depressed dad

[BlueBerry6999]

Just need to get off my chest what happened last saturday...

So my boyfriend and some friends organized a party and since the location was near my dad's house, I invited him too.
He's been going through a lot lately.
He was diagnosed with morbus bechterew and is unable to work, but the state refuses to pay him any kind of welfare. He lost his job at 55 years old and can't get a new one, soon he's not going to receive any money at all and his girlfriend left him. He's in constant pain and moves like a 70-year old.
Also he's been struggling with depression all his life and he's a recovering alcoholic.

Anyway, so at first he was enjoying himself at that party but then he drank way too much vodka. (I didn't see it, else I would have tried to stop him). Then he broke down completely, started crying and wouldn't stop. Broke down physically and ended up lying on the floor with his head in my lap and kept saying that he's so lonely and doesn't want to live anymore. That went on for at least an hour, I tried to comfort him but it broke my heart and I ended up breaking down too, so my sister took over and sent me away to get a grip.
When I returned, he was still crying, then he started screaming, not words, just screaming out, and I honestly considered calling an ambulance because I didn't know what he would do next.

My boyfriend then drove him home and my sister stayed with him during the night. Now we are looking for ways to help him and end his loneliness, but I have that constant fear that one day I'll wake up and he'll be gone.
It's nothing new that he has depression and a couple years ago there was a time when he was close to killing himself, but I've never seen him like that before and I have no idea how to help him

 

[Gs172003]

If it were my dad I would have him hospitalized if you think he is serious. At the very least they can try to get him stabilized and get him the resources he needs.

 

[ButterflyBean]

If you are in the US and have a smart phone/can text, you, or your dad, can contact the Crisis Text Line by texting “HOME” or “START” to 741741. You will be connected to a trained counselor who will listen, do a risk assessment, and provide referrals if desired. The service is also in Canada and the UK, but I’m not sure of the short codes. I volunteer for this wonderful organization, and in my opinion, the network is vastly different than any others I have heard of and utilized.

 

[BlueBerry6999]

If it were my dad I would have him hospitalized if you think he is serious. At the very least they can try to get him stabilized and get him the resources he needs.

I honestly don't think that would be a good idea. If I thought he might hurt himself right away, I would have stayed with him longer. We've been in touch every day since that night. He feels embarrassed but has sobered up.
My fear is just that eventually he might come to the conclusion that there's nothing left for him. It might be tomorrow, or in a week, or in a year. The biggest risk in my opinion is that he might go back to drinking and lose control...
I think if finally he got a disability pension, there would be so much weight taken off his shoulders and he could focus on his well-being.
I am actually considering calling his doctor and asking her to declare him too mentally ill to work. So far, the state won't pay because he has no active inflammations. But the ones he had have left his bones damaged, hence the pain. That doesn't count as a valid reason for a pension, but maybe his depression might.

If you are in the US and have a smart phone/can text, you, or your dad, can contact the Crisis Text Line by texting “HOME” or “START” to 741741. You will be connected to a trained counselor who will listen, do a risk assessment, and provide referrals if desired. The service is also in Canada and the UK, but I’m not sure of the short codes. I volunteer for this wonderful organization, and in my opinion, the network is vastly different than any others I have heard of and utilized.

Thank you! We don't live in the states, but there is something similar here as well. Honestly I didn't even think of it that night... I have already been in touch with them for myself once

 

[Justmehere]

Is he in therapy or treatment or AA? Any support of any kind?

Has he spoken with the doctor himself to request the evaluation?

 

[BlueBerry6999]

Is he in therapy or treatment or AA? Any support of any kind?

Has he spoken with the doctor himself to request the evaluation?

He is or was in therapy... I'm actually not sure if he's still seeing a therapist. I don't think he has asked for this, it may hurt his pride. I will suggest it to him next time I see him... or I might just text him about it.

I just received a text from him today, asking me if I could imagine my boyfriend and I moving in with him... He didn't say it but I think he's really scared he might lose the house. But I honestly can't imagine the three of us living together, there's not enough space and my boyfriend and I want a place for the future, where we can have a dog and kids one day... But I do feel selfish about rejecting his offer

 

[Justmehere]

You have a lot of compassion for him and sounds like he is really hurting. I caution you against trying to rescue him, especially when he’s not engaged in asking for help or treatment of those around around him (like his doctor and etc) who can help. I have several family members who are alcoholics or in various stages of recovering from alcoholism. Friends and family of loved ones struggling with it and what they were self medicating tend to want to co-dependently rescue.

Unless he signs a release form with his doctor, the clinic can’t even admit to you if he is a patient or not, and won’t likely take much info from you, and if they did, it would go back to him.

I’d suggest instead of making uneasy promises about moving in, redirect the dialogue to offering to go with him to the doc, or AA... where he can get help for his depression and connect with others so that he’s less lonely. Drinking can cause depression to get worse and it’s common for alcoholics to hide it the most from family. If you move in it may be a really hard experience for you both. It’s not selfish to have a boundary there and to not be able to move in with him.

The more you can keep solid boundaries the better you’ll be able to support him and be a empathic encourager over the long haul.

It’s really tough to do, and he’s going to keep trying to have you resolve his pain... but you can’t. He’s got to get help from others too and do the work. He’s got to reach a point where he’s willing to make changes and sometimes that means a bit of a slide down and loved ones saying no, but I’ll help you get help.

You could normalcies that it’s realky common for people with illnesses and medical problems to need some extra help to get by. Make it ordinary. I’ve even talked to family in recovery hesitant about getting help about the help I’ve gotten from therapy. I hope he’s really receptive to the idea.

 

[BlueBerry6999]

You have a lot of compassion for him and sounds like he is really hurting. I caution you against trying to rescue him, especially when he’s not engaged in asking for help or treatment of those around around him (like his doctor and etc) who can help. I have several family members who are alcoholics or in various stages of recovering from alcoholism. Friends and family of loved ones struggling with it and what they were self medicating tend to want to co-dependently rescue.

Unless he signs a release form with his doctor, the clinic can’t even admit to you if he is a patient or not, and won’t likely take much info from you, and if they did, it would go back to him.

I’d suggest instead of making uneasy promises about moving in, redirect the dialogue to offering to go with him to the doc, or AA... where he can get help for his depression and connect with others so that he’s less lonely. Drinking can cause depression to get worse and it’s common for alcoholics to hide it the most from family. If you move in it may be a really hard experience for you both. It’s not selfish to have a boundary there and to not be able to move in with him.

The more you can keep solid boundaries the better you’ll be able to support him and be a empathic encourager over the long haul.

It’s really tough to do, and he’s going to keep trying to have you resolve his pain... but you can’t. He’s got to get help from others too and do the work. He’s got to reach a point where he’s willing to make changes and sometimes that means a bit of a slide down and loved ones saying no, but I’ll help you get help.

You could normalcies that it’s realky common for people with illnesses and medical problems to need some extra help to get by. Make it ordinary. I’ve even talked to family in recovery hesitant about getting help about the help I’ve gotten from therapy. I hope he’s really receptive to the idea.

Thank you. I really appreciate your reply. It's not easy to see everything from a clear point of view because I'm so occupied with my own problems and I'm not sure in how much danger he actually is. I wonder if my fear for his safety is completely justified or if it's just my anxiety making me fear the worst...