Relationship Mother of Children, Ex Girlfriend Wants to Leave for Good

[PTSD Baby Mother]

Hi all,

I've only discovered this place yesterday, and I've read plenty of the topics by now. I wish I had found it sooner. I'm not entirely sure what my intent with this post is, so take it at face value, I suppose? Suggestions, tips, anything is appreciated. I know you get stories like this all the time, and I'm sure this is essentially the same story, and I'm just seeing it differently because I'm emotionally involved. Anyway, here goes.

The mother of my children and I are fairly young, 20 and 19 each, and we both have disorders related to our childhoods in some way, shape or form. She has pretty severe C-PTSD. We first got together only a few (3+) years back. At first, I'm realizing just now, she loved me because I was a good supporter for her. After we got pregnant with our first child, though, she started acting different, and I started thinking of her less like someone who is suffering, and more like someone who wanted to make me suffer. This essentially lasted almost two years, until yesterday. This has led to us being on and off, with her breaking up with me twice, citing many reasons, all of which I worked on, not realizing they're the symptom, and not the core issue. She's always had issues with angry outbursts, and a lot of her reasons for being mildly upset with me haven't made sense, either. I've always tried to rationalize them, and drove myself nuts doing it. This all led to me getting better for her, doing the things she wanted me to do better, but not truly treating her the way I should, so she would eventually break down again, and cite the same reasons, despite saying I had gotten better perhaps even hours before. I always "relapsed," so to speak. I would get worse once she told me that I was no better, usually, because I was already doing my best and it felt like it was never enough, so we were trapped in this vicious cycle. We've loved each other through it all, though, despite me not realizing I wasn't caring for her properly. This all absolutely peaked recently, though.

A couple weeks ago, we agreed to go to therapy together, so we could be truly happy, and eventually start a whole relationship up again. We've lived with each other this whole time, and it was the first time I got her to agree that we would need outside help, if we still loved each other and wanted to be together, and be happy. We also decided that we were comfortable with being intimate with one another during this time, because we truly wanted to commit to being together. These were her words. Fast forward to three days ago, and I ask her if she wants to go upstairs for a little while with me, and she says no. Which was fine, she has every right to refuse my advances. I asked her then, though, if she had decided that we weren't going to be intimate at all, since she had refused me several times at this point. She says that, yes, she had made that decision. This annoyed me. She thought that it annoyed me because she didn't want to have sex with me. It really annoyed me because that is specifically something we've had issues with in the past -- she'll make decisions for the both of us and simply not tell me, then act as if I should already know. In this instance, she had decided, and when she said no, she didn't want to be intimate, she meant that she didn't want to at all, but it seemed like she meant only that time. So she flipped. Her history includes sexual, physical, and emotional abuse from her "parents," who only received them because her mother was killed when she was young and her father abandoned her. She was screaming at me, thinking I was trying to control her body, and would not listen to me. Now, at this point I still had not made the connection between the way she acts and her PTSD. I was convinced we were doing really well. After giving me an earful, she told me to leave the house, and that she refuses to go to therapy with me now. This destroyed me. All I wanted was for us to be good together, and be able to love one another, and not hurt each other. So, now I broke down. I'm sobbing, begging her to clarify if she really meant that, and if she would ever want me back at the house, and all she would say was that she was sure she didn't want to go to therapy anymore. At some point, her screaming must have triggered some deep-rooted issues within me, because I completely lost all feeling, everything felt like static, and it felt like my body moved on its own. I kicked a small table, and it flew across the room at speed. Now, we were sitting right next to each other, so, to her, I just got angry and tried to kick a table at her. To me, I had no idea why I had reacted that way. This, of course, hit another trigger for her. From this point on, she now clarified that she never wanted to go to therapy with me, she doesn't want to live with me anymore, and she doesn't ever want a relationship from me again.

This is essentially how it's persisted, since then. I've pleaded with her, tried all sorts of desperate stuff, up until I was writing in my journal and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I looked up the symptoms of PTSD and C-PTSD, and, sure enough, she was exhibiting the symptoms, to a T. Just now, probably half an hour ago, I gave her the first proper apology she had gotten from me in the whole time we've been together, not for lack of trying. During all this time, I've apologized for symptoms, and not for the problem: that I was neglectful of her needs, as someone with trauma in their past, that I missed the connection, and acted as if we were a couple without any of that hanging over our heads this whole time, meaning I reacted poorly in most situations in her eyes. I apologized profusely, and genuinely, because I do feel horribly. I told her some of the things I would have done differently if I had realized, which might have been a poor decision. I am genuinely bad at hard conversations, because a lot of the time my feelings get the better of me, I go off track, or I say things that could have multiple interpretations, on accident. Of course, towards the end of this, I went somewhat off track, telling her that I believed we still should go to therapy together, and I want a relationship from her, eventually, if she finds that she is willing. Her opinion, of course, didn't change, it being only 3 days after the incident, not that that was my goal in the first place. However, I got emotional when she told me that, and had to excuse myself before I got too off track. Afterwards, I made sure to clarify that I had gotten off track, and my intention was not to change her mind, and she said that she believed me.

I really want to spend my life with this woman, and, in one way or another, I will. We have kids, so we'll always at least be co-parents, and have some contact. I really love her so much, and I want to be better for her, and not make my same mistakes. She said that I'd have to prove that I really meant what I had said in my apology, shortly before saying she still feels absolutely nothing for me, and never wants a relationship. She also doesn't want to go to therapy, because she does not know if she can ever trust me the way she has again, and therapy feels like she'd be forcing it. Obviously, I can respect that, but it really hurts. I really just don't know what to do, I really do want us to have a healthy, romantic relationship again. I know nothing is guaranteed, though, and the only things I want more than that are her, and my children's happiness, so I'll do whatever she needs to make her happy. I just really don't know where to go from here. I've told her expressly that the ball is in her court, so to speak, and she gets to decide what happens next, and at what pace, if any. I've explained that I'm always on her side, and want what's best for her. I already said it, but I really just don't know what to do.

Feel free to ask for any information I may have missed. I may have rambled in this post, and missed something. I'm very emotional about this, so I wouldn't be surprised.

Thanks!

 

[Sweetpea76]

Is she getting any kind of treatment for her PTSD? If not, things will not get any better.

You can’t fix this no matter what you say, what you do, or how hard you work. She has to work on managing her symptoms... your reaction to them is not going to fix them.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Can you still go to therapy alone. Without her? Have your own therapist? And then maybe a second couples counselor if you do get back together?

I ask because you do obviously have some issues going on and its best if you work on your own issues while you both are apart (and together). You cannot control what she does or how she reacts but you can control you, your issues, and how you react. Does that make sense?

 

[HealingMama]

You two have a lot on your plates. Pregnancy can wreak havoc on the mother's moods and ks.a huge stressor on a relationship even when the pregnancy is planned much less unexpected.

I agree that your baby's mother needs to be in treatment and that you can pursue treatment on your own as a way to show your dedication. Change you, and keep the changes going, and let your actions speak for themselves.

It takes a lot of consistent effort before motivation to repair or change the dynamic of a relationship will be trusted. I think that's true even without trauma in the picture. All you can do is keep showing up, doing your best, encouraging healthy choices and making healthy choices of your own.

 

[Kenjyn]

I'm OP, I made an account after posting. I thought it would prompt me when I made the post. Oops.

Is she getting any kind of treatment for her PTSD? If not, things will not get any better.

You can’t fix this no matter what you say, what you do, or how hard you work. She has to work on managing her symptoms... your reaction to them is not going to fix them.

She says she is going to go to therapy on her own, but she also has a history of procrastinating with therapists. The only reason we weren't already in therapy for the past few weeks was because, after we decided, she kept putting off looking at therapists, and, after I was able to curate a list in the area that would work, she finally looked and decided on one, but then she procrastinated on actually calling the therapist. All of a sudden, the things she had to do around the house were more important than anything, although she had time to text her friends and browse social media. Just not enough time to call a therapist or browse a list of them.

Can you still go to therapy alone. Without her? Have your own therapist? And then maybe a second couples counselor if you do get back together?

I ask because you do obviously have some issues going on and its best if you work on your own issues while you both are apart (and together). You cannot control what she does or how she reacts but you can control you, your issues, and how you react. Does that make sense?

It does make sense, and it's something I've been working on. As I briefly touched on in the post, I've been journaling and doing other things like meditation to keep myself in check as well as possible. I do realize that my own upbringing didn't leave me unscathed, and I'm likely undiagnosed with a disorder or two, as well as a touch of autism, which runs in my family, but my parents neglected to get me tested for, and only got my younger brother tested. The main limiting factor here is simply that I don't have insurance. I'm working on it, though, for sure.

You two have a lot on your plates. Pregnancy can wreak havoc on the mother's moods and ks.a huge stressor on a relationship even when the pregnancy is planned much less unexpected.

I agree that your baby's mother needs to be in treatment and that you can pursue treatment on your own as a way to show your dedication. Change you, and keep the changes going, and let your actions speak for themselves.

It takes a lot of consistent effort before motivation to repair or change the dynamic of a relationship will be trusted. I think that's true even without trauma in the picture. All you can do is keep showing up, doing your best, encouraging healthy choices and making healthy choices of your own.

I agree that it would take a lot of consistent effort. I am a person who always wants to understand things as best I can, though, and I could never truly understand the feelings that make her push like this, and it hurts a lot. She told me probably the day before we had our fight that she was anxious I was going to leave her, and we sat down and talked about how the only thing that could really cause that is if she became truly abusive, or cheated. Otherwise, I believe we can work through anything. She agreed about that, and then the next day, she completely loses feeling at the drop of a (admittedly violent) hat. I realize it's a symptom, but it leaves me with so many questions.


Thanks everyone for your input! I will, of course, take what you've said, and anything else anyone will say, into account. You are all more versed than me, and, I must say, it feels really good to have a community of people who understand. I never really talk about her to anyone except my sister and her boyfriend (they're engaged, so from here on out, brother-in-law), and it occurs to me every time that it doesn't feel fair to her when I do, because I have no way of understanding her actions, so it sounds like I'm just complaining, or calling her nuts or something, when I personally know that's not the case. It's nice to have people who know the same.


Thanks again

 

[lostforgottensoul]

She says she is going to go to therapy on her own, but she also has a history of procrastinating with therapists. The only reason we weren't already in therapy for the past few weeks was because, after we decided, she kept putting off looking at therapists, and, after I was able to curate a list in the area that would work, she finally looked and decided on one, but then she procrastinated on actually calling the therapist. All of a sudden, the things she had to do around the house were more important than anything, although she had time to text her friends and browse social media. Just not enough time to call a therapist or browse a list of them.

I did that, cause I was scared to face my trauma. No real answers here. I'm hearing you and that's rough!

 

[Kenjyn]

I did that, cause I was scared to face my trauma. No real answers here. I'm hearing you and that's rough!

Of course! That's not even necessarily symptomatic of trauma. Well, it could be, but it's hard to face yourself no matter what! It feels like you're going to go talk to someone and they're going to tell you you're crazy, or that your entire worldview is wrong. Change like that is difficult.

I suggested that she browse this forum, over on the C-PTSD sufferer's side of things, hoping maybe it will allow for some comfort, as it has for me, at the very least. Maybe make her more curious about herself. I'm not sure if she'll really browse it, but I hope she does. I just sort of hope she doesn't come across this post, lol. Feels like that would be weird. I'm more concerned about her feeling comfortable, and having support, though.

 

[Mach123]

iDK what you'd say to anyone about a situation like this except good luck, you're going to need it.

It's good that you're young on the other hand, it could be a deficit in terms of emotional maturity.

It's been about thirty years since Judith Hermans book "trauma and recovery" came out. The field has come a long way since. I'd start there.

If you're in love it'll work out. I hope so for all your sakes, but especially for the kids, who need their mom and their dad.

Good luck and may God bless you and make you a happy family.

 

[Kenjyn]

iDK what you'd say to anyone about a situation like this except good luck, you're going to need it.

It's good that you're young on the other hand, it could be a deficit in terms of emotional maturity.

It's been about thirty years since Judith Hermans book "trauma and recovery" came out. The field has come a long way since. I'd start there.

If you're in love it'll work out. I hope so for all your sakes, but especially for the kids, who need their mom and their dad.

Good luck and may God bless you and make you a happy family.

Luckily, we're good enough to be good co-parents, no matter what, it seems. She puts them above everything, which, while it causes its own issues at times, means she wants them to have us both. She says she wants to be friends still, she just can't trust me enough for a relationship. It is hard being around her right now, though.

I truly hope it does work out, at least eventually. I do want to be with her, a lot. Marry her eventually, if we can learn to cope with our individual issues, and each others' better than we have. If it doesn't work out like that, though, we'll also be fine. It will be incredibly difficult either way.

Thanks for the kind words!

 

[EveHarrington]

She puts them above everything,

This is a HUGE problem.

She is not alone in this thinking. However it is this kind of thinking that leads to many unhappy marriages and subsequently divorces.

If she puts the kids above her own healing, big problem. The kids need a healthy mother in order to survive/thrive.

If she puts the kids above the marriage, another big problem. The marriage needs to be strong with both partners getting their needs met.

 

[Kenjyn]

This is a HUGE problem.

She is not alone in this thinking. However it is this kind of thinking that leads to many unhappy marriages and subsequently divorces.

If she puts the kids above her own healing, big problem. The kids need a healthy mother in order to survive/thrive.

If she puts the kids above the marriage, another big problem. The marriage needs to be strong with both partners getting their needs met.

She doesn't necessarily put them above her healing, she know that they need healthy parents. She does, however, definitely put them above her relationship with me. I was going to add more, but I'm not entirely sure how much I can clarify beyond that, to be honest.

 

[Sideways]

I just really don't know where to go from here.

Perhaps give her the space she’s asked for. Respect the fact that, ptsd or not, when a person says “I don’t want you living here anymore”, or “I don’t want to do couples therapy with you anymore”, they’re entitled to have that respected. Not because they have ptsd, but because that’s what they’ve asked for.

You’ve laid a whole lot of responsibility for the breakdown of this relationship on her symptoms.

But reading your OP: you asked for sex, she turned you down (which any and every partner is entitled to do, at any point, and have that decision respected). That conversation went south, and ended with you kicking a table across the room.

I appreciate you really love this person. But she’s asked for space. Which sounds pretty reasonable of her in the circumstances. Not because she has ptsd, but because you kicked a table across the room after being denied sex.