Pre Marriage Anxiety

[marto]

Right now I feel like an imposter and a user. This is my first true relationship where I've lived with a woman I'm dating. I'm also 40 and never been married or have kids. We've been together for 3 years and have been living together for 2 more. Even though their is structure here and we work well together I feel more and more repelled the closer we get to marriage. Her family knows I am hesitant. I'm embarrassing her. They just think I'm using her.

I gravitate towards solitude. She loves me and I don't get it. I'm trying to change but it feel like a liar. I said I wasn't going to get married when I was a kid because my parent's marriage was terrible and full of abuse which was redirected towards me after my father left. If I listen to the therapist from last year I should have already have left. He knows that I'm caustic. I don't want to throw away this relationship but the indecisevness has probably already ruined her and sometimes I think I should have never came back to her after she left me the first time. I don't do well with rejection and I never forget. She left me because I wasn't religious in the beginning and that bothered me deeply.

 

[grit]

So let me breakdown your resistance to what I see (of course I will miss some cause I do not know you):

You are concerned with being user/imposter – this is something that no one else can work on with you except you or you and a therapist. So regardless of her, it is your benefits to get to the bottom of this. It smells childhood trauma related but could be my clouding.

There is some religion differences and this could be a real external issues that you are afraid to even deal with because of LOOK ABOVE issue. My advise to you is again it may be worth to see a professional to dissect with so you are not just following others and have strong foundation in you to make the right decision FOR YOU. In marriage, at the end, no one wants a follower. Even if they did at the beginning, most people get tired of them. So better find some peace in this regard.

The other issue that jumped at me is your perception of how others may see you. All I can say about this is unless you have been in their heads, you probably do not know so this again could be related to the first one and could be a residue of unexamined issues from the past.

It is so easy to say I am like this because of this person but honestly at the end, you are like this no matter what. Could be this woman today or another one tomorrow. So rather than eroding everybody in your life, it may be worth while to find a therapist who can work with you to get some guidance and learn more about yourself so you are not becoming a coat hanger. If you have a therapist, then time to be open and honest about your internal workings so you can benefit the most.

The most redeeming quality about you in this brief note is you are aware of your conflicts, albeit, misplaced and you sound like you are feeling guilty or shame because you do not want to hurt others intentionally or un-intentionally and this part is a part that is not dominant in you at the moment.

Ps. I am also a loner who absolutely enjoys being married. But I asked for my solitude life and was accepted. But I also go out of my own to meet my partner half way sometimes consciously. being a loner does not mean you or me or anyone else does not want a relation. It means this is our basic personality and it can be worked out in honest and open way with a person who loves us and respects us and this goes both ways.

 

[Friday]

Why are you getting married if you wish you’d never gotten back together?

 

[digger]

@marto please log in to your account to reply. Thanks.

 

[hithere]

Hello @marto I don't blame you one bit for being "ambivalent" towards an intimate long term relationship. Of course you long for it, that it is natural dare I say normal? And the abandonment you experienced as a child left deep impressions on your heart, and of course you wouldn't want to go through that again! I imagine you wouldn't lke to have any reminders of the painful childhood either, and warmth of relationship can stir up all the fear of being abandoned and abused even though it is the "warmth of the love" that triggers that. It's super complicated. I can relate on so many levels! For what it is worth I don't think you are an imposter, or a "user" anymore than any other human on this earth. We are all users-I don't care who the person is, all people use each other for good and bad, for better and worse. Hopefully, with commitment to LOVE and to each other you can work on your recovery and grow, you can learn, you can be humble, ask for forgiveness, give forgiveness, move through muck, the shit, the fear and get to a place where you can just BE -- a person who deserves to love and get love back. I think Peter Wagners books are really great for your situation though he is religious he doesn't clobber you with it. He just tells his story of recovery with his wife as they recover from this complex ptsd childhood abuse and neglect. There is hope!

I say it's worth it-and the relationship will either spur you towards recovery or not. Love is a formidable force. Be courageous and go for it!

 

[marto]

Why are you getting married if you wish you’d never gotten back together?

I wouldn't say I wished that we never got back together.

Hello @marto I don't blame you one bit for being "ambivalent" towards an intimate long term relationship. Of course you long for it, that it is natural dare I say normal? And the abandonment you experienced as a child left deep impressions on your heart, and of course you wouldn't want to go through that again! I imagine you wouldn't lke to have any reminders of the painful childhood either, and warmth of relationship can stir up all the fear of being abandoned and abused even though it is the "warmth of the love" that triggers that. It's super complicated. I can relate on so many levels! For what it is worth I don't think you are an imposter, or a "user" anymore than any other human on this earth. We are all users-I don't care who the person is, all people use each other for good and bad, for better and worse. Hopefully, with commitment to LOVE and to each other you can work on your recovery and grow, you can learn, you can be humble, ask for forgiveness, give forgiveness, move through muck, the shit, the fear and get to a place where you can just BE -- a person who deserves to love and get love back. I think Peter Wagners books are really great for your situation though he is religious he doesn't clobber you with it. He just tells his story of recovery with his wife as they recover from this complex ptsd childhood abuse and neglect. There is hope!

I say it's worth it-and the relationship will either spur you towards recovery or not. Love is a formidable force. Be courageous and go for it!

Thanks, I will check out his books. She's been really patient with me but today I left after we argued. I can't figure it out and I'm out of energy trying too. I feel comfortable being by myself even if it leaves me stagnant. I can function that way. I think she has had enough after this last argument.

So let me breakdown your resistance to what I see (of course I will miss some cause I do not know you):

You are concerned with being user/imposter – this is something that no one else can work on with you except you or you and a therapist. So regardless of her, it is your benefits to get to the bottom of this. It smells childhood trauma related but could be my clouding.

There is some religion differences and this could be a real external issues that you are afraid to even deal with because of LOOK ABOVE issue. My advise to you is again it may be worth to see a professional to dissect with so you are not just following others and have strong foundation in you to make the right decision FOR YOU. In marriage, at the end, no one wants a follower. Even if they did at the beginning, most people get tired of them. So better find some peace in this regard.

The other issue that jumped at me is your perception of how others may see you. All I can say about this is unless you have been in their heads, you probably do not know so this again could be related to the first one and could be a residue of unexamined issues from the past.

It is so easy to say I am like this because of this person but honestly at the end, you are like this no matter what. Could be this woman today or another one tomorrow. So rather than eroding everybody in your life, it may be worth while to find a therapist who can work with you to get some guidance and learn more about yourself so you are not becoming a coat hanger. If you have a therapist, then time to be open and honest about your internal workings so you can benefit the most.

The most redeeming quality about you in this brief note is you are aware of your conflicts, albeit, misplaced and you sound like you are feeling guilty or shame because you do not want to hurt others intentionally or un-intentionally and this part is a part that is not dominant in you at the moment.

Ps. I am also a loner who absolutely enjoys being married. But I asked for my solitude life and was accepted. But I also go out of my own to meet my partner half way sometimes consciously. being a loner does not mean you or me or anyone else does not want a relation. It means this is our basic personality and it can be worked out in honest and open way with a person who loves us and respects us and this goes both ways.

Yes, it's been a nagging feeling of a kind of shame and guilt I don't think I've ever experienced. I think about it most of the day and drink a lot. I think I will have issues with other women as well. Emotionally I feel like I'm stuck as a teenager that never really got to experience happy teenage years. I'm really resentful about it. It's confusing. I can't get it back but I can't get over it either. I worked with a therapist last fall and got on medication. The medication didn't seem to help at all. I need to find a therapist and stick with it because I'm getting to the age where chasing a childhood I missed out on is just crazy. You are right I've been eroding just about everything.

 

[HealingMama]

Can't really help but I can offer solidarity. I about had a panic attack the day I got married and almost called it off. I've always been a bit afraid of commitment. I think because it is such a big commitment, it's normal to feel unsure. I think it's a bigger red flag if someone has no concern at all because then they aren't trying to think through the decision.

Marriage is a big step and provides one of the most unique opportunities for growth, delight and amazement you could ever find. It isn't without its challenges but if you are aware of your past and how it impacts the present then you will be up for that challenge should you choose to pursue it.

 

[Gs172003]

Ok I just read your intro again and I 100% understand why you are so reluctant. Your life with the woman you grew up with (Mom) was a pattern of abuse then solitude. Abuse then solitude. The solitude I would guess was much easier, right?
You have to get into therapy to untangle the web that this is not your life anymore.
Once you get better THEN see where you are. Good luck!

 

[Friday]

I wouldn't say I wished that we never got back together.

Okay... then to rephrase a bit..

I don't want to throw away this relationship but the indecisevness has probably already ruined her and sometimes I think I should have never came back to her after she left me the first time. I don't do well with rejection and I never forget.

Why move onto a more committed step if you’re uncertain of the step that you’re currently on?

I’m not asking these rhetorically, as if I think you shouldn’t get married. People are often of 2 minds about something, especially important things, and 1 outweighs the other. I’m asking honestly, to understand your reasons for marrying.

It could be a challenge, a grand experiment, the best possible thing for both of you as you move past childhood fears and come into your own ; it could be a repellent obligation you feel forced into out of guilt & shame & fear of how others perceive you & the divorce -after ticking all the right boxes- will be a relief anticipated even before the wedding. Or any of a hundred other things. Nooooo idea. People marry for all kinds of reasons. What are yours?