I feel like people are lying to me. Alot.

[Gs172003]

More often than not I feel like I'm being lied to by any and every body. How do I stop being this way?

 

[TruthSeeker]

Sometimes I feel this way and it is legitimate. Sometimes I feel this way, and I have no proof...and I think it is because they have lied in the past, so my trust level is already low. Can you give a few examples?

 

[Gs172003]

Sometimes I feel this way and it is legitimate. Sometimes I feel this way, and I have no proof...and I think it is because they have lied in the past, so my trust level is already low. Can you give a few examples?

The most recent example....

There was a teenager at the park that had caught a snake. My husband and I stopped to talk to him to find out what it was and what he planned to do with it. He wanted to take it home. I had thought at the time it was illegal so I took the snake from him and told him I would give it back once I found it it was legal. In the meantime he's telling me he's called all the proper channels and has been told it's legal. I think he's lying. I later find out he's not. ( I ended up just giving the snake back to him anyway because I can't get ahold of anybody)
I didn't know this kid. I should have took him at his word because I had no proof otherwise. But I didn't.

Anyway that happens all the time. With family members, with strangers, with coworkers, etc etc. How do I stop? Surely not everybody is truly lying to me...are they?

 

[somerandomguy]

Hmmm. I'd say that sometimes, maybe even most times, it really doesn't matter if the random people in our lives who we may or may not see again are lying or not. Even if other people we know are lying to us, maybe it doesn't even matter most of the time.

Did you know that kid? To be perfectly honest, whether he kept the snake was not your business, illegal or not.

I think this situation was more about control than about lying. You can't control most of what happens during the day, but you have a choice about how you react to it. In this case, you took the path of most reaction, when no action or reaction was required at all. Maybe that's a thing you could work on.

 

[Chris-duck]

I feel like people are lying all the time too. In reality sometimes people are, and sometimes they aren't. I guess to deal with it I just ask myself whether they have a motive to lie and probably more importantly, if it even matters to me if they are. Cos most of the time they either have no reason to lie so probably aren't, or they totally could be, but it doesn't affect me whether they are or not anyway. Dunno if that's helpful, but I get it.

 

[blackemerald1]

Being lied to is a big thing for me. I loathe liers.

I realise I don't have control over whether people choose to lie (to me) or not however if I learn that they are telling lies or have told me lies... it greatly affects how I think of them. Rightly or wrongly.. I deal better with the truth.

Trust is a major, major factor in my dealings and relationships with people. If trust is gone.. there isn't much else that I'd believe was worth hanging onto.

The cheap way people dispense with the truth really bothers me... whether or not it's got anything to do with me.

I think you had every right to step in @Zoogal and check that the snake was not being taken from the wild illegally. I'm glad you did and I'm also glad the kid who had the snake wasn't doing the wrong thing. Win/win there imho. :)

How do I stop being this way?

Idk how you stop this. I'm not sure you even should stop yourself from considering if someone is being truthful or not. Really it's about standards and what you want to accept from other people.

 

[Gs172003]

Being lied to is a big thing for me. I loathe liers.

I realise I don't have control over whether people choose to lie (to me) or not however if I learn that they are telling lies or have told me lies... it greatly affects how I think of them. Rightly or wrongly.. I deal better with the truth.

Trust is a major, major factor in my dealings and relationships with people. If trust is gone.. there isn't much else that I'd believe was worth hanging onto.

The cheap way people dispense with the truth really bothers me... whether or not it's got anything to do with me.

I think you had every right to step in @Zoogal and check that the snake was not being taken from the wild illegally. I'm glad you did and I'm also glad the kid who had the snake wasn't doing the wrong thing. Win/win there imho. :)



Idk how you stop this. I'm not sure you even should stop yourself from considering if someone is being truthful or not. Really it's about standards and what you want to accept from other people.

I get what you're saying but... should I always default to "they're lying?"

My ex husband lied. Alot. I don't know if that has anything to do with this or not.

Now that I think about it so does my mom. And my sister. And quite a few people in my life.

It's making sense now.....

 

[blackemerald1]

should I always default to "they're lying?"

I don't think you should default to that position with everyone. But I'm going to sound hypocritical here and tell you right now I probably do default to that way of thinking too. It might take a lot of work to curb it. But again, I truly believe having a healthy amount of scepticism about the ability for anyone to be honest and not tell you lies is probably good for self-preservation imo. Call me paranoid lol...

If you are thinking that everyone is telling you lies and it's similar to a intrusive thoughts... or, if it is getting in the way of really important relationships where you want to be able to trust (and you actually do have absolute faith in the truthfulness of the other party) or, it's becoming an obstacle to your happiness then yeah...perhaps it is a problem.

It certainly might be a problem for the other party too... I mean lets be honest, it's not comfortable for most people to think that you are a thinking they are a liar... So, this may be a problem from both sides. However, that's different again from not just accepting what people say without considering the veracity of their statements.

It's an interesting thing you bring up @Zoogal. I've not thought it was a problem for me. What was a problem was when I did believe most of what people in my private life told me and they turned out to be f*cking liars and as a result, they managed to screw up my life in so many ways I couldn't count!

Having been so badly lied to myself, (and isn't horrible!) and by some people I completely trusted and believed in; the whole idea that people will not lie to me is now obsolete for me. That's sad I think. But maybe necessary too. Again, self preservation kicking in there I think.

If I have to rely on someone to not lie, I need to be 100% certain I am on solid ground with that person. That's not common for me anymore. In fact sadly, it's probably not a realistic expectation I have of anyone outside of a couple of professional relationships.

I can see how, if you have been mentally broken by systematic lies by a SO - that trust, belief etc or whatever you want to call it... gets wrecked. Deception is such an underhanded wrecking ball to self-esteem. I don't think it's necessarily a failing on your behalf to think the way you do, given what you have experienced.

I don't know how you feel but for me, it's not so much about what or whether other people will lie to me now, it's my expectation that they do and constantly evaluating the likelihood that any given thing is a lie, why they may lie and how I'm likely to respond to that lie. In many circumstances I say and do nothing but walk away from them in terms of never trusting or relying on them. Obviously this is quite exhausting in many ways and therefore the very reason why I tend to avoid people who run loose with the truth.

So.. how to stop it? I don't know because that really means that you can assert some control over the minds and mouths of other people. Outside of some brainwashing techniques, I've not seen anyone be successful with that type of thing. I don't try to do that myself so there are not many options left are there?

Oh I might add, I'm not talking about little white lies.. I'm not so purist .. I know people tell lies like that and I don't really care about that stuff - again unless it negatively affects me. I've probably told millions of little lies too.. :wtf: It's the big stuff that does my head in.

Loss of confidence in myself and humanity is probably underlying my lack of trust. I probably should work on that. I'll add it to the list.. sigh...

Now that I think about it so does my mom. And my sister. And quite a few people in my life.

^ I'm not sure I understand.. do you mean they have the same default position and are sceptical too?

 

[Gs172003]

I don't think you should default to that position with everyone. But I'm going to sound hypocritical here and tell you right now I probably do default to that way of thinking too. It might take a lot of work to curb it. But again, I truly believe having a healthy amount of scepticism about the ability for anyone to be honest and not tell you lies is probably good for self-preservation imo. Call me paranoid lol...

If you are thinking that everyone is telling you lies and it's similar to a intrusive thoughts... or, if it is getting in the way of really important relationships where you want to be able to trust (and you actually do have absolute faith in the truthfulness of the other party) or, it's becoming an obstacle to your happiness then yeah...perhaps it is a problem.

It certainly might be a problem for the other party too... I mean lets be honest, it's not comfortable for most people to think that you are a thinking they are a liar... So, this may be a problem from both sides. However, that's different again from not just accepting what people say without considering the veracity of their statements.

It's an interesting thing you bring up @Zoogal. I've not thought it was a problem for me. What was a problem was when I did believe most of what people in my private life told me and they turned out to be f*cking liars and as a result, they managed to screw up my life in so many ways I couldn't count!

Having been so badly lied to myself, (and isn't horrible!) and by some people I completely trusted and believed in; the whole idea that people will not lie to me is now obsolete for me. That's sad I think. But maybe necessary too. Again, self preservation kicking in there I think.

If I have to rely on someone to not lie, I need to be 100% certain I am on solid ground with that person. That's not common for me anymore. In fact sadly, it's probably not a realistic expectation I have of anyone outside of a couple of professional relationships.

I can see how, if you have been mentally broken by systematic lies by a SO - that trust, belief etc or whatever you want to call it... gets wrecked. Deception is such an underhanded wrecking ball to self-esteem. I don't think it's necessarily a failing on your behalf to think the way you do, given what you have experienced.

I don't know how you feel but for me, it's not so much about what or whether other people will lie to me now, it's my expectation that they do and constantly evaluating the likelihood that any given thing is a lie, why they may lie and how I'm likely to respond to that lie. In many circumstances I say and do nothing but walk away from them in terms of never trusting or relying on them. Obviously this is quite exhausting in many ways and therefore the very reason why I tend to avoid people who run loose with the truth.

So.. how to stop it? I don't know because that really means that you can assert some control over the minds and mouths of other people. Outside of some brainwashing techniques, I've not seen anyone be successful with that type of thing. I don't try to do that myself so there are not many options left are there?

Oh I might add, I'm not talking about little white lies.. I'm not so purist .. I know people tell lies like that and I don't really care about that stuff - again unless it negatively affects me. I've probably told millions of little lies too.. :wtf: It's the big stuff that does my head in.

Loss of confidence in myself and humanity is probably underlying my lack of trust. I probably should work on that. I'll add it to the list.. sigh...



^ I'm not sure I understand.. do you mean they have the same default position and are sceptical too?

I don't know how to shorten qoutes to get to the part I want. Sorry...

I understand everything you are saying and it makes total sense. I think the boy last night made me realize that not everybody is lying to me.
The my mom sister etc part.....
They lie alot too.

 

[blackemerald1]

I think the boy last night made me realize that not everybody is lying to me.

^You are so right not everybody lies. However, a lot do unfortunately. How the hell do you tell? I can't. Wouldn't it be good if we all could though? It amounts to being able to read minds. Or trusting you gut or common sense. Apart from blatant lies which to a fairly switched on person are sort of obvious how do you tell and particularly with someone whom you don't know well?

With the snake boy... you probably had a responsibility to wonder if he would lie? I mean how many people have snakes and in those particular circumstances? Not many I reckon. So, it wasn't unrealistic for you to doubt him. It'd be natural in fact and maybe more so given your expertise in that particular area?

And.. be pleasantly surprised and no doubt relieved that he wasn't telling you a lie.

The thing here is that another living creature's well being relied upon you knowing the law and having a healthy scepticism towards the situation. Your concern was centred around the well being of the snake not so much the moral compass of the kid? No harm was done to either the boy or the snake in the end. Personally, I think you were right to question him. I would have done so too.

They lie alot too.

^This is a big problem. This is where relationships get eroded and even worse... it's so personal because they are family.

If they've lied in the past and you've suffered from being told lies it can be very destabilizing.

In this case.. I think you are justified in evaluating what they say. Particularly if it's important to you.

I don't know how you try and stop yourself from suspecting that people are lying to you when there is some risk that they are. Possibly you could talk to them about why they are persisting with telling you lies but they might end up causing arguments. People who habitually lie sometimes don't recognise they are doing this even in themselves.

 

[grit]

Is there one person whom you feel are telling you the truth or not lying to you?

 

[Gs172003]

Is there one person whom you feel are telling you the truth or not lying to you?

Actually yes. There is a whole new set of family I just found out about and so far I feel like they are honest. But they are also no where near me. If they were close to here it might be different. These are a dad, sister brother and an uncle. ( Long story for another day and one reason I know Mom is a liar)