Don't know anymore

[abbynormal1929]

Hello.

So... I don't even really know what to do anymore. For about a week my wife was getting support from an app/website called 7 cups, where you have access to peer listeners, and can pay for online therapy. In that time it seemed like we were having some good conversations, and things were better. Like turning off a light she suddenly decided it wasn't helping, and there's no hope, and she starts to tell me how I'm blaming her for my stepdaughter s behavior (which I don't) that I hate her in secret (which, not really hate, but want her to stop treating me like I'm the biggest ass in the world), That she feels worse after talking, or doing anything intamate cause we're "not connecting like we were". I'm not allowed, to her, to take pride in anything good I do cause it's a version if "playing the victim". It just seemed like things were good for that week. It is true that my stepdaughter's behavior keeps getting worse. She goes directly to trying to break glass when she's having a tantrum (on autism spectrum) cause she knows we can't ignore it. My wife and I both have scratches all over our bodies. I stopped trying to tell people at work that it was my cat, because at this point it would have to be a pretty psychotic cat. We have appointments with behavioral specialists comming up, it's just taking a while cause it's a pretty unique specialty around here. But my wife won't take her to the emergency room when she's purposely breaking glass, and is clearly a danger to herself, and us. She's also the same size as us now. Any way, a little off topic. Even if she's not talking specifically about me she still has to make sure I know she's including me in a group of people who are judging her, or hate her. It doesn't matter what I say to reassure her, to her, I hate her. I had to stop journaling, cause she read my private journals, and says she's justified cause she actually found something bad I said about her. I don't know how to leave. It's obvious that even if I didn't consider her abusive our marriage still is unhealthy. I know I'm probably sounding more like a broken record at this point, but I'm starting to lose resolve, and am starting to feel more hopeless.

Thank y'all

Jeff/abby

 

[Ronin]

hi abby,

you dont sound a broken record, just because the situation is exhausting.

Can I ask how is your relationship at your work, with anyone? Is there anyone you could think of spending time with, outside of work? Thinking you could definitely use some support, and if nothing else time off your wife, and seemed to me from your previous posts you said you are doing pretty great at work, and in this one, that people are at least concerned for your well being / noticed your injuries and cared?

 

[abbynormal1929]

No one at work I'm that close to yet, I've only been there 2 1/2 months, and the turnover rate is kinda high. I do have supportive people at a community chorus I'm a member of, but half the time I feel to guilty to go cause it leaves my wife home with my stepdaughter, and the baby . The residents at the nursing home I work at ask about the scratches more than anyone else there. I also have a therapist. And I am doing ok at work but most days I'm anxious all day thinking about it, and think about calling out. I don't though so that's something.

 

[abbynormal1929]

I hate to say it but sometimes I'm getting to the point of saying: What's the point in trying anymore. Trying to make things better anymore that is. Everything takes so much out of me. I always think I'm doing the wrong things with my son, I always want to call out of work, anything I do for myself comes with guilt cause my wife doesn't have anything to do for her self (not that she tries very hard). Sometimes it just seems so easy to be able to tell her I want to leave, other times it seems impossible. Sometimes I just want to lay down and give up (not in a suicidal way, to clarify). Just stop trying to make things better for myself, and trying to chase dreams, I guess. Just so tired.

 

[Ronin]

I always think I'm doing the wrong things with my son

... Good parent typical. (Where is the wink emoticon that is also feelings hug one).

That only shows you are trying to do /right/, every damn minute... so also think of the wrongs. That aint a bad thing... nor a show you are f*cking up. The contrary. That doubt shows you care for everything... being a responsible and good parent.

Your wife is an adult. In, can take care of her needs.
She is not your job to manage, nor someone you should.

Does not matter how hard she pins that on you, or how often.
Still not your thing, but hers.

Giving up... and getting back up, every goddamn day, is so much.

 

[abbynormal1929]

Yep...

 

[Justmehere]

I don’t think of you as a broken record but that no matter what you decide to do, you’ve got some amazing resilience.

You give a lot to others. Work, your kids, your abusive wife... if you have any small ways you can find moments of rest or moments of self care, take them. Set up a passwaord protected journal, connect with people at chorus, keep going to counseling...none of it will fix everything or even anything, but it might be another drop of gas in your empty gas tank.

You deserve a break and all the support you can get.