Relationship How To Help My Girlfriend With Relationship Issues When She's At Work

[SirBaron]

Okay first, we're at a long distance relationship, and I intend to move into a place with her towards the end of the year, or early next year, depending on what happens.

However she has C-PTSD, and her PTSD is linked to many things, though I'm proud of how she has been coping lately, she's really impressing me, such a strong woman.

However one of her triggers happens to be when she's at work, and I'm at home, she doesn't know what I'm doing, and when I tell her, she often doesn't believe that it's all I'm doing.

Basically in the past, one of her ex's was cheating on her while she was at work, and cheated on her with many women, which she was unaware of for quite some time, and because of this it feeds her PTSD when I'm at home, and she's at work.

We've talked about it, and she knows what the trigger is, and knows that I most likely wont hurt her (which I wont), but is there anything I can do to help with this particular trigger?

I love her to bits, and have learned and understood her PTSD very well, and what it's triggers are, and I could never hurt my little angel, and would love to hear any advice people have. :)

Thanks, much love.

 

[Nicolette]

Hi SirBaron

I get where your girlfriend is at as I have been in her shoes. I still have pangs of insecurities from time to time and have to talk myself through them and over a period of years have gone from being paranoid to generally feeling very secure with my relationship. What works for one person isn't necessarily the answer for another. That being said, I don't think trigger is the correct word - more association to a similar situation, stressing your girlfriend, which both you and your girlfriend have to learn to manage.

To overcome what is going on your girlfriend will need to work at separating you from anyone else in her past, which will be difficult and sometimes very stressful for her and all you can do is re-assure her. Repetition and time is the only cure here while you re-assure her and her talking herself through her unhelpful thinking to re-train her brain.

Reading this thread and discussions may help you [DLMURL]http://www.ptsdforum.org/threads/13741-Stressor-vs.-Trigger-What-Is-A-Trigger?highlight=Trigger[/DLMURL]

 

[cherryblossom]

I'm not really sure this is a PTSD issue, but more of a trust issue, which is probably made worse by her PTSD. Many people have been cheated on during relationships, who don't have PTSD, and still go on to have problems with trust in future relationships. So I don't think this is a 'trigger' as such. Nor are such problems confined to PTSD, although they are possibly exacerbated due to her PTSD.

You could tell her a million times that you will not cheat on her, but she has to believe it. This is her issue to resolve. If she is in therapy, CBT could be particularly helpful for her, to help her to change the way she thinks. Of course, you should continue to reassure her and support her, but she needs to want to change herself and work hard on herself to be able to trust you. She needs to realise that you love her, and will not cheat on her. She needs to realise that even if she checked on you every hour of the day, that if you wanted to cheat on her you could find a way. I realise that is not the case, you sound devoted to her, but this is her issue, and only she can resolve it.

 

[SirBaron]

I'd agree but her last relationship is what made her PTSD so much worse, and her PTSD is mostly linked to relationships. Yes I agree that people who get cheated on have trust issues on future relationships, , but because she tries to distance her self, says I'm hiding things, even though I'm not, and becomes really paranoid, of many things, and get's upset. Plus it's linked to stuff in the past, it may not be a trigger as such but it's definitely linked to her PTSD.

Then she eventually breaks out of it, and realises she was being paranoid, and tells me the reason why and what happened to her in the past, and goes back to normal, her last relationship really drove her to the point of insanity, and has a lot of scars because of it.

I know trust issues is something only she can really ultimately fix, but when her PTSD is relationship related, it's not very easy for her.

 

[cherryblossom]

I wasn't suggesting it was an easy fix, or that it wasn't related to her PTSD. Just that you can only do so much, the rest is down to her. I'm a PTSD sufferer, and I know that I can be awful to be around. And I also know that I don't always do enough to help myself. From being on this forum, I also understand how hard it can be be for carers. I applaud anyone who stands by a PTSD sufferer, and I applaud you for your patience and understanding. All I'm trying to say (in a very clumsy way!) is that you can only do so much, and the person with PTSD has to want to change, and be prepared to put in the hard work. I'm sure between you both, with lots of openess, honesty and understanding, you will get through this and it will become an amazing step forward in her recovery, because she has you by her side.

 

[Marley]

My girlfriend does the same thing ... I hate (I know it's a strong word but I feel this way over it) it when she asks FIRST thing in most conversations "Where are you?" or "What are you doing?" It just makes me feel like she's stalking me or plotting my location and actions on a map and if I don't tell her what I'm doing or where I am it causes her to lose trust or something ...

 

[SirBaron]

Thanks for the help so far people :).

New problems have recently arose, she keeps seeing "signs" that I'm going to do more to her, her PTSD is not just about cheating, her ex's really did a number on her.

Basically, she thinks that I don't want to be intimate with her, and her words "I will find another guy for that if you don't want to, you wont mind", amongst a sea of other hurtful comments.

She's seeing "signs" but there are no signs, I told her that her PTSD because it's so focused on relationships is making her see things in me that isn't true.

I keep reassuring her that I'm loyal, devoted, and I gave her my word I would never hurt her, but she's being very stubborn about it. I keep telling her, her PTSD changes the way she thinks more than she realises, I know this because she even said her self she was a very different person, before her PTSD developed into C-PTSD when it got made way worse by her ex.

She asks my constantly if I love her, and while I don't mind repeating it, because I do, it shows me how much she can't believe that someone does love her.

I just wish she would listen to me, because I can see when she changes, because a lot of the times she can be really nice, bubbly, cute and a amazing girlfriend, then in the space of a second can suddenly change into a numb emotionless person, who says hurtful things.

I can handle the things she says etc, I'm used to it, and I understand her PTSD, and what caused it. However is there anything I can do?

I told her, her worst enemy is actually her self, and you need to listen to me, because I'm trying to help you, and be there for you. It's frustrating when you know you're doing nothing bad to her, but she thinks you are anyway :(.

 

[Nicolette]

She's seeing "signs" but there are no signs, I told her that her PTSD because it's so focused on relationships is making her see things in me that isn't true.

I keep reassuring her that I'm loyal, devoted, and I gave her my word I would never hurt her, but she's being very stubborn about it. I keep telling her, her PTSD changes the way she thinks more than she realises, I know this because she even said her self she was a very different person, before her PTSD developed into C-PTSD when it got made way worse by her ex.

Firstly, let's get this straight - yes she has PTSD which may exacerbate symptoms however this behaviour can be attributed to 'non-PTSD' people who have been cheated on. First point - not everything is PTSD and is caused by PTSD. My bet is this is due to the low self esteem that "having a number done on her" has caused and is not a PTSD symptom in itself.

She asks my constantly if I love her, and while I don't mind repeating it, because I do, it shows me how much she can't believe that someone does love her.

IMHO poor self esteem............

I just wish she would listen to me, because I can see when she changes, because a lot of the times she can be really nice, bubbly, cute and a amazing girlfriend, then in the space of a second can suddenly change into a numb emotionless person, who says hurtful things.

This is a symptom of PTSD which you need to set boundaries on and she needs to learn to manage as being sick is not an excuse to be hurtful.

I can handle the things she says etc, I'm used to it, and I understand her PTSD, and what caused it. However is there anything I can do?

The only thing you can do is encourage her to help herself and don't accept or handle hurtful things excusing them as PTSD. If you do this you will enable the bad behaviour.

 

[SirBaron]

Yeah, but she had PTSD before her last relationship, and it was no where near as bad as this. Yes she has a somewhat low self esteem, however with her last relationship she actually gave her full trust to that guy, and her full commitment, left her job, and was engaged, and moved countries, only to get abused, and not just by cheating, but by many other forms of abuse too, which drove her to the point that she ended up litteraly going insane.

She's been cheated on in the past before by other people, quite a few times in-fact, but the last relationship was much more than just cheating.

Her Psychiatrist knows how much, her last relationship screwed her over, as she has C-PTSD, and when she sometimes talks about the things she can't bare to think about, she ends up going into a rage. Once she broke a window in the psychiatrists office, and didn't realise what she was doing.

At the moment though, she's on a waiting list again to see the psychiatrist, because she had to cancel them as her work manager said she spends too much time there, and she didn't want to lose her job. ¬_¬

All of her triggers are related to many things she did in her last relationship, talking on Skype with a webcam can trigger her, saying the words "well" and "actually" in a argument can trigger her and make her far worse.

Her PTSD is also due to her childhood abuse, and a few of the relationships she had, but the last one is what basically broke her completely.

Trust me I know the difference between low self esteem, and what her PTSD is caused/triggered by, I used to have a low self esteem my self, and I know her history very well, and having been with her when her PTSD has been triggered many times, I can see the effects of it.

 

[Marley]

That's interesting you've found words that trigger her ptsd. I haven't quite obtained that yet with mine even after 2 years, but I have found a couple hand gestures such as grabbing her arm that get the same results. I'm really only trying to help her in these kind of situations, but it just upsets her and puts her in a fit!