Relationship Need emotional support..still miss him so much

[LovingH]

It's been 4 months since I've seen my ex, and 3 months since we last communicated over email (where I felt he was rather cruel and harsh to me. All I wanted was to see him for my birthday, and he shut me down. Said he wasn't missing the relationship etc.)

I can't even believe how much I still miss him.

I have to admit..I have stalked his social media from time to time. Maybe it's because I feel like it will purge him, but it doesn't. I know that's a big mistake. I feel like he even posts certain photos on his IG that discretely refer to us. (I gave him this stuffed version of an anime character he really liked, and the day of my birthday, he posted a silly thing about this same anime character. That's just one example)

Even though we were only together 6 months, I still get things that remind me of him, because the time we spent together, we talked on the phone and IM'd so much. We found out so much about each other, and there are songs we listened to, or movies we saw..and I'm not joking, I was listening to NPR and in the space of an hour TWO songs that related to him came on, associated with various news stories. One was a very obscure song, that he had put in a video he was doing on commission. So..that was just weird.

It seems like on a regular basis, I fight the urge to contact him. We both have creative pursuits in the same circles and know a lot of the same people, so I keep expecting to run into him, but I don't. If I'm anywhere near his apartment, and I have to go near it..it's in a main part of my city..I almost hyperventilate. I associate that area with so many strong memories.

I still cry.

I finally am on a better health plan so I can finally go into therapy.

I don't know what else to say..I guess I just wanted to vent. Thanks for listening. :(

 

[Sweetpea76]

You’re making yourself crazy looking for signs and hidden meanings. You have to grieve so you can move on.

 

[LovingH]

I feel like I'm grieving too much, actually :(

 

[Justmehere]

Are you dating anyone new?

What do you do for fun? Something is totally yours. If you don’t have anything you do for fun, maybe time to find a new hobby to begin to build you and your life up. You wrapped your life up in him and you gotta find you now.

If someone goes around telling themselves I can’t think about pink elephants all the time... they are going to be thinking about pink elephants. But if you focus on something totally different, like the cool new hobby you have, you’ll stop getting stuck as much on pink elephants.

To stop spending as much time wrapped up in missing him it might help to replace the thoughts, do the opposite action.

 

[LovingH]

Are you dating anyone new?

What do you do for fun? Something is totally yours. If you don’t have anything you do for fun, maybe time to find a new hobby to begin to build you and your life up. You wrapped your life up in him and you gotta find you now.

If someone goes around telling themselves I can’t think about pink elephants all the time... they are going to be thinking about pink elephants. But if you focus on something totally different, like the cool new hobby you have, you’ll stop getting stuck as much on pink elephants.

To stop spending as much time wrapped up in missing him it might help to replace the thoughts, do the opposite action.

I do plenty of that. And no, I didn't "wrap my life up in him"..we both had our separate lives.

And yes, I started dating again..online dating and have one person I've been out with once, and planning to see again, but I feel I'm maybe being unfair to any new person I date since I'm not over my ex.

 

[LovingH]

This new guy--even tho we've only been out once, we text a lot and he seems to really like me. I feel bad tho that I was up til 4a depressed and crying about my ex, yet making plans to see this new person tomorrow :(

 

[WTF Happened]

There's no timetable for healing. Take as long as you need.

 

[LovingH]

There's no timetable for healing. Take as long as you need.

How are YOU doing, btw?

 

[Butterfly64]

I do plenty of that. And no, I didn't "wrap my life up in him"..we both had our separate lives.

And yes, I started dating again..online dating and have one person I've been out with once, and planning to see again, but I feel I'm maybe being unfair to any new person I date since I'm not over my ex.

Don’t date if you are not over him...and obviously you are not. It is not fair to the person you date or yourself! You are still so blinded by him, and I completely get that, that you are nowhere near ready for a new relationship. Spend time with friends, if you have the energy. I tried to date when I broke it off with my sufferer in May after two years of ...well not hell..,but pretty close. I met one guy for coffee. It was okay. But what are the chances that you meet a new love on a dating site when you still love your guy? Next to none. You have to be mentally ready to date, before you do it...don’t force it. I wish you the best.

 

[blackemerald1]

LovingH nobody is going to suggest that what you are feeling isn't real because it is. However, at the same time you seem to be in such deep despair - maybe even too deep and whilst you can admit to that, you are unable to step away from doing things that are opening old wounds, reminding yourself of the loss you feel and rehashing memories. Read... going to old place, old songs, any old reminders, mutual friends or even allowing yourself to (hope ??) you might see him in places you both frequent....

Look we've all probably had that romance or relationship where we fell hard and that seemed so perfect and that crashed so hard and been devastated by it's demise.

I reckon I'd own up to one relationship that crashed and burned that cut so deep that even thirty years later I do still wonder about. But, at the same time I am definitely over it and him. I know I am because I worked on it and hard. Actually I think his absence of sensitivity in certain areas indicated that he actually was no good for me... so in the end, though the end was difficult at the time... it was good for me that it did end. I'm sure if he could see how f*cking awesomely I have (not) aged that...today he would regret throwing me on the scrap heap.. lol... Dream on blackemeral lol....

Do you get what I mean? We've all been there or unfortunately maybe it still has to happen... But you will be ok and you can get back your old happier self but you must, must, must make a concentrated effort to do so. So for a start delete his name out of ALL your media! Do it! and throw down a bottle of red afterwards yessss!! Get off to see a therapist too and work on why you seem to have lost yourself in this - a little support and insight from a real life person who is not invested in holding your hand or expecting you to be over it by now may identify why you are still feeling this way. Or, maybe not. But it's worth a try?

You don't have to go on dates to find the love of your life or replace the love you felt you had for him.

Go on dates for fun! Go on dates because it's nice to get out, be treated nicely, fed and transported from here to there and talk absolute rubbish if that's what you want to do. Use it and the date as a distraction. Why not... they are - more than likely!

Use dating as a means of communicating with other people that are your age, your group, your interests and hobbies. Have group dates, try taking the foot off the pedal regarding serious love themes for a while. You are young enough to just have fun. Does one ever get too old for just having fun? No! The very idea that you cannot date another because it's not fair to them...is... cringe worthy.... You have a past... I'd bet so does any date partner you care to go on too. It's not all about finding Mr Right... stop looking for that and get back to having some semblance of self-respect, self-love, just self....time?? And it's ok to be a butterfly and go from one date to the next with no commitment to anyone! It sounds superficial especially if you compare it to what you thought you had with him but it's not. It's good, respectful and completely normal. So do it and do lots of it!

You had a short term relationship that lasted six months. Giving it time... on it's own will not work. Do things for yourself and never ever let a man get so far under your skin again. Never lose sight of yourself - you are too important and he's just not. :hug:

 

[Sweetpea76]

Don’t date if you are not over him...and obviously you are not. It is not fair to the person you date or yourself! You are still so blinded by him, and I completely get that, that you are nowhere near ready for a new relationship.

I would disagree... there is a difference between dating and relationship hopping. Not all dates have to lead to anything serious... that’s why it’s just dating.

Go out. Have fun. Don’t worry about getting serious yet if you’re not ready... but that doesn’t mean you have to sit around lonely and bored.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Use dating as a means of communicating with other people that are your age, your group, your interests and hobbies. Have group dates, try taking the foot off the pedal regarding serious love themes for a while. You are young enough to just have fun. Does one ever get too old for just having fun? No! The very idea that you cannot date another because it's not fair to them...is... cringe worthy.... You have a past... I'd bet so does any date partner you care to go on too. It's not all about finding Mr Right... stop looking for that and get back to having some semblance of self-respect, self-love, just self....time?? And it's ok to be a butterfly and go from one date to the next with no commitment to anyone! It sounds superficial especially if you compare it to what you thought you had with him but it's not. It's good, respectful and completely normal

This is what my therapist and I were talking about when we were talking about how healthy, intergrated, person dates or mainly socializes but dating snunk in there. We were mainly talking about small talk. Superficial small talk that would never grow to anything other then superficial. It is healthy and ok and we all need the practice.

Would have to strongly agree. Date, have fun. You do not have to engage and marry everyone you date. Far from it. It can be a bit more superficial and not so much intense or intimate (I don't mean sexual intimate. It can be sexual without it being so intimate. I mean baring your soul intimate). It can be fun. And all of that is healthy.

Its not healthy to stay at home and waller in your self pity. I dont mean that as a jab and totally dont mean thats what you are doing @LovingH. Just as a stark opposite of what I was saying above. Totally not healthy. Dating to just have fun is totally healthy. Do it just to do it. Be spontanious. Do it for fun. Do it for yourself.