Relationship Why does my bf isolate himself from me?

[apear1818]

Hi all,

This is my first time to post on to this forum or any forum for that matter; I am also relatively new to supporting someone that suffers from PTSD. I'm hoping to find support for myself and hopefully some clarity on my situation.

I've been dating my boyfriend for 7 months and it has been the best and healthiest relationship I've ever been in- for the most part anyways. We get along great and love to be in each others company and have/had aspirations for the future together. I'm so incredibly head over heels in love with this man which is why I'm still with him after everything that he's put me through. With that being said, he is a Marine and got out about two years ago after serving one or two tour(s) (I can't remember right now how many it was) in Afghanistan. It occurred to me early on that PTSD would be a factor in our relationship, but that wasn't enough to make me run.

Four months into our relationship was the first time he "disappeared" or isolated himself from me. This was absolutely the worst two weeks of my life, I didn't know what had happened, if he was mad at me, or if he was even alive. I cried for two weeks straight and resorted to drastic measures to try and get him to talk to me, like showing up at his house or calling his work. He finally talked to me again after I waited outside of his house for him to get home from work- we went inside and talked, but at this time I had no idea that PTSD was likely a factor in why he ran. This same situation happened two more times, both for a week's time, and again they were terrible and very difficult to deal with.

He is currently isolating himself from me for the fourth time and it has been a little over a week. What make's this time a bit different is that I've found this forum and reading the posts and responses has comforted me quite a bit and put some of my anxiety at ease, but I still miss my boyfriend and I want him back. This time is also a bit different because night before he ran we were at a BBQ and he struck up a conversation with another Marine and shared war stories all night and long after I turned in. When he came back to the house he was obviously drunk and falling over looking for his keys so that he could go home (which was strange since he always stays the night with me and was planning on doing so that night). Thankfully I had hidden his keys knowing that he would be too drunk to do anything involving a vehicle. That night he he avoided any and every question I had and it took everything for me to stop him from walking home since he couldn't drive and he slept on the couch even after I asked him to come to bed. In the morning it was the same story, he avoided my questions and just kept saying "we'll talk about this later" or "there's nothing to talk about," but that's not the type of person I am and those responses make my anxiety go through the roof. I did not know if he was mad at me or what I had done to him. He has never treated like he did that night and morning... he was mean, disrespectful and began to raise his voice at me. These are all things that are completely uncharacteristic of him and it was the first time that he has even remotely raised his voice at me or done anything to truly hurt my feelings. I gave him an ultimatum before he left that morning that if we did not talk by that same night, I was breaking up with him. Fast forward to that night, I packed up all of his stuff from my house and threw it in my trunk and drove to his house to throw his shit on his doorstep. However, I couldn't go through with it... I love him too much to let him go and I'm not ready to give up on us.

Anywho, fast forward through a week of hell and uncertainty, not knowing if we were together still or broken up, or if he still loved me, or if he was mad at me or the other 10 billion possibilities of why he was ignoring me. I found this forum and started reading about PTSD and people isolating them selves from their partners and I read posts that sounded exactly like my situation and I was comforted to know that I was not alone and that he probably wasn't doing any of this to me on purpose; he always says "this has nothing to do with you" or "it's not your fault" and now it makes sense.

Is anyone going through this situation or has been through it in the past? I would love to hear your stories if you're willing to share.

Also, I would like to know what the best way to communicate is while they are isolating themselves?

I would love to be able to have a bit of insight into what my boyfriend is going through and why he can't bear to speak to or see me right now. I know I will never fully understand or know what he is going through, but I want to begin to understand.

 

[Sweetpea76]

It’s pretty common for sure. Let me ask you a question though... has he been diagnosed with PTSD, or told you that he has PTSD? Or is it something you figured out?

 

[apear1818]

It’s pretty common for sure. Let me ask you a question though... has he been diagnosed with PTSD, or told you that he has PTSD? Or is it something you figured out?

It's mostly something I figured out by reading the posts from this forum. He's only mentioned it in the past that he deals with it and doesn't make excuses for himself because of it so I believe him. But also based on what I've read on this forum I think with out a doubt it is what he is dealing with. However, when/if he comes back I'm going to ask that he talks to someone who can help him.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Sufferer here.

Also, I would like to know what the best way to communicate is while they are isolating themselves?

I can do "I'm ok" text (as in I'm alive) but not much more then that.

It doesn't have to do with you. It has to do with our hell and if I were to venture a guess of why he would of raised his voice to you, possibly because you were pushing yourself onto him when needing to isolate. That's part of the reason why we do so. To save you from the hell we go through. We cannot think rational and just have to go through it. Also, its not really for supporters to see. I don't want my supporters to see that I am curled up in a dark bathroom floor for half the day with my service dog. Its shit that we have to muddle through alone.

Isolation will happen with a spouce or SO before it will happen with friends. So, many ask "why will he/she only isolate from me and not his/her friends?" And thats because an SO brings more stress to a relationship then friends do by default without you doing a thing. I will say that by showing up at his work or home and waiting for him to get off of work is probably making that timeframe longer. Im basically "leave me the f*ck alone. I will come back if I say I am coming back. Chill!" Basically.

ETA: ^^ That's me talking to myself. Not you. Sorry.

 

[apear1818]

Sufferer here.



I can do "I'm ok" text (as in I'm alive) but not much more then that.

It doesn't have to do with you. It has to do with our hell and if I were to venture a guess of why he would of raised his voice to you, possibly because you were pushing yourself onto him when needing to isolate. That's part of the reason why we do so. To save you from the hell we go through. We cannot think rational and just have to go through it. Also, its not really for supporters to see. I don't want my supporters to see that I am curled up in a dark bathroom floor for half the day with my service dog. Its shit that we have to muddle through alone.

Isolation will happen with a spouce or SO before it will happen with friends. So, many ask "why will he/she only isolate from me and not his/her friends?" And thats because an SO brings more stress to a relationship then friends do by default without you doing a thing. I will say that by showing up at his work or home and waiting for him to get off of work is probably making that timeframe longer. Im basically "leave me the f*ck alone. I will come back if I say I am coming back. Chill!" Basically.

ETA: ^^ That's me talking to myself. Not you. Sorry.

Thank you so much for sharing your point of view! I think you are spot on in that he likely raised his voice at me and acted out of character because I was pushing myself on him, but at the time I didn't know a lot about PTSD, then I found this forum and started doing some research on the effects of it.
And you're right, he is able to go to work and be with his friends and family, but somehow I am always pushed out of the picture. I struggle a lot with that and I feel like he's ashamed to be with me even though he says he loves me.
I have no idea what he is going through, but based on what you described as your hell I wish I could help him... I hate to think of the man I love curled up on the bathroom floor.
I'm very worried about him this time because usually I will get a text from him a few days in saying something at least, but this time I haven't heard anything at all and it's been over a week.
Thanks again lostforgottensoul!

 

[ladee]

When I isolate, it is because I want to be left alone! I am possibly already on overload and having trouble staying grounded.

If your SO was drinking and swapping war stories, he was on overload! Good on you for not letting him drive. And glad he settled down to sleep on the couch.

You owned that pushing him for answers was not the best thing to do. Not good to do to someone with that level of intoxication, not to mention PTSD.

When I am in that space, I already know I can not talk to just anyone to help me level out. And an SO is not on that list. Because.. no matter how much someone loves me, they are NOT going to understand. And instead of letting me talk, they will ask a million questions that I already don't have answers for, along with all the other noise and chaos going on in my head. And sometimes my body at the same time.

It is not personal. When someone else might ask to be left alone, we just disappear. Because again, we don't have 'words' to explain without it setting off another level of stress trying to explain to someone who is already upset with us. So POOF, we are gone.

It's normal, your being upset and wanting answers. And possibly you will get them at some point. And maybe not. When we already know someone doesn't understand, it's doubly hard to put ourselves out there who we may have upset with our behaviour.

Many times it doesn't make sense to us. Much less trying to explain it to someone who hasn't got a clue what to do.

All I can say is educate yourself. Come here and particpate with the supporters here. Just as we need to talk with people who understand us, so do you.

Do not walk into this thinking you loving him is going to fix anything. It won't. You will make sacrifices that you would not make in a relationship with someone who doesn't have PTSD. It is going to be hard. And times you will get hurt. That only adds to our guilt and the hamster wheel of emotions we carry.

Just because you love him doesn't mean it will work out. Get help for yourself. Learn. Share with other supporters. Read the Articles here on the forum.

You are going to have work ten times harder to not take it personally. WE are responsible for how we act. you can't help us with that. But you can back up when you see that we can't answer the questions.

Just reminding you that 'love' can not fix this.

 

[apear1818]

When I isolate, it is because I want to be left alone! I am possibly already on overload and having trouble staying grounded.

If your SO was drinking and swapping war stories, he was on overload! Good on you for not letting him drive. And glad he settled down to sleep on the couch.

You owned that pushing him for answers was not the best thing to do. Not good to do to someone with that level of intoxication, not to mention PTSD.

When I am in that space, I already know I can not talk to just anyone to help me level out. And an SO is not on that list. Because.. no matter how much someone loves me, they are NOT going to understand. And instead of letting me talk, they will ask a million questions that I already don't have answers for, along with all the other noise and chaos going on in my head. And sometimes my body at the same time.

It is not personal. When someone else might ask to be left alone, we just disappear. Because again, we don't have 'words' to explain without it setting off another level of stress trying to explain to someone who is already upset with us. So POOF, we are gone.

It's normal, your being upset and wanting answers. And possibly you will get them at some point. And maybe not. When we already know someone doesn't understand, it's doubly hard to put ourselves out there who we may have upset with our behaviour.

Many times it doesn't make sense to us. Much less trying to explain it to someone who hasn't got a clue what to do.

All I can say is educate yourself. Come here and particpate with the supporters here. Just as we need to talk with people who understand us, so do you.

Do not walk into this thinking you loving him is going to fix anything. It won't. You will make sacrifices that you would not make in a relationship with someone who doesn't have PTSD. It is going to be hard. And times you will get hurt. That only adds to our guilt and the hamster wheel of emotions we carry.

Just because you love him doesn't mean it will work out. Get help for yourself. Learn. Share with other supporters. Read the Articles here on the forum.

You are going to have work ten times harder to not take it personally. WE are responsible for how we act. you can't help us with that. But you can back up when you see that we can't answer the questions.

Just reminding you that 'love' can not fix this.

Thank you for your input!
There is a lot of things I have shamefully done in the past to get his attention when he was isolating himself. I was desperate for him to talk to me and give me answers so I would go to drastic measures that I did not realize until recently would probably only make his/our situation worse. I wish I could take back some of the things I've done and said to him while he is isolating himself... I said them out of ignorance because I did not know about PTSD. I am learning from the posts I read on this forum, the responses I am getting from people, and also what I am reading in books. I know I will never know what he is going through, but I want to be able to help him in any way possible.. even if that means knowing when to leave him the heck alone. I want him to know that I will be there for him and see this period of isolation through; though he doesn't know that I have realized that it's the PTSD and not him personally pushing me away. I want him to know that if/when he decides to come back and if/when he wants to talk I can be there as a listener, just to observe and take in.
I've gotten hurt and I've made sacrifices for our relationship and I know it won't be the last time... but does it get better? As in the frequency or the duration? What about talking to a mental health professional, does that help?
For me, he's so worth all of the struggles because he's an amazing man and I want him in my life and his only flaws are things that are out of his control for the most part.
Thank you ladee!

 

[apear1818]

Hi all,

My boyfriend is isolating himself form me for the fourth time and until very recently (as in a few days ago) I did not know about PTSD in depth; I still don't know enough about it, but I am trying to educate myself so I can better help myself and help him.
In the past (before I knew about PTSD) my boyfriend would isolate himself and I would result to drastic measures like waiting for him outside of his house to get answers as to why he hadn't spoken to me in a week. He would always say "you are making this worse!" and I couldn't understand what I was doing to make it worse, or even what I was making worse; it was very frustrating! It didn't click for me until recently that I was probably overloading him, or "overfilling his cup" (the PTSD stress cup theory).
I love him dearly and I want so badly for him to come back; I'm trying to keep myself busy so I don't think about texting him when he doesn't want to hear from me, but sometimes a text or two slips through when I can't get him off of my mind.
I want to know how to support someone who doesn't want to hear from me, or can't take hearing from me. I know I need to give him his space, but it is so HARD for me not knowing when or even if he will come back to me. I'm still hopeful that he will come back to me because I know he loves me and wants to be with me. Anywho, I'm trying to remain positive, but I would appreciate your input or point of view if you're willing to share. Thanks!

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I said them out of ignorance because I did not know about PTSD

I think letting yourself off the hook a bit will go a long way. Stop beating yourself up! You didn't know! It's ok!

A big thing that I see a lot of long time supporters do a lot of is self care. Take care of yourself first! Be it mentally, physically, or just giving yourself a break.

You mentioned anxiety a few times. Maybe even a therapist for yourself? They can help you understand your relationship with your BF even better and it's much more personal and in depth and you can understand the PTSD aspect of it. You can learn how to lay boundries and where and how to adhere to them. But mainly, you can learn how to take great care of yourself. If my supporter isn't taking care of themselves while I am isolated, that makes it so much worse for me as well.

But, mainly, your mental wellbeing should always come first for you. Use your oxygen mask on yourself first. You can't help him during it. No one can help me while I am on the bathroom floor in the dark but my service dog but no human can help me. I have to go through it and go through it alone (human wise).

The best thing you can do for him is to help yourself. You know? Stop beating yourself up for past mistakes that you made without the knowledge you have today and cannot change those mistakes (if you can call them that as you didn't have the knowledge you do today) would be the first on the list of helping yourself. If that makes any sense.

 

[ladee]

It's hard to say if 'it gets better' @apear1818. I have been at this many years, and I still have my moments. It doesn't last as long, and I can regroup faster. But it also depends on the causes for PTSD to begin with.

You can ask him if he would consider therapy. But let it go then. Regardless of what he says,' ya, ok, I'll try' or 'no ,not now' or NO.

He has to be the one to seek out help. You can even offer to help gather information WITH him. But not do it for him.

And it was suggested you get help too. I highly recommend that. If you are going to commit to this, you are going to need help, and have a place to go to unload.

If he hasn't been diagnosed with PTSD, you telling him he may have it, will probably not bode well. Just asking if he has considered therapy is a good question without you assuming you know more about him than he knows of himself. It's like walking in a minefield.

I can tell you don't quite believes us that 'love' won't be enough. Is him NOT going for help after a reasonable amount of time a deal breaker for you?? And keeping in mind what a 'reasonable amount of time' would be, is two different things to you and to him. What if it takes him years to go for help? Just some questions you need to ask yourself.

If he doesn't go for help, what plans do you have in place for the times he ghosts without a word from him? How long are you willing to take all the responsiblity? Can you calmly and rationaly speak to him to at least text you while he is gone to let you know he is ok? You do have the right to ask. But be reasonable. He may not be able to text every day. Or he may forget.

Not forget because he doesn't care about you, but because there is sometimes no room in the pain for a text. Sounds dramatic. It is. But honest.

And forgive yourself for not knowing. Even knowing you are going to be human. It will be great, then awful. It's a roller coaster ride. And compare what all it's taken the past few months, can you do this for years? Even if he goes for help, it is going to take years of healing.

Not trying to talk you out of being in a relationship with him. We all deserve to be loved. Just would like to see you walking in with your eyes wide open.

I truly wish you both a positive journey, together. For his sake and yours. He can not give you what he does not have. Not yet. Until he cares about himself.

We are good people. With wounded hearts and shattered sense of self and saftey. It can get very complicated and very emotional.

Wishing the best for both of you. Gentle hugs if accepted. :hug:

 

[Sweetpea76]

Best way to support him? Leave him alone.

I know it sucks. I’m a supporter in a relationship with a combat vet as well, and he isolates too.

When he’s isolating he is overwhelmed. He’s trying to reset. He cannot deal with his own emotions, so he really cannot deal with other people’s either. That’s why he can work, or hang out with friends, or be on social media... they don’t take an emotional toll like romantic relationships do. It’s nothing you’ve done, and nothing to do with the relationship. He just needs a break to deal with his own shit.

Giving him space is a loving act. Reigning in your own anxiety is a loving act. He’s overwhelmed and needs that love.

 

[Justmehere]

I’m glad you are learning more about PTSD and I can tell you really care about him a lot.

I want to know how to support someone who doesn't want to hear from me, or can't take hearing from me.

You are on the right track to do all you can to avoid contacting him, remembering that when someone says no, or otherwise sets a boundary, it’s best to respect that boundary.

It is really supportive of the person and their healing to respect boundaries they set —especially for trauma survivors, as it’s often critical to trust. Trauma is the invasion of so many boundaries... respecting boundaries is the opposite. It will show him you are safe. When you want to text him, you could remind yourself you want to show him you are safe and you will wait.

I know I need to give him his space, but it is so HARD for me not knowing when or even if he will come back to me.

What kind of supports do you have for you? Friends or family? Diving into other relationships might help reduce some of the anxiety and worry you feel and meet your needs for connection with others.