I got divorced in 2006. Have had quite a few relationships since then--the longest was 4 years, off and on. Honestly, not since my marriage had I felt a connection with someone, the way I did with my most recent ex. Not sure how to describe it. But it's something that rarely happens, in my experience. He'd only had 1 other relationship before me, and it was the abusive ex. So, he didn't have much to compare our relationship to.
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Relationship What do I do now?
- Post starter Phillearn
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I think key piece is right this: Since I felt connection
Not that it doesn't exist out there, but that in the way you relate, you could not, in the whole constellation. Might take a while to get all those little pieces down, what it was he brought, what it was you brought in, what was the time then that felt special 'n magicks, but the feeling itself can come back around.
& Maybe not that connection, but some other, the same meaningful, deep, mattering... just from the place you are now, not where you were before.
Thinking how much to this is depression, grief, trauma, other hurt, longing, nostalgy, melancholy, loss, etc, over what was, which yeah, are bound to get in the way with each time... but those facets can be dealt with. Moved from, if not healed.
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- #15
That's definitely an interesting view although it makes me feel like maybe intense isn't the right word to describe what i mean. it wasn't the kind of intensity that feels like living every day as if its your last. i mean more the intensity of the feelings. for me personally, in a very short space of time i truly believed i had found the person that i had been waiting for. to be honest i feel like that had so much more to do with her and who she is than it does to do with me and how i approach things. i couldnt make myself feel that way about someone, nor could i behave in a way that resulted in someone else giving me the feelings she did.
i wouldnt want to speak for any of the other people who's feelings seem similar to mine but what ive interpreted from those in a similar situation to me, it feels like it comes from a place where we kind of know. i've dated, been in relationships and this was the first time it all just seemed to fall into place. i wasnt in constant contact with her because she or i forced it, it was because we had so much to say, so much to share with each other. the connection didnt feel like it came from a conscious effort to be open, or funny, or serious, it felt so natural. It felt like we cherished each other, like we both knew we were lucky to have found each other. And then it was gone. In a day. And im left to question how that happens. Coming here and reading so many similar stories helped in a number of ways. Mainly in starting to feel like the cause of it wasnt really anything i did or didnt do or could change. While that helps a little bit, it doesnt do much for the sense of loss, for the memory of the feeling of having a connection like that. and, perhaps worst of all, for the hope that it might return, with her
I think I may understand what you mean.
The explanation may be just the pathology- why a seemingly 2 event on what should be a scale of disconnection or hurt or mistrust suddenly becomes a 10 rupture of the relationship, without even seemingly a warning. It could be a lack of emotional connection, or being selfish or self-serving, or expectations, or not owning one's own 'stuff', of course (common in relationships, and especially during the time of getting to know one another, and being more authentic over time), but it could also be slamming in to (without warning) a trigger that is so wrapped up in the past it brings all the fear and mistrust and meaning from it.
By intensity I am thinking less of drama and more of depth (of connection), willingness to go there but ability to hold that space, also. (Which I suppose involves not only what matters, but knowing and being known, and priorities or values beyond the superficial). But triggers can be the equivalent of a landmine. Which doesn't reflect on you, but rather where what seems to be small taps in to what is huge from the past.
And additionally, I learned recently even touching upon good or positive areas (they used the example support) can potentially make one feel badly, or badly about themself (in that case they said because it goes back to everything related to attachment, the good, the bad and the ugly). So someone could feel good, then 1/2 hour later feel awful, and not understand why. (Which is different however from expectations, or control, etc. in average relationships- I mean rather feel badly about themself).
That is why the person themself has to figure out enough consciously to examine their own thoughts and behaviour(s) and reactions. And trust is always a risk, too.
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- #17
@Tinyflame i think that’s really insightful. As well as apologising all the time, one of her other traits I noticed was to always jump to the worst possible conclusion. This wasn’t limited to our relationship, it seemed to be with almost every interaction involving other people.
After our vacation she did the same, she got a bit impatient with me a couple of times which must mean our relationship is doomed. One night she didn’t want me to kiss her so she must not be attracted to me.
The thing that’s eating me up inside is all of the things I’ve learned since she called it off. I realise that it might not have made a difference to the outcome but I can’t help but feel that if I’d have known then what I do now, I could have handled it better and things might not have been so definitive for her. Doesn’t feel like there’s anything I can do now though
After our vacation she did the same, she got a bit impatient with me a couple of times which must mean our relationship is doomed. One night she didn’t want me to kiss her so she must not be attracted to me.
The thing that’s eating me up inside is all of the things I’ve learned since she called it off. I realise that it might not have made a difference to the outcome but I can’t help but feel that if I’d have known then what I do now, I could have handled it better and things might not have been so definitive for her. Doesn’t feel like there’s anything I can do now though
Well I don't think anyone knows if it could have made a difference @Phillearn , only because it takes applying that knowledge over and over and over, over much time. And building trust. And, along with that, understanding what it really requires irl , not just text from a book, and what it demands of you by virtue of how it is- and whether or not that is even worth it? And amidst all of that, both people working on their own stuff (and having reason to), and doing it within everyday life and stress, and meeting the expectations of others and their own needs in the relationship. (And that's without specifically processing trauma on top of it). Not even touching on shared goals or dreams. And prioritizing- surely her child is the #1 priority for her, and needs to be. And if she is falling apart, her child is going to bear the brunt of it.
ETA however, I don't think the intensity or depth of connection or whatever you want to call it, is just the same across the board with all persons. Because even if someone brings that out somewhat in others, it doesn't mean it's reciprocated. I know I bring myself the same inherent way everywhere, but I did not ever feel the same with any 2 people. Nor is it likely or common, at least for me who was not one to ever share anything personal. So it is most likely not something you imagined. Giving is easier than receiving, IMHO. Though, tbh, not for the partner of someone with ptsd. You might have grown very weary of what doesn't resolve quickly.
I'm sorry it went the way it did. :( :hug:
ETA however, I don't think the intensity or depth of connection or whatever you want to call it, is just the same across the board with all persons. Because even if someone brings that out somewhat in others, it doesn't mean it's reciprocated. I know I bring myself the same inherent way everywhere, but I did not ever feel the same with any 2 people. Nor is it likely or common, at least for me who was not one to ever share anything personal. So it is most likely not something you imagined. Giving is easier than receiving, IMHO. Though, tbh, not for the partner of someone with ptsd. You might have grown very weary of what doesn't resolve quickly.
I'm sorry it went the way it did. :( :hug:
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- #19
I know what you mean and largely agree with you, @Tinyflame. I guess the biggest regret I have is that I took it personally, rather than trying to understand more about her and what she was going through.
As for whether or not it’s worth it, I guess before the feelings had developed I’d have probably said no. But they did and to me it feels like it’s what I signed up for when I started a relationship with her. The good and the bad. The fact that she doesn’t really have anyone else makes this feeling even stronger.
Her child is absolutely her number 1 priority and absolutely should be. I think that responsibility and love is a big way of how she copes, putting a brave face on for the sake of the child. I don’t know that she’s falling apart, for all I know she could be fine, in a new relationship, in therapy or in pieces. Just noticed the other day that she’s removed all of her instagram followers, which she’d talked about doing before but seems like it could mean something.
Honestly I feel certain our connection wasn’t something I imagined. Much like I feel certain her reason for ending it didn’t match the reality of what we were. Feels like that makes it harder in a way because, despite knowing better, I can’t help but hope that she’ll reach the same realisation soon.
I appreciate your kind words. I’m over the worst of it now, it’s been 2 weeks since we spoke and I’m adjusting to life without her. I wish I didn’t have to, but I am,
As for whether or not it’s worth it, I guess before the feelings had developed I’d have probably said no. But they did and to me it feels like it’s what I signed up for when I started a relationship with her. The good and the bad. The fact that she doesn’t really have anyone else makes this feeling even stronger.
Her child is absolutely her number 1 priority and absolutely should be. I think that responsibility and love is a big way of how she copes, putting a brave face on for the sake of the child. I don’t know that she’s falling apart, for all I know she could be fine, in a new relationship, in therapy or in pieces. Just noticed the other day that she’s removed all of her instagram followers, which she’d talked about doing before but seems like it could mean something.
Honestly I feel certain our connection wasn’t something I imagined. Much like I feel certain her reason for ending it didn’t match the reality of what we were. Feels like that makes it harder in a way because, despite knowing better, I can’t help but hope that she’ll reach the same realisation soon.
I appreciate your kind words. I’m over the worst of it now, it’s been 2 weeks since we spoke and I’m adjusting to life without her. I wish I didn’t have to, but I am,
Well I'm no authority on it @Phillearn , and if you both felt it in your best interests to to jump in feet first, it may be very different than myself.
It sounds like you're accepting and moving on. Best wishes to you. :hug:
It sounds like you're accepting and moving on. Best wishes to you. :hug:
@Phillearn I came back one last time to add something that occurred to me. It's so very tempting (and human) to not only try to make sense of things, but be able to do so in a convenient, check-the-boxes-kind-of-way.
But life is so complex, people so complex, relationships so complex, that some of the answers I think take years and even a lifetime to be understood. For example: What part is ptsd? What is co-morbid, if at all? What comes back to attachment; trauma; history in general? What is motivation? Coping skills (good & bad). Self awareness? Self-fulfilling +/ or self-sabotaging? Learning to identify what is unconscious, and bring to one's awareness. The Inner Critic. Expectations. Self Regard. Core beliefs. Cognitive distortions. Recognizing the role of self care, including sleep, pain management. How we process information. Our greatest fears. What is the role of commitment,. And the basics of ptsd-management, such as the Stress Cup Analogy presents. How to love other people, how to love one's self. Forgiveness (of both). (Etc etc.)
I thought, finding out so much, problem solved, now I know what to do (how to manage). But that was/is very different than processing 'stuff', and coming to terms with some stuff- leads to other stuff (the peeling the onion analogy). And lots of work and suffering. Joys and growth too, but not a linear process.
I have also found (more recently) attachment issues and lack of self-compassion probably influence much. So, for example, when I avoid, I have to determine what's the biggest factor(s) driving it, or what combination. Part of (my) life, but also part of living more joyfully, and with a feeling of safety (if possible). Constantly needing to auto-correct, like a GPS. And then even, it's trial and error.
So, whatever way things unfold, I think there has to be a lot of healing and maturity, to tackle it head-on. Not just individually, but in relationships; in regards to self-concept and self-acceptance or self-respect; in reconciling one's identity with one's past. Etc. And there are a lot more things, individual to each. Even regulating to a baseline of learning how to feel safe, and retain it is a huge challenge (at least for me personally). And emotions (with safety), peace and finding purpose or self-worth, well a bit like looking for the Holy Grail, much of the time.
What I like, is something Thomas Edison said about finding the Tungsten filament for the lightbulb: that all the filaments that 'failed' before were not failures but successes at ruling out what didn't work.
Best wishes to you both. :hug:
But life is so complex, people so complex, relationships so complex, that some of the answers I think take years and even a lifetime to be understood. For example: What part is ptsd? What is co-morbid, if at all? What comes back to attachment; trauma; history in general? What is motivation? Coping skills (good & bad). Self awareness? Self-fulfilling +/ or self-sabotaging? Learning to identify what is unconscious, and bring to one's awareness. The Inner Critic. Expectations. Self Regard. Core beliefs. Cognitive distortions. Recognizing the role of self care, including sleep, pain management. How we process information. Our greatest fears. What is the role of commitment,. And the basics of ptsd-management, such as the Stress Cup Analogy presents. How to love other people, how to love one's self. Forgiveness (of both). (Etc etc.)
I thought, finding out so much, problem solved, now I know what to do (how to manage). But that was/is very different than processing 'stuff', and coming to terms with some stuff- leads to other stuff (the peeling the onion analogy). And lots of work and suffering. Joys and growth too, but not a linear process.
I have also found (more recently) attachment issues and lack of self-compassion probably influence much. So, for example, when I avoid, I have to determine what's the biggest factor(s) driving it, or what combination. Part of (my) life, but also part of living more joyfully, and with a feeling of safety (if possible). Constantly needing to auto-correct, like a GPS. And then even, it's trial and error.
So, whatever way things unfold, I think there has to be a lot of healing and maturity, to tackle it head-on. Not just individually, but in relationships; in regards to self-concept and self-acceptance or self-respect; in reconciling one's identity with one's past. Etc. And there are a lot more things, individual to each. Even regulating to a baseline of learning how to feel safe, and retain it is a huge challenge (at least for me personally). And emotions (with safety), peace and finding purpose or self-worth, well a bit like looking for the Holy Grail, much of the time.
What I like, is something Thomas Edison said about finding the Tungsten filament for the lightbulb: that all the filaments that 'failed' before were not failures but successes at ruling out what didn't work.
Best wishes to you both. :hug:
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- #22
Thank you again @Tinyflame. It certainly sounds like you’re doing an amazing job at self healing in terms of working towards understanding and caring for yourself. You should be proud of yourself for that. I’m far from an expert but it seems obvious that that is a huge step in itself.
Unfortunately, I’m not sure the same is true of my ex. She’s very much an ‘I’m fine’ kinda girl. Tells herself she’s not a ‘victim’ and puts on a very brave face. I think that’s part of why I never really looked into the kind of affects that the experiences she shared with me could have. Because she seemed to be coping with it all.
Reading through this forum I see how wrong that perception of mine was. She barely sleeps, she drinks quite a bit, she has shortness of breath, heart palpations, waves of strong emotions and what I now know to be real triggers for seemingly innocuous things. We went to return something to a shop once and she forgot the receipt which caused a mild anxiety attack. She explained it was the kind of thing her ex would freak out about. I did my best to calm her but again, the fact that she told me about it and seemed to recover quickly meant I didn’t think much more about it.
Add to all this a lack of support network and money, and a toddler who is totally dependent on her, I really don’t know how she’ll be able to reach the level of self reflection and care that you seem to have. Many people say that’s not my problem anymore but that’s not how I feel. I haven’t stopped caring for her at all. There’s nothing I want more than to support her however I can in her path to healing but I have no idea how.
I posted a letter to her last week, I’m not too optimistic it’ll change anything but it felt like the least intrusive way to let her know that I’m still here.
Fortunately for me I have a great therapist who has helped me with a lot over the last few weeks. I just wish she did too.
Unfortunately, I’m not sure the same is true of my ex. She’s very much an ‘I’m fine’ kinda girl. Tells herself she’s not a ‘victim’ and puts on a very brave face. I think that’s part of why I never really looked into the kind of affects that the experiences she shared with me could have. Because she seemed to be coping with it all.
Reading through this forum I see how wrong that perception of mine was. She barely sleeps, she drinks quite a bit, she has shortness of breath, heart palpations, waves of strong emotions and what I now know to be real triggers for seemingly innocuous things. We went to return something to a shop once and she forgot the receipt which caused a mild anxiety attack. She explained it was the kind of thing her ex would freak out about. I did my best to calm her but again, the fact that she told me about it and seemed to recover quickly meant I didn’t think much more about it.
Add to all this a lack of support network and money, and a toddler who is totally dependent on her, I really don’t know how she’ll be able to reach the level of self reflection and care that you seem to have. Many people say that’s not my problem anymore but that’s not how I feel. I haven’t stopped caring for her at all. There’s nothing I want more than to support her however I can in her path to healing but I have no idea how.
I posted a letter to her last week, I’m not too optimistic it’ll change anything but it felt like the least intrusive way to let her know that I’m still here.
Fortunately for me I have a great therapist who has helped me with a lot over the last few weeks. I just wish she did too.
lostforgottensoul
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This can all be from drinking too much by the way.
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- #24
Perhaps but I don’t think she drinks enough for that to be the case. She’s not getting drunk every night or even drinking every day. I don’t really drink at all so I may be more sensitive to it but I felt like overall her relationship with alcohol wasn’t great
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