse before they get better, but this is normal and should be taken as a good sign...a sign that you are healing. I really like what @ladee has said.

Remember, "energy flows where attention goes." Anniversaries suck, so be extra special good to yourself today!!!

 

[Itsnotyouitsme]

Dear @Lionheart777,

It is true, I agree that through treatment and dedication to healing things can get better. They definitely have for me! It was only up until March/April I was swallowed by so much darkness and no matter what I did it just wouldn't shift. But as my therapist said, no matter how far in the gutter I was I never stopped fighting, I was always coming up with new research and exploring new ways to try and get myself better. And eventually with hard work and dedication things did shift. Now I am not saying that I no longer suffer, no, I do, I still have bad days, I have triggers, I have to work hard on the behavioural patterns and reactions I have picked up due to trauma which are no longer serving me. It's all a process. BUT it's better, the triggers don't last as long, they don't hit me as hard, I am able to get through them.

So as much as today is tough and it was an ugly reminder of the brokenness in me, thank you also for your gentle reminder that I have indeed come a long way already!

 

[ladee]

But you have made extreme progress. You KNOW the difference between then and now. You are able to see your own progress and acknowledge what it took to get where you are. You are able to make a distinction between what I call "PTSD brain" and your new healthy thinking. That is HUGE!!

Does it take away the body and brain slam of an anniversary?? Not entirely. But you have moved some distance away from the trauma to be able to see things differently!

And the questions you are asking, normal. Normal questions when we are stressed and feeling overwhelmed. And no, healing is not linear. Frustrating and defeating at times. But we can always turn around and see where we started and still see progress.

The thoughts you are having are normal for this situation. You are still doing what you know works to get thru it. It's the getting 'thru' it that makes us doubt ourselves.

You've done some amazing hard work to get to the point you can separate then and now!! Hang on. This won't last forever. You aren't alone. And we do understand.

Do something extra nice for yourself today. Even if it's something simple. Reward yourself for being the warrior you are!! The healing person is much more powerful than the damaged one. You have proven that!!

Sending gentle hugs of encouragement if you accept. :hug:

 

[Itsnotyouitsme]

@ladee, thank you so much! Honestly, when you're having a worse day it's so easy to forget the progress that you have made so thank you for reminding me of that!

I'm going to get though this..

 

[ladee]

((((( @Itsnotyouitsme ))))) Yes you will !! :hug:

 

[Whirlwind]

Folks here gave great advice :) Have you ever checked out Richard Grannon? He has a website and a ton of free youtube. He talks a lot about flashbacks and how healing is impaired by them. I wasn't sure about him as he can get a bit goofy....but later I realized he does it on purpose. He offers a free "plan" for dealing with flashbacks and it helped me.

Honestly, I adore our human brains and how they work to protect us and keep us from harm but then times like these I wonder why my brain would force these flashbacks.. My body feels numb and as though I am going through it all again. It's a very ugly reminder that no matter how much work I put in, I am still damaged :(

He talks a lot about how our brain means well but it causes problems when it comes to trauma. Your comments remind me of things he talks about.

Flashbacks are awful, I still get them rarely but the cool thing is I do catch myself...sometimes the flashbacks are at a low simmer but affecting my perception. These days when I feel off I don't automatically think I am having on but when it persists...I can stop and take stock of my situation.

I am frustrated by the "damaged" thought as well, we didn't deserve it. But! I do think with tenacity and finding the right "key" things get way better. I may be damaged but it is a background issue and gets better every year. I know the dark place, I crawled out of a deep well 2x in my life and today I am so grateful I just kept going.

Check it out, another book that struck me (love Walker but assume you've read him) try Sue Pease Bannitt and "the trauma toolkit". She approaches it from what I think is it a bit unique twist and she strongly feels damage does not need to persist and she's been through it herself.

Just some ideas, I hope you feel better very soon!

Whirlwind